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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To reduce DDs activities because it's unfair to cart her siblings around?

109 replies

RogerThatOver · 02/11/2017 21:58

DD is ten and loves everything to do with sport and performing. Two days per week we drive from school for 30 mins to a sports class and I take her siblings to soft play for two hours; we arrive home at 6.30. On another day I collect her sister from school while DD10 stays there to do cricket club. I take DD6 to her club then return for DD10 to take her to the older class of the same club and we wait for her for an hour in the cafe. On another day she has a club at 5 so we go to the library after school because it isn't worth driving home in traffic, then food shopping for the 90 mins she's there. On both of those nights we're not home until almost 7. On the other day she has an after school club for an hour so we usually walk the dogs nearby.

Her siblings are aged 6, 4, 3 and new born. None of them complain about all the carting DD around, and they're all really well behaved. However, I feel bad that they hardly have any time to play at home during the week, that they're up late and I feel like I spend a lot of the day preparing for after school - preparing meals/snacks/sports clothes and so don't have much time with the younger ones as a result.

I was thinking of reducing activities to three nights per week so she can pick her favourites but her dad thinks I'm being unfair - whilst simultaneously not offering to help, of course. I'm a lone parent besides DD10 seeing her dad EOW and life is ridiculously hectic. They're all happy the way things are now but they don't know any different as DD has always been busy.

What do you think - AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
RogerThatOver · 02/11/2017 22:41

It's not that I mind, it's that I feel like I'm constantly preparing and hurrying them along and don't actually get to spend any quality time with the DC during the week. She's busy 5 nights per week.

OP posts:
BrutusMcDogface · 02/11/2017 22:43

I feel like that sometimes and I only take my three kids to activities three days per week, two of which are for two of my kids and I only have the one to drag around at that time. My youngest is always getting in and out of the car, and even at her young age she moans about it! Sometimes she wants to stay at home and just "be".

JMAngel1 · 02/11/2017 22:45

I think that routine is bonkers with a newborn - I would only have her do one activity after school per week and one activity at the weekend.. You're running around like crazy - you must be shattered with a newborn. Plus I dread to think what your monthly activity outgoings are.

lifetothefull · 02/11/2017 22:48

You are doing amazingly and are managing at the moment. I think yanbu to cut back a little so that your routine is more sustainable. 3 nights a week as you suggest sounds reasonable to me.

Only1scoop · 02/11/2017 22:49

I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than nomad around like that....too much.

Ex sounds useless why can't he do any ferrying?

Only1scoop · 02/11/2017 22:50

Obvs YANBU

Xmasbaby11 · 02/11/2017 22:51

I don't know how you do it! You'll need to cut down the activities at some point so it's finding the right time. 4dc is a lot and life can't revolve around one of them.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 02/11/2017 22:51

You need to have a talk with her
She is old enough to be sat down . Surely she can see that all her activities are impacting the wider family - and she needs to help to chose how to reorganise a bit

I think that a chat like that whilst Acknowledging that all the change will have impacted her a lot will be useful ?

reachforthestarseveryday · 02/11/2017 22:54

I'd cut back her activities. You can't be taking 4 kids to 5 activities every day! And it's not fair to the rest to have them out every eve till 7.30. Maybe cut back to 2/3 days per week.

glitterlips1 · 02/11/2017 22:57

Been there. Thankfully after a while my DS gradually started to drop some of the clubs and I didn't protest, I was relieved to not have to hang around waiting, rushing around and driving here there and everywhere! Now we only do two clubs a week as it just isn't fair to cart other children around all the time.

Original poster
RogerThatOver · 02/11/2017 22:57

They're not particularly expensive activities, thankfully. Ex has other DC that he prioritises but the official line is he works away (obviously I imagine seeing him drive around town/his car parked at home!)

OP posts:
oldlaundbooth · 02/11/2017 23:01

It sounds far, far too much.

LovingLola · 02/11/2017 23:03

How are you managing all that with a newborn baby?

teazle · 02/11/2017 23:04

Definitely cut it down. For everyone's sake. Time being at home is also important. It can be hard to get the balance right, and I'm impressed how well you and the siblings seem to cope with it, but you can't go on like this.

Hopefully next year (I assume she's Y6 now and therefore at secondary school next year) there will be opportunities to participate in more clubs at school if she want to. Our secondary has lots of lunchtime and after school clubs and the kids then just catch a later bus home.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 02/11/2017 23:05

I think she has to make the choice what activity she likes the most

It’s far too much running about. Sadly that her father won’t help is something you can’t change hebis making that choice

I think you are doing great but you need time just to relax and it’s good for children to chill out at home and get bored

MrsOverTheRoad · 02/11/2017 23:07

YANBU. She might love them all but there's a limit when she's got siblings.

I've never really understood allowing DC to have more than two maximum clubs.

Both of mine are allowed one extra curricular activity outside school clubs.

Ifearthecold · 02/11/2017 23:13

My pair are allowed three things a week, after that I feel that we don't have any down time. My DS would do ten things a week and then collapse.

manicinsomniac · 02/11/2017 23:14

If she really loves the activities, I'd keep going. You are doing other (fantastic) stuff with the younger ones so it's not like they're spending hours a week just watching their sister.

I can sympathise. I'm a lone parent of 3 and my two older ones dance almost every night (and if they're not dancing they're involved in something else performance related). I'm very grateful that they don't like sport too! There's a big gap between them and my youngest and I wasn't prepared to change their life when she was born. So my now 3 year old has never known anything different to running around after her sisters. But she'll have her turn.

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 02/11/2017 23:52

So your ex is the father of all your children, but only sees your oldest EOW but not the others? He also has other children he prioritises?

mumeeee · 02/11/2017 23:53

We had a rule when our DDs were children no more than 3 activities each.
Even when it was only the oldest doing activities.

FritzDonovan · 03/11/2017 01:50

You're prioritising her enjoyment at the expense of quality time with your other children.
You dont mind being busy, the dc don't complain (yet!), she loves all her activities (of course she does), and luckily they're not expensive (but then you spend money at soft play as well while hanging around). Good for you. She's having a great time, while your other dc get less quality time and consideration. She's going to get used to being considered first above the others.

ChaoticKate · 03/11/2017 05:20

I spent so much of my time as a child sitting around waiting for one of my siblings to finish their activities. They did so much that there just wasn't the time or capacity to work out if any of the rest of us (big family!) would enjoy doing something. I was quite resentful into my teenage years that sibling's interests trumped everything else and sibling turned into a fairly spoiled, entitled individual. Maybe start to reduce activities a bit - even if the others don't do anything it still isn't fair for one child's 'stuff' to dictate everybody else's time to that degree.

JoandMax · 03/11/2017 05:47

I would reduce them, much as your other DC don't complain now as they get older they may resent that their elder sister is the number one priority and everything revolves around her.

DS1 would happily do sport and other activities every minute of the day but as a parent I have to limit it in mine and his siblings interest as much as his! He had 2 activities he loves but we were leaving the house at 7am and he wasn't home until 6.45pm, that's too long for a 9 year old so we talked to him and he's dropped one. Yes he was disappointed but understood why.

We now do 3 afternoons/evenings a week activities and the other 2 to just play at home or potter about and life is much easier for everyone now.........

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 03/11/2017 06:06

Is she a yr5 10 year old or a yr6 10 year old? I found that secondary school was like a club cliff and loads of the clubs stopped. Are there clubs which might be reaching a natural end point? Swimming for example might be dropped (yeah I know it is a MN sin to drop it) - you are at level 8 now dd and you can swim really well, let's drop swimming so we can have a quieter evening. Are there any which can be moved to a Saturday morning so dh has to suffer EOW so that weeknights are a bit quieter - maybe one of the less favoured ones as this one will be dropped as soon as he realises the hassle.

Quagmired · 03/11/2017 06:30

Has it just hit you because of the time change? I’m struggling this week and I think it’s because often we’re not home until dark. We’re in the same situation in that Dd (5) is dragged to three activities of DS’s, on average half hour travel time each way and then sat in the corridor whilst he’s there for an hour. I feel terribly guilty for her, but there’s not a lot I can change as two are therapy sessions. I did refuse more on the basis that DD has to have a chance to do something too, and we’re never at home and that is just as important.

I think I’d leave it for now and see how it goes in the winter. It seems that you’re making good use of the time when she is at clubs, it’s not like you’re sitting down just waiting for it to finish. And if you cut the club but end up having to do the shop with all kids in tow, you’re just going to upset your DD. Can you start to think about her getting there herself (maybe when it gets lighter and warmer and agree with the leaders etc) if there’s a sensible public transport connection. Then you would just need to collect her. Start to pass on to her the responsibility of sorting her kit and snacks.