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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be unsure if they are U about other people's children?

43 replies

SharkiraSharkira · 02/11/2017 21:15

I know a couple of people (women) who seem to have gotten into the habit of referring to children who aren't theirs as 'theirs'.

For example, one of them refers to her stepchild as 'hers' if people asks about them, another looks after her close friend's children and frequently has pictures of them on fb, comments on the pictures referring to the kids as 'hers'.

I get that they have a great relationship with these children, and that is fantastic but AIBU to think that maybe it is a bit U to refer to children who aren't yours as 'yours'? It just feels a little bit disrespectful to their mothers, who they live with and are their main caregivers? Or am I just a killjoy

I just know that, personally, anyone referred to my kids as 'theirs' I'd be pretty pissed off.

OP posts:

user789653241 · 03/11/2017 08:17

I think it's lovely in both cases.
Step mum won't refer them as such unless she has great relationship with her step children.
Child minder must love children and very proud of them to express that way.

Unihorn · 03/11/2017 08:43

If someone asks how many children I have I normally say 'we have two' referring to our daughter and my stepdaughter. I wouldn't say I have one and one stepchild as it sounds clumsy. I don't put stuff on Facebook about her at all though.

If we're out and someone mistakes her for my daughter I wait for her to correct or don't correct otherwise as I find it awkward correcting people and don't see the problem.

Unihorn · 03/11/2017 08:43

If we're out and someone mistakes her for my daughter I wait for her to correct or don't correct otherwise as I find it awkward correcting people and don't see the problem.

DeadGood · 03/11/2017 08:46

"I know a couple of people (women) who seem to have gotten into the habit of referring to children who aren't theirs as 'theirs'."

Contemptuous much? You make it sound like they are naughty schoolgirls, instead of stepparents who have made a conscious decision to be inclusive.

Ttbb · 03/11/2017 08:47

It's fine to refer to a step child as yours, they are yours in away. But not children that you just take care of no matter how close you are to them.

TheHungryDonkey · 03/11/2017 09:29

It sounds like she is being inclusive which is nice.

missiondecision · 03/11/2017 09:37

Is it not a term in affection rather than an atual claim?

missiondecision · 03/11/2017 09:41

Actual

user1497357411 · 03/11/2017 09:55

I think it is absolutely sickening when a stepparent doesn't call the child their child even after several years. I worked together with a terrible bitch once, who felt insecure about me having a better job than her even though I was ten years younger (the small detail that I had studied 60 hours a week for 6 years to get that job didn't factor into it. She still found it to be unfair.) She was constantly mentioning that she was a mum and I wasn't and hinting that therefore she was more of a woman than me. But one of her children seemed to have the name "Not-my-child". "Not-my-child"'s bio mum was dead and my coworker had been her mum since "Not-my-child" was two years old. When "Not-my-child" was 16 she got pregnant. This finally made bitchy coworker stop pretending to be a super mum. I don't blame "Not-my-child" for getting pregnant in such a young age. She was probably just looking for love in the wrong place as "Not-her-mum" definitely didn't give her any.

Since then all alarm bells are ringing for me when a stepparent seems to be going out of her or his way to remind us that one or more of the children in the house is "Not-my-child".

TalkinBoutWhat · 03/11/2017 10:15

I think using the term 'mine' is a endearing, actually.

My friend's DS is an adorable boy, who throws himself at me whenever I see him and gives me the most gorgeous hugs and it's a relationship that has developed. My DSs have all outgrown that so I love it.

I refer to him as 'my little munchkin'. To me it just reflects that he's special to me. I'm not his mother. Not even pretending to be. Part of what makes him special to me is that his mother is special to me... (plus the hugs, can never go wrong with hugs....)

Original poster

SharkiraSharkira · 03/11/2017 10:20

User, I have a dss and I don't refer to him as my child, because he isn't. That is just factually correct. It doesn't mean we don't get on or I am deliberately excluding him. I never make an issue of it either. If we are out and people make the assumption he usually corrects them.

Dead, I'm not just talking about step parents though. Some of the people I know who do this are just friends/childcare workers with no familial relationship to the children.

OP posts:

Mittens1969 · 03/11/2017 10:32

My DSis says that she has 4 children, the oldest is her DH’s DS from his previous marriage. Then she has 2 of her own birth children and finally an adopted DS. We think of them all as her children and don’t differentiate, which is what she has asked for. (She was the main carer for her DSS for a number of years.)

But he calls my DSis by her name, as he has a mum and that’s completely understood. She’s very careful what she puts about him on FB, though, so as not to tread on his mum’s toes.

Tabsicle · 03/11/2017 10:35

My DSM refers to me as hers. I never thought this was an issue. I think I'd be quite upset if she felt the need to say "day out with my girls and also this other person I'm not related to".

Mittens1969 · 03/11/2017 10:40

My DDs are adopted so biologically not mine, but I obviously refer to them as ‘my girls’ as that’s what they are.

I suppose a case in point would be foster carers though as legally their role is very different from that of adoptive parents. It all depends on the context though and also the intention of the person saying ‘mine’.

charlestonchaplin · 03/11/2017 10:54

My SIL's old friend (from university) calls SIL's children hers. SIL minds not a jot. They don't live in the same country and she doesn't even see SIL or the children every year. SIL is not at all possessive where her children are concerned, at least on the surface. She is confident of the prime position she holds in her children's lives. Perhaps that is why she is happy for everyone to show an interest in her children. With love and interest come material benefits. That may or may not influence her attitude, I really don't know, but it is irrelevant because she alone is their mother and that is that.

CurlyBlueberry · 03/11/2017 11:05

My best friend refers to my kids as "her babies". "Coming to see my babies this weekend" etc. I don't mind at all, I think it's lovely. She is desperate for kids but not quite yet in a position to have them. Her whole life is around children (working to become a paediatrician). If she wants to love and make a fuss of and include my kids and call them her own that's entirely fine by me.

MargaretTwatyer · 03/11/2017 11:25

I sort of know what you mean. I have someone on my FB who refers to her children as 'hers' and never makes it clear they are SC. She never mentions their mother and makes a big song and dance out of domestic things she does for them like getting them ready for scout camp. If you didn't know, looking at her FB you'd think their mother didn't give a shit and had dumped them. But she's a very involved RP.

I know other people who refer to SC as theirs and it's fine....but there's a particular way of doing it which is not so nice...

MissionItsPossible · 03/11/2017 11:38

I think it also depends on the age of the children and the relationship. I don't call her my mother but my stepmother calls us all her kids. I will correct it though when one of their friends asks me or refers to something about 'my mum'.

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