Aibu to not know how I want to parent my toddler?

[pullonyourjudgypants]

So my pfb toddler is now 18months and is a rascal. What am I actually meant to say to correct unwanted behaviour? I’ve found myself saying “that’s naughty” or “you are making mummy cross.”---- Am I actually allowed to be cross or angry in this day and age?

I heard someone say at toddler group today “Please don’t hit you are making mummy sad” Is that any better?

I do say “No” and then try to distract but he’s very persistent

Been taking our puppy to dog training and they said I can’t say No to my dog, so can I to my toddler?

I have no idea ?! --

Read a book called positive parenting firm boundaries but in a gentle way

Can you say no to a toddler?!

That explains why some children's behaviour is so shocking.....

Erm, I’ve jolly well said no to mine!

I think the line you take is whatever suits you, but the key is consistency. Say that it makes you sad/cross/angry whatever, but say the same thing for the same scenario and use the same number of warnings/ verbal cautions etc.

We say “please don’t do that” and explain why. I think the explanation is important- so
“Please don’t pull the dog’s ears. He doesn’t like it because it hurts him, and it’s not kind”.

Mainly, I think we are all just winging it.

“Please don’t pull the dog’s ears. He doesn’t like it because it hurts him, and it’s not kind”.

At 18 months? They'll have switched off after "please". "No pulling" might just about have a chance of getting through to them!

Stern is probably better than cross though my two DCs are not a good ad. DS mainly would say "no" but do it anyway or else just laugh. DD turns on the waterworks if you look at her funny.

My general principles are consequences are logical (if you can't be safe with a toy it has to go away e.g. throwing it), and positive attention for even minor good behaviour (we love the book Calmer Happier Easier Parenting).

You can't say no to a dog?

I use stop please rather than no unless it's a life or death situation - dd2 literally bursts into tears at the word no. As a tiny tot it was a wobbly bottom lip and little silent tears that were heart-breaking and now it's ear piercing screeching which is not fun.
This might make me soft - but she's such a happy soul I Don't want to break that.
I used a lot of distraction at that age and still do but it works better with some children than others

@salukish apparently not . Positive dog training

Sorry about the crossing out over load don’t know what went wrong there

A small example...I walked past a woman at school who preaches positive/alternative/unconditional parenting i.e. Doesn't tell her children off.

So her dd2(2) pushed over her dd1(4), she asked dd2 how DD1 felt. Dd2 pushed over dd1 again. Dd1 now has a cut on her head. Mum is still calm. Teacher then come running over with the school nurse.

Alternatively you just parent your children. They do something wrong at that age and you pick them up to your level and say no hit/kick/push.
They you make a big fuss of the person they hurt,. They do eventually get the hang of it.

You also keep a very wide birth of anyone who does alternative parenting methods.

@Beachmummy23 my boundaries are flakey .. I’ll take a look thanks

Decide what's important. Many things aren't in the big scheme of things.

Be consistent.

Of course you can say no. A toddler will understand that, you can build up age appropriate explanations as you go.

Don’t ask questions you don’t want them to answer. I hear “do you want a to go straight home” a lot at our local playgroup. I’m yet to hear a child say yes.

I know this isn't the point in the thread but, why can't you say no to a dog.

Dogs don't understand the English language. They just know that certain words mean they have to do something.

No is just the command I use for stop what you are doing. What's wrong with that.

Please read this...it’ll help

@pullonyourjudgypants Interesting... I had no idea saying "no" to a dog counted as negative reinforcement. I wonder if saying their name in a disappointed voice when they're after something they know they shouldn't be counts as negative too.

Also yes, sorry to derail, I don't know anything about kids but that was a completely new one!

The saying no to dogs is because you're not actually telling them how you want them to behave. Puppy mouthing. You say no. Dog doesn't understand. Tell them what you do want.
Toddlers understand no. Keep it short and sweet. I hate the "you're making mummy sad". Why are they responsible for your happiness?

I train gundogs and I absolutely train the command no - they have no concept of English FFS.

Of course you can say no to a toddler, it's when they understand the meaning and say it back when you're in trouble, which is why you avoid asking them questions...

Dogs are the new toddlers!

My neighbours got a puppy 3 months after dd1 was born.
There were a lot of similarities for the 1st 18 months or so. Apart from the cage to leave the dog in when you go out. Apparently it's frowned on to do that to babies and toddlers

I remember googling positive ways to say no and getting some good ideas which did seem to work. Things like saying 'walk please' rather than 'don't run' . I got really good at it at the time, and if a no or a stop was used it then had a lot of power.

I also remember doing a lot of distracting or just removing any objects causing issues.

Be authoratative, boundaried, in charge and caring. Be the same in public as behind closed doors (consistent).
.

I think it’s easy to find yourself saying no all the time with toddlers and that can lead to them not listening when you really need them to. I try to only say “no” / “stop” etc when it’s really important, say if they’re at risk of hurting themselves or others or are going to break something valuable. If it’s behaviour that’s just a bit irritating (like banging toys around or shouting) I try to either accept it’s normal toddler behaviour even if it’s annoying me, or if possible then offer an alternative to the behaviour I want to discourage (for example instead of throwing a heavy toy around let them throw beanbags into a tub).

Just what works for me though.,

Now I know why so many dogs jump up at me while I'm out walking in the park.
Apparently I scared a dog recently by saying "get down" both times it jumped up at me. Oddly its bouncy body language was more consistent with "I'm having great fun and fancy another jump" rather than fear of a random person giving it an instruction.

Back to children. In the big picture, what values are important? What is trivial and not worth a battle?
I want my children to be kind. They are challenged on behaviour that is not kind.
I learned not to battle their whims on clothing. If they want to wear a lack of layers, I take the missing layers with me, and they put it on when they reach the natural consequence of being cold.

Understanding why boundaries are there is important, but it doesn't have to be long, waffly explanations. They won't get it at first, but they will get there in the end. At the early stage of toddlerhood it might be as simple as , No! Hot! Ouch!

Every child is different and different siblings may need variations in approach.

Yes, most of us are just winging it.

Yes, a positive instruction such as "walk" is often more useful than negative "stop running"

At 18 months old you're still just making sure they stay alive.

I'd keep the reasoning for another few months yet.