Aibu to not know how I want to parent my toddler?

[pullonyourjudgypants]

So my pfb toddler is now 18months and is a rascal. What am I actually meant to say to correct unwanted behaviour? I’ve found myself saying “that’s naughty” or “you are making mummy cross.”---- Am I actually allowed to be cross or angry in this day and age?

I heard someone say at toddler group today “Please don’t hit you are making mummy sad” Is that any better?

I do say “No” and then try to distract but he’s very persistent

Been taking our puppy to dog training and they said I can’t say No to my dog, so can I to my toddler?

I have no idea ?! --

A choice is good too - red or blue t-shirt? Give him power over tiny things.

Also pick your battles - when he's screaming he wants to go first or whatever just let him.

My dog 100% understands no. It means stop what you are doing.

So if he's mouthing - no- he stops

I think people over think kids. Just do what feels natural for you and use common sense and be sensible.

I agree the word no can be overused though. I have heard mums saying it over and over again and it make me feel sad for the child.

I have a few friends who have used "gentle parenting" techniques with their young toddlers. It's a small sample size, but without exceptions the kids are all showing some really challenging behaviours. Still pushing and shoving at the age of 4. Struggling to be kind and gentle. When the parent "deals" with one of these incidents, the story goes something like this:

"does xxx looks like he enjoys being hit" (xxx is in tears, with dc of gentle parent on top of him)
Child responds: "yes" with a grin
Then hits them again.
Gentle parent tries again: "no, he isn't enjoying it. Look at his face, he's crying"

Makes my blood boil.

My interpretation is that these kids are begging for proper boundaries to be put in place. Don't ask your toddler o make these decisions for himself, he isn't capable of that kind of reasoning just yet.

What worked for us was saying a very clear "no" to unacceptable behaviours. Usually followed by an age appropriate explanation ie "no pushing" or "that's too loud, it makes the other people's ears hurt".
At the age of 18 months a lot of this was accompanied by gestures. Point at your ears when they are shrieking. Show them a pushing gesture when you want them to stop shoving other kids. The first priority is to stop the bad behaviour. Kids at this age lesen through behaviour, showing, examples. Not so much cognitive reasoning.

Nothing you do will eradicate challenging behaviours, but being clear and natural in your responses (rather than forcing yourself to be gentle just so that you never raise your voice) will give your child a road map with which they can navigate the world and society.

To be fair to you, at 18 months you are in the transition from having a lovely innocent baby, to having a young toddler who is capable of being inappropriate and annoying to you and others; but who is at the same time incapable of reasoning and logic. It's a really difficult transition for all of you.

Be very clear with them, and make it simple. Above all, don't hand over the responsibility to parent to them. It isn't fair.

And then, once you have chosen your form of parenting (raising your voice, saying something, putting them in the thinking corner or whatever it might be) - don't drag things out. They forget things really quickly so the learning has to be instant or it will be lost.

I think at 18 months I would plonk my toddler on he floor and count to five, while telling him what he had done wrong ("we don't whack our newborn baby sister with Lego"). Then forgive and forget and move on. It's not easy! And we don't always get it right.

Trust your instincts. Read fewer parenting books (you might not be doing that at all )

They understand 'no'and use it themselves early on.
I used the 'we don't hit in our family'line for hitting and being hit.
I do remember when dd was about 3ish telling her that if I say no and she asks I will tell her why but sometimes it would just be because I say so,because I am the parent incharge and my job was to look after her.
I also used the I will always love you but sometimes I do not like you,you know that they understand that when it comes back to you when you are having a grumpy day.

My interpretation is that these kids are begging for proper boundaries to be put in place.

I agree with this, but just wanted to add that I think you can practice gentle parenting while also having the boundaries that young children need. I think there’s a big difference between gentle parenting, which to me means treating your child with kindness and respect, and permissive parenting which allows children to behave however they want to and doesn’t set clear boundaries.

I agree - you can set clear boundaries 'I can't let you do that' while still explaining to the child why not if they're old enough to understand.

Plus I don't see anything wrong with 'when you hit X it hurts her/makes her feel sad' - that's just teaching empathy and that actions have consequences for other people in my book.

I have been using the No hitting at toddler group. Why my toddler seems the only one to hit, I don’t know. I point to or hold his hand as I say it. He grins and does it again Obviously finds it pretty funny.

No does seem to work on the puppy. I do understand instead of Noooooooo ( to chasing the ducks) i should say something positive like “this way”, but he needs that interruption before he’ll listen. Interestingly the dog training people seem to think he only stops chasing the ducks because he is scared of the No command. If only that worked on the toddler !

@Muddlingalongalone He’d probably love it in the crate with the puppy, but I don’t think the puppy wouldn’t be so keen.

Puppies and young toddlers very similar

Personally I always think it is kinder to remove a toddler who is hitting rather than to go into long emotional explanations about "making mummy sad".

First incident: gently grabbing his hand "No, you mustn't hit. It hurts."

Second incident: No, you mustn't hit. Lift child out and remove.

For one thing, this recognises that the other child (and the other parent!) need your support just as much as your own child does.

Quite frankly, at this age (and for a good deal longer) it doesn't matter if he only stops because he is stopped by you or because he reacts to the No; he is far too young to have much empathy anyway, and until he develops that it is your job to keep him safe and other children safe from him.

OP my son used to be quite pushy and I'd always had to watch him like a hawk at toddler groups. It changed with time and he wouldn't hurt a fly now (at almost 4).

I don't think this has all that much to do with what you do we long ad you don't do anything too crazy . They just grow out of it. Good luck!

Our 2.5 year old DD is also a rascal and always has been. We get down to her level and say firmly :"No, we don't hit. Hitting hurts". If she perseveres we hold her arms by her side and repeat, or take her away from the situation for quiet time.

One thing we have learnt is that shouting or losing our temper doesn't work - it just escalates the situation. We try to be firm. Other things that are starting to work are consequences "if you hit one more time we are going home", options "you can carry on sitting on the floor and not have your ice cream or you can stand up now and have your ice cream", or distraction: "I know you don't want to leave the park but look, over there by the car, there's a boy flying a kite".

It's all about consistency and knowing your own child. You soon fathom what they respond to and what doesn't work at all.