Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be unsure if they are U about other people's children?

43 replies

SharkiraSharkira · 02/11/2017 21:15

I know a couple of people (women) who seem to have gotten into the habit of referring to children who aren't theirs as 'theirs'.

For example, one of them refers to her stepchild as 'hers' if people asks about them, another looks after her close friend's children and frequently has pictures of them on fb, comments on the pictures referring to the kids as 'hers'.

I get that they have a great relationship with these children, and that is fantastic but AIBU to think that maybe it is a bit U to refer to children who aren't yours as 'yours'? It just feels a little bit disrespectful to their mothers, who they live with and are their main caregivers? Or am I just a killjoy Grin

I just know that, personally, anyone referred to my kids as 'theirs' I'd be pretty pissed off.

OP posts:
Lattedrinker · 02/11/2017 21:17

I’m not sure I understand. Can you give an example of a sentence when yours and theirs might be used?

CorbynsBumFlannel · 02/11/2017 21:20

I know someone who does this purely to wind up the mother so yanbu imo.

sayyouwill · 02/11/2017 21:22

But the children are ‘their’ stepchildren.
It’s better they are treated like one of their own than pushed out

drspouse · 02/11/2017 21:23

I have referred to my Guides/Brownies as "my girls". But usually when I'm in charge e.g. at an event.

user1493413286 · 02/11/2017 21:24

I suppose it depends on the context and it can be really complicated as I do think of OH and I as having two children (his DD and our joint daughter) but I don’t refer to her as my daughter and definitely not on social media but she is part of my family and it would be more insulting to my her, my dd and oh if I didn’t.
I wouldn’t like it if another woman was referring to my daughter as hers though so I try to be very aware of that with DSD:

Trills · 02/11/2017 21:24

You think it's wrong for someone to refer to their stepchildren as "theirs"?

YABU.

It's up to that individual and the children to decide what their relationship is like and how they refer to one another.

MyNewBearTotoro · 02/11/2017 21:25

Depends on the context I think.

I am a teacher and will sometimes refer to my pupils as ‘mine’ if retelling something from work (eg: ‘Today one of my kids threw her shoe over the febce’) - obviously they’re not actually my kids and I mean no disrespect to or to in any way invalidate their parents or my actual children in using the term ‘mine’ regarding my pupils.

I certainly wouldn’t find it weird for a step-parent to refer to a step-child as ‘theirs’ in a photo (eg: ‘My little Mary in her first ballet show’ ‘My 3 kids having fun in the paddling pool’), especially if they are heavily involved in their life. Maybe a bit stranger into refer to a friend’s child as ‘mine’ but in some contexts it could certainly seem reasonable.

BernardBlacksHangover · 02/11/2017 21:26

Do you mean they say things like "look at this lovely picture of my daughter"? I can't imagine a sentence where dc are called 'mine'. "Here's a photo of mine"?

CorbynsBumFlannel · 02/11/2017 21:27

When it's on social media for all to see and the dads gf is posting stuff like 'so proud of all of my 4 beautiful children' (only one of which is theirs) and the relationship with the mother isn't good then it's just goady imo.

BernardBlacksHangover · 02/11/2017 21:28

I used to volunteer with children and I would have said "one of mine did x, y or z today", when they obviously weren't my sons or daughters.

Original poster
SharkiraSharkira · 02/11/2017 21:31

Woman with stepchild simply refers to DSC as if they were hers, sort of implying that she is their mother. Very rarely mentions her actual mother. Although yes it is FAR better that she treats DSC as her own, of course it is, but I would be annoyed if my ex's gf refered to my DC's as hers, which this woman does.

Other woman does things like putting up a picture of her with the kids with a caption like 'me and my girls' or 'chilling with my girls' 'lovely day with my girls' etc etc. Refers to the kids as if they were hers if you see what I mean.

OP posts:
BernardBlacksHangover · 02/11/2017 21:35

It sounds a little vague tbh... "my 4 beautiful children", when only one of the dcs is his child, (as mentioned by pp above), would be quite strange and probably goady, but "me and my girls" is something some people say about groups of female friends and things. "Girls" isn't just for daughters iyswim.

Love51 · 02/11/2017 21:35

I refer to my brothers stepkids as 'his' to differentiate which one of us should deal with a kid sound. I wouldn't expect their father to be involved at my family parties. Eg there is a child crying. Not mine, must be one of yours.
We both know they are his responsibility not progeny.
In a work context I refer to my own kids with the word own, to differentiate from those I have professional responsibility for.

Original poster
SharkiraSharkira · 02/11/2017 21:39

I wouldn't exaclty expect a Stepmum or Stepdad to caption a picture 'me and my stepchild' but why can't they just use their name or say 'the kids/boys/girls'?

Corbyn, yes stuff like that has been done although not always. I don't think its intentional to offend the mothers at all. Pretty much all my RL friends would be very annoyed to see another else refer to our kids as theirs, or refer to themselves as our children's mothers. Maybe we are in the minority!

Fwiw I have a DSS and although we have a good relationship I would never refer to him as 'my son' or 'my boy', or imply that I was his mother (although sometimes people do assume I am when we are out!) because I would feel it would be disrespectful to his mum.

OP posts:
Altwoo · 02/11/2017 21:40

I think that when you’re a stepparent, you can’t win.

Perhaps she’s doing it to make the step kids feel part of that family too?

Justoneme · 02/11/2017 21:42

Once again stepmoms can't do right from doing wrong 😂😂😂

PurplePipp · 02/11/2017 21:45

I refer to my DSD as "my girl". I also refer to my best friend as "my girl" so I don't see a problem with it, I'm not pretending to be her mum either!

If people ask if DH and I have children I say yes. Generally because if they don't already know the answer they aren't someone I'm close to and are just being nosey, so I'm not going to go into detail about my relationships.

Original poster
SharkiraSharkira · 02/11/2017 21:45

Stepparenting is a minefield, its true!

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 02/11/2017 21:45

My sister is my mum's stepdaughter. She hated it if my mum referred to her as such as it made her feel "different". Given that the age difference between them is 14 years quite a few people therefore assumed my mum was some kind of child bride!

MERLYPUSSEDOFF · 02/11/2017 22:06

I have boys. I also refer to My Cubs as 'my boys' when we are out together. I.E. ''I'll get a lolly for my boys'' etc.

JeNeSuisPasVotreMiel · 02/11/2017 22:12

Why on earth is she posting pictures of the stepchildren on social media anyway?
I certainly wouldn't be happy if anyone did that with my kids' images.

Reflexella · 02/11/2017 22:15

Yes definitely about intention.

As a deliberate wind up to parent - not cool

As an attempt to pull everyone into a blended family & feel included - good intentions

Original poster
SharkiraSharkira · 02/11/2017 22:27

What about friend's children?

OP posts:
Original poster
SharkiraSharkira · 02/11/2017 22:28

Very true reflex.

OP posts:
nokidshere · 03/11/2017 08:01

I say 'my' girls or 'my' children when referring to the children I childmind. Everyone knows they aren't mine in the true sense of the word but they are mine because they have been coming to me for 5 years plus it sounds nicer than 'The girls'

None of the parents are offended as far as I know