To reduce DDs activities because it's unfair to cart her siblings around?

[RogerThatOver]

DD is ten and loves everything to do with sport and performing. Two days per week we drive from school for 30 mins to a sports class and I take her siblings to soft play for two hours; we arrive home at 6.30. On another day I collect her sister from school while DD10 stays there to do cricket club. I take DD6 to her club then return for DD10 to take her to the older class of the same club and we wait for her for an hour in the cafe. On another day she has a club at 5 so we go to the library after school because it isn't worth driving home in traffic, then food shopping for the 90 mins she's there. On both of those nights we're not home until almost 7. On the other day she has an after school club for an hour so we usually walk the dogs nearby.

Her siblings are aged 6, 4, 3 and new born. None of them complain about all the carting DD around, and they're all really well behaved. However, I feel bad that they hardly have any time to play at home during the week, that they're up late and I feel like I spend a lot of the day preparing for after school - preparing meals/snacks/sports clothes and so don't have much time with the younger ones as a result.

I was thinking of reducing activities to three nights per week so she can pick her favourites but her dad thinks I'm being unfair - whilst simultaneously not offering to help, of course. I'm a lone parent besides DD10 seeing her dad EOW and life is ridiculously hectic. They're all happy the way things are now but they don't know any different as DD has always been busy.

What do you think - AIBU?

The fact that she doesn’t show any appreciation for the efforts is the killer here. If she’s not thankful for the sacrifices made for her she can do without.

I’d definitely reduce the clubs.

My eldest used to go to two school clubs and four out of school clubs a week. It was a nightmare, but she appreciated the help. She decided to reduce to two out of school activities and one school one herself a year and a half ago, and it works much better for everyone.

I’m really in awe of all the things that you’re doing, but I do agree with PPs saying that it’s too much and you’ll burn yourself out. You will also find yourself having to do the same for her younger siblings.

She’s old enough to make choices, 2/3 days a week for activities is plenty.

Do you have a friend you could team up with on the busiest night?
I had 3 dc ,my friend 4.Once a week we would have all of them at one house,one of us would look after and feed all the children,the other would do the ferrying around-worked well.

Of course she's not appreciative, she's 10. And this is what you have always done. She's hardly going to independently realise that 3 younger siblings and your marriage breaking down have made it untenable.

Can you find any courses at the weekend that she could do instead? That way, you would only have to take her once every fortnight and it wouldn't be a late night for the others.

Where I live, there are dancing, swimming and music lessons on Saturday and Sunday. Maybe this could work for you guys?

YANBU to cut back, I think 2 activities a week out of school hours is plenty and she can choose her favourites.it will give all the children more time to play together or on their own. Soon they will be doing swimming/ football etc so you need to plan for that.
I totally understand all the changes she has had to accept so you may have to spin this very positively and do it gradually but I am sure it is the right course for the whole family.
My youngest child ( and I only have three) spent a huge portion of the first five years of his life in the car or waiting. He accepted it as he didn’t know any different . I tried as best I could to coordinate the children’s activities ie having swimming or piano together or immediately following each other but it was all a bit of a slog.

I bet a lot of those saying you can’t or shouldn’t stop some activities have lots of support, DPs to lean on and share the load and maybe less kids to consider.

IMO it is absolutely insane to do so much with one kid when you have several to consider.

She is old enough to understand it can’t always be about her.

Her siblings need opportunities to do things.

You need some downtime and quality time together at home.

Decide on a reasonable number of activities and nights per week you are willing and happy with and make her choose what she wants to continue.

YANBU. 3 days a week is plenty. And if her father thinks it's unfair then surely he is welcome to take her on the other 2 nights.

Its a huge ask of you and of the little ones. And tbh it myst be quite stressful, think it would benefit you all to reduce it down to 3 nights a week.

Whilst your daughter has been through a lot lately, it does seem like a bit much. I guess if you and her siblings don't mind then it doesn't really matter. However, as a younger sister, I went and joined in my sister's activities. They weren't really things I loved and in 1 activity I didn't even have a group of friends there. Although I don't resent anyone, looking back I wish someone had made an effort to find out what I was interested in and supported me in doing that. I think it would have been good for me, as it would have given me something outside of school and helped me form friendship groups, which was difficult because I was so worked focused, didn't have much in common with my peers and didn't live near school. If you do choose to cut back, you certainly aren't being unreasonable. I also thinking you are amazing for the effort you put into keeping your younger children entertained whilst they wait.

The siblings don't mind as they are aged 6- newborn and don't know any different, but I can assure you that when they grow up, if one child's hobbies and interests were prioritized, but another wasn't allowed/given the same opportunities, then they will notice. I know a youngest of four who feels very resentful about this, although I think he's a bit petty about it- but in his eyes, everyone else got ferried around and things prioritized and he didn't. It's a matter of equity in the family- you can't just go with orienting around the most active one- less active/surface less interested children also need encouraging to do clubs, follow their interests, do sports otherwise they just shrug their shoulders or don't bother as they know it's not being encouraged (as the OP couldn't fit in, say, two more lots of swimming for other children, could she?)

I have 3 DC aged between 2-6 and while I do have DH he is out the house 13 hours a day Mon to Fri so for the nine different classes we do including over the weekend ( two are shared ) that is 11 drop offs and pick ups required and currently DC3 only does 1 class

I think you need to cut back as its far too much and the other DC are missing out on both the same opportunities but also just downtime or time to do things at home which they all need.

Once my dc is 5 they can all do to similar classes at the same time so I am confident they wont miss out and the older DC will naturally start to drop some .

The other DC aren't missing out on activities because of hers - the little ones are too young and DD6 isn't interested because she'd rather just play with her siblings after school.

I'm a lone parent to the youngest four so there's no one to leave them with.

I do think that it makes DD10 think she's the most important. DD6 came out of school with a letter about a new club the other day and DD10 immediately said she couldn't do it, because we're already busy that day. I pointed out to her that she gets to do loads of other things so if and when DD6 wants to do something then we will be reshuffling or sacrificing so everyone has a fair opportunity to try things. She wasn't impressed. Bizarrely, I think she's jealous because the younger ones get more time with me while she's at clubs but she also doesn't want to cut back.

Did you read my comment that you’re being unfair on your eldest by giving her the impression that she’s the most important? You’ve really created a monster of your own making unfortunately. I still don’t understand what possessed you to let a child with siblings do so many clubs.

The fact that she loves them and excels in them?

I have been thinking of your dilemma and can understand how you have got into this situation and how difficult it is to unpick.
Looking from the outside it clearly isn’t fair on the siblings or feasible for you. I also agree that it isn’t good for DD1 to think that if she wants something or is good at something that trumps her brothers and sisters. There is no way in any family that all the children can have this level of physical support to attend clubs.
The younger ones will understand this and not demand , will facilitate DD1 and you will subconsciously allow that to happen. The result of that will be either that she is seen by all including herself as Top Dog or that there will be resentment.
Pull back....
At the end of the day however talented she is in a certain field she is only going to pursue 1 or two instruments/ sports. In a year or two it may be that she has more autonomy ie can catch bus , stay at Dad’s to facilitate extra choices but at the moment this is not practicable.

Well you're not going to be able to do 5 activities a week for 5 different kids so on that basis, as well as the fact that it's exhausting, I think you should cut back. Choose 1 or two for her based on the importance of the skills/ socialisation and let her choose the other 1 or 2.

YANBU my daughter had to quit her dance lessons because they ended up taking up most of every Saturday. Her little brother was spending half of his weekend being carted to and from competitions and classes for his sister’s hobbies. There’s 2 children so if it’s not fair on the other then it doesn’t happen now.
I only allow them to do after school clubs now as it doesn’t affect the other child

So bloody what if she loves and excels in them. You made a choice to have more children. There are consequences to this choice. And one of them is to treat all of your children fairly.

You should never have let her start so many, Now she is going to miss out because of bad decisions.

Very very few large families manage to pull off fair treatment of all, quality one to one time and all the hobbies they may want to do. Someone always misses out.

There are some nasty people on this thread

Her daughter has another parent he is called a father but sadly doesn’t seem to be doing much parenting and that unfortunately isn’t something the op has control over

Yes Enthusiasm the children do have two parents. But if the father isn’t prepared to step up and parent, he isn’t. Even if he were, it still wouldn’t be possible to take all the children to a plethora of activities.

Even if he weren’t a dickhead and assuming he works normal office hours, he’d be at work for most of the week day activities. The explanation that op just let her dd do all the activities she wants to do because she loves and excels at them is bizarre. She sounds amazing and like wonder woman. But at the end of the day, she needs to parent her kids fairly. There are always going to be different sort of clubs for quieter, less sporty children.

It does sound a lot with four other children but it also sounds like you’re juggling it fantastically. I assume you’ve checked if there are any children nearby who do the same activities and may be able to give her a lift home? I haven’t read the whole thread so sorry if this has already been suggested but would her father consider paying for an after-school nanny/driver to take the pressure off you a couple of days per week? It probably wouldn’t need to cost a fortune and might suit a student for example?

Is it really bizarre

They family have just split up the op is trying to keep all children happy and not wanting to upset or disappoint any of her children

It’s not difficult to be empathetic if you want to be

OP sorry if you’ve answered this - do all kids have same Dad?

It sounds like you need to have a frank conversation one on one with DD10 where you figure out what ones are her favourites and how important it is that her sublings have a life too.

Your ex-dp sounds like a waste of space.

I think the assumption that younger children will just be enrolled in dance / gymnastics with their older sibling is a bit bizarre. What if they have a hidden talent for football / karate / chess?
Definitely too many activities. Not fair on the others as your eldest's reaction to the idea that her sibling might do a club shows.