To reduce DDs activities because it's unfair to cart her siblings around?

[RogerThatOver]

DD is ten and loves everything to do with sport and performing. Two days per week we drive from school for 30 mins to a sports class and I take her siblings to soft play for two hours; we arrive home at 6.30. On another day I collect her sister from school while DD10 stays there to do cricket club. I take DD6 to her club then return for DD10 to take her to the older class of the same club and we wait for her for an hour in the cafe. On another day she has a club at 5 so we go to the library after school because it isn't worth driving home in traffic, then food shopping for the 90 mins she's there. On both of those nights we're not home until almost 7. On the other day she has an after school club for an hour so we usually walk the dogs nearby.

Her siblings are aged 6, 4, 3 and new born. None of them complain about all the carting DD around, and they're all really well behaved. However, I feel bad that they hardly have any time to play at home during the week, that they're up late and I feel like I spend a lot of the day preparing for after school - preparing meals/snacks/sports clothes and so don't have much time with the younger ones as a result.

I was thinking of reducing activities to three nights per week so she can pick her favourites but her dad thinks I'm being unfair - whilst simultaneously not offering to help, of course. I'm a lone parent besides DD10 seeing her dad EOW and life is ridiculously hectic. They're all happy the way things are now but they don't know any different as DD has always been busy.

What do you think - AIBU?

She's only year 5 so getting there herself or the club's reducing naturally isn't going to happen for a while. She finished her swim stages when she was 7, none of the activities she does now will come to a natural end like that and ex just will not take her at weekends so I can't move any.

I agree that life revolves around her at present and that it isn't fair on the others; I don't want them to think they're less important. Particularly as she's not very appreciative of the effort everyone puts in for her.

Does she help at all getting stuff ready? If not, start there. She needs to sort her stuff and gradually add in her also sorting snacks etc for the other DC to do whilst she's at her activities.
I'm not saying send her there herself now, but looking ahead. E.g. If you can prepare her now, give a bit independence slowly, then by the time your other DC are clamouring for clubs she should be able to get herself to one or two of her activities.
I regularly meet 10-11 yr old kids from DS's school taking themselves to music lessons or sports clubs in the neighbouring town, but it is a direct bus.

I think cut down. I spent every day after school trailing around after my older sibling's activity and never had the opportunity to develop my own.
It was expected that hers came first because she loved it whereas i was 'just trying it out'. I was really resentful then and looking back find it breathtakingly unfair.
If she isn't even grateful I would certainly cut down to 2, max.

Presumably she is off to secondary school soon. That will all be too much with her homework etc. Start talking to her about which 2nights she wants to keep. Are you on mat leave at the moment? Presumably you will be going back to work in the non too distant future. Even if you didn’t work previously it’s likely to become a necessity now single. Dealing with work and 5 kids, something is going to have to give. Presumably Dcs who are 6 and 4 will want to do some things soon.

I think it's way too much - apart from anything else my 4 and 6 year old would need to be in bed by 7.30, they'd never cope with only just getting home at that time particularly towards the end of a week st school and nursery. Are you all not just totally knackered? When do you get time for yourself - which you really need with so much going on? A family is a team and she wil need to make some adjustments- horrible when so much has changed but it's changed for you all and it's too much.

I think at the ages of your other 4, she needs to accept she can't do everything - we all have choices to make about how much capacity we have and for her homework is soon going to be a bigger factor so she'd need to drop back then. Can she pick something she really wants to do and/or something close to home - is there space at weekends for her to do an activity which her dad would then need to sort out half the time.

And seriously, he's left you with 5 kids and things you should maintain the same activity levels. That right there is reason enough to split.

I never got to do anything that I couldn't walk myself too, because I was one of six and my parents couldn't manage it.
So I think you're doing a good job not stopping everything because she has lots of siblings.

Your dd will be going to secondary school soon enough, so may not be able to keep the activities going anyway

I know it’s hard for you, but your dd has already had her world rocked recently, I’d keep things as they were for a while and see what happens when she goes to “big” school.

I’m in awe. But definitely cut it down. She is one of five and whether it is fair or not, she has to understand that. I would be tempted to say each child chooses an activity each week night. I know the little ones won’t appreciate this for a while, but being able to say this is the baby’s night so we’re staying in and you can all help bath them (him? Her?) or something daft like that. Maybe this will allow them to enjoy quality time at home/together/with you.

As for her useless dad. If he is not contributing his time then he cannot dictate yours. You say he prioritises other children, and I worry your other four will feel you prioritise your eldest.

'She is old enough to be sat down . Surely she can see that all her activities are impacting the wider family - and she needs to help to chose how to reorganise a bit '

This ^. Activities 5 nights a week that is far too much imo especially when you have 4 small DC to be considering. Tell her to choose her 3 favourite, drop 2 and explain family time at home is just as important as activities.

Yanbu

I'd cut them down to the one that she is likely to continue with into her teenage years.

Dd did all sorts when she was younger but naturally selected to the one that she still does at 18.

Three activities is more than enough!
The others will miss out on downtime, or having a play date after school. They are old enough for that. I think you are making the mistake of focus ing on your pfb.

I think it’s too much and is unfair on the younger siblings. They say they don’t mind, because of course they don’t, They’ve never known anything else - but, really? come on, it’s rubbish.

It’s too manic. Too manic for DD10. Where’s her downtime?

Ask her to cut back one.

I also think it's easy to say the 6 year old 'doesn't want' to do activities, but is that really true- and perhaps she/he and the others should be encouraged to do the odd activity, swimming, a sport at least, because it's important they get encouragement and outside school achievement too. I very much encourage both of mine to do outside activities, and if they aren't sporty/dancing, what about afterschool clubs for chess or astronomy or perhaps a street dance class?

I think you know this isn't sustainable and it does mean the others are essentially trailing around after her all week.

Mine are at secondary, one does one club which is a drive one evening and that's it. The other does one club I have to take her to, and two straight from school. If you are on your own with the children then there's a danger you will burn out as well with all the organizing and driving- I limit it to one evening a week per child (more on weekends if they wanted) as I work too and need to not be rushing to activities myself, plus they need most nights to do homework.

ex just will not take her at weekends so I can't move any.

That is the point. Get her to choose which one she likes the least and shift that one to the weekend. It is just the way it is. Dh will soon change his tune about dropping it when he is inconvenienced too. At the moment it is you against her and him. He can't control what you do in your time. It is not his choice. Having said that it is easier if he is suggesting it too.

You are making good use of the time in between waiting around - and this can always be used for reading, homework and playing games with the others. But yes, you might want to say that one weekday evening and all weekend is for family time, or two weekday evenings and one weekend day. And keep that rule when the others start doing things. Try to find a natural end to one or two of them. Tell her the activities are brilliant, but a bit inconvenient for everyone else, and that from Jan, you want her home two evenings a week relaxing and playing with you and her siblings - this will be much better for her development, especially as school gets more stressful.

I do a LOT of driving around for DDs dance (four days a week after school, all day Saturday, and every other Sunday). 30 min drive each way while she then dances for several hours. It is absolutely exhausting and I do resent it often, but DD loves it and it is currently part of her career plans. I am also a single parent but with an older DS.

I can completely empathise with the exhaustion of it but also wanting to not change anything, I am glad DD has something she is passionate about. But adding in 4 younger children sounds really hard, though actually it sounds like you manage it really well and do plenty with them as well.

But if you did want to cut back (and it sounds like for the others that would be a good idea) is there maybe just one activity she could drop? Or are any of her activities available more locally, or any local clubs she could get herself to in place of the current activities? Any of her local friends interested in taking up anything similar and you could lift share?

I'm in awe of your stamina to date OP but I also agree this isn't sustainable. You'll burn out if nothing else.

Also, coming from a big family (bigger than yours) I think any level of favouritism won't be unnoticed or forgotten. So unless you're prepared to do the same or similar levels of activities for all of them you may have this come back on you at some point.

It sounds like it's actually working well for you, OP. You say all the kids seem happy and are well behaved and you don't mind.

If your DD loves these activities, I would be hesitant to take them away from her at a time when you have split up with her dad and moved house.

You mention quality time but you're probably having better quality time in the soft play/library/cafe; at home you'd probably be busy sorting dinner, etc.

I would try and work around the activities, so maybe play date after school for you DC2 on one of DC1 activities, meaning only one pick up?

It sounds like you're doing amazing

In the medium to long term it’s too much for one child with so many siblings. But in the short term given the family breakup this summer I’d look to keep everything stable for now. Maybe up till June? Do they stop for the summer holidays anyway?

If the ex won’t take her to clubs doesn’t he have your other kids so you can do it?

Is he just her dad? From the sounds of it he only sees her eow, where is the other kids dad?

If her dad won’t help then his opinion counts for very little. Tell him to either get involved or shut up.
I think three nights a week is plenty.. ask her to choose her three favourites and explain it’s not fair on the younger ones.
Your schedule is exhausting!

Tell DH he needs to employ someone to take her to the activities if they are that important to him! (A local student?)

My dd does 5 activities and one of them is twice weekly. I take 4 times a week. But she is an only. She would loved to have had siblings. Which wasn’t possible. She knows if she had them, she wouldn’t be doing that many activities and she was satisfied with the arrangement. She is yr5 and 9. If my dd can understand it, so can yours.

I don’t understand how you managed to get your 10yo involved in so many activities as she had a sibling around by the time she was 4. Your lives sound very complicated.

You are obviously being incredibly unfair on your other children. Moreover you are being unfair your eldest dd too for giving her the message she is more important than the rest of your children .

Your ex is manipulating you for his own amusement and can ex can eff off. Idiotic waste of space.

Is she a sensible young girl? I’m thinking at her age a taxi back from one or more of the clubs would be an acceptable compromise? Or do you have any family or friends in the area who would be willing to help? People with teens who are now driving who’d like to earn some money?