Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP wanting a room all to himself

86 replies

SarahH12 · 02/11/2017 18:10

Current setup is three bedrooms, private renting. One room is our room, one room is DSD's and the spare room we both use to chill out in - read, use exercise bike etc. I love having this space but I see it as a luxury, not a necessity.

We've recently started looking at buying a house. DP wants us to go for a 4 bedroom. He sees it as when we want to have DC, they'll have the third room and then he still wants a 4th bedroom which he can call his space. I would rather buy a cheaper 3 bedroom and lose the spare room once we have DC. Him wanting a 4th bedroom pushes the prices up by quite a lot and would use practically every single penny of our savings for the deposit, meaning solicitors fees, stamp duty, moving costs etc would have to be paid for on a credit card.

I think he's being selfish and it's really putting me off wanting to buy with him if he can't wrap his head around the fact we lose space if we have DC. AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 02/11/2017 19:11

I have never lived with a partner and never will, but the idea of not having a room of my own makes me feel queasy. It's perfectly healthy to want a bit of privacy.
If you are hoping to have DC in the future, it's also not entirely unreasonable to have a spare bedroom if you think you will have more than one, as they might need/want seperate rooms as they grow up, so his comments about 'a house we won't grow out of' are not unreasonable.

However, if he's determined to have what he wants and expects you, DSD and any future DC to accommodate his preferences first of all, that could be a lasting problem...

GabsAlot · 02/11/2017 19:12

oh and im not sur u can put stamp duty on cc's

yorkshireyummymummy · 02/11/2017 19:17

Two points to make......

  1. How old is your DSD ? How much longer will she need to have her ' own room' at your house? ( I'm assuming she lives with mum) There could be a room becoming availiable InThe next few years if she's older.
  2. All of this ' buy the biggest house you can afford, stretch yourself ' etc is bad advice. I bought my first house in 1988. For the first year or so our payments went up every month. The mortgage doubled. From memory we went from about 7.25% to 15%. Interest rates WILL go up again so unless you have a full term morgage fixed rate I certainly wouldn't be considering stretching myself right now. Foolish advice. You may be too young to remember huge numbers of people in negative equity and massive mortgage payments which equalled repossessions and homeless people still owning tens of thousands to the bank. Buy what you can comfortably afford.
Charolais · 02/11/2017 19:18

Maybe look at houses where you can build an extension on in the future. It will give him something to look forward to/work towards and you can get a house you can afford now.

We have separate areas of the house to retreat to and it is wonderful.

Ragwort · 02/11/2017 19:22

Personally I would always want 'my own room' - DH and I sleep separately and I just love having my own space; but we are lucky in that we live in a relatively 'cheap' part of the country for housing and can afford a 5 bedroom house for 3 of us Blush.

I would always prioritise 'own space' - but I guess everyone is different. Like Rean - the thought of not having somewhere to go to be on my own would make me feel really constricted. Like now - DH is watching a film downstairs that I have no interest in (despite him reminding me it is what we went to see on our first date - 30 years go Grin) and I can sit peacefully in our study on the computer.

Slimthistime · 02/11/2017 19:23

I live alone so don't understand objections to "own space"

But if you can't afford it that's different.

Delancy · 02/11/2017 19:34

If you both use the spare room now, won't you both be able to use the spare room in the future? Why are you saying its just for him to use?

Go for the 4 bed if you can stretch to it, he may be right that in 5 years you regret your 3 bed decision and want more space.

ChickenVindaloo2 · 02/11/2017 19:41

A (decent) solicitor won't allow you to pay your stamp duty on a credit card. They will check your bank statements show you have enough cash for the purchase (and are not laundering money)

Liara · 02/11/2017 19:44

One of my conditions for our next house is that I have a room all to myself. Sounds like heaven.

Telstar99 · 02/11/2017 19:48

If you can only stretch to a 3 bed right now, then why don't you just have a bedroom for him, and one for you? You can put your own 'hobby' stuff in your respective bedrooms then. (Then the third bedroom can be for any future child.)

Who the hell does he think he has, that he should be entitled to a shared bedroom with you, and then one to himself, whilst any kids have to share anyway. What a bloody cheek! Hmm

I would go for a 4 if poss, and have a bedroom each, and two spares for any future kids.

Why does he think he should have his OWN BEDROOM, in addition to a shared one with you? I honestly can't get my head around the mentality.

Telstar99 · 02/11/2017 19:49

Who the hell does he think he IS, (not has!)

Anatidae · 02/11/2017 19:55

Totally fair. IF... if you have your own space too.

Dh and I have a four bed. Currently one child and we both have a room as an office/personal space each. We are very glad of the space.

When we hopefully expand the family we will need to redesign a bit. Maybe extend, or block off a space to create a small office for us each.

Putting it on a cc is madness.

Look at unusual layouts - houses with a tiny box room he could have, or a nanny room off a bedroom, or a small room off a hallway. They can be cheaper than four ‘normal’ bedrooms

DeadGood · 03/11/2017 09:27

"we can't actually afford it realistically at the moment. I'd be all for it if we could but having to put it on credit card in my book isn't affording it.

Stamp duty for the properties we're looking at works out at around 1.5k"

Wow, sorry OP. I live in the SE so stamp duty is a big deal.

For 1.5K, if you know you can afford it, you should go for a bigger place IMO. Moving is expensive (ie. you don't want to do it again in 3 years if you can avoid it) and if you think you can pay the extra costs off in a year, I would do it.

That said, I have a support network. If things really hit the fan, I have family I could ask for a loan until we were back on track. If you have no support at all, I can see why you would want to be more cautious.

But if you are just slightly nervous when it comes to money, you need to accept that, when it comes to money, you have to stretch yourself if you want to progress.

Original poster
SarahH12 · 03/11/2017 09:58

I think I'm worried about money because I've never had much of it in the past (used to live pay cheque to pay cheque) and we have no family support. I think ideally we'd spend a bit more time saving, even 6 months or so would put us in a much better place. We can easily afford the mortgage repayments it's just the initial deposit and other moving costs. But our tenancy agreement is up in 5 months and we don't want to spend another 12 months renting and LL isn't okay with rolling contracts.

Maybe I just need to chill out a bit.

OP posts:
Balaboosteh · 03/11/2017 11:54

Is he Virginia Woolf?

milliemolliemou · 03/11/2017 12:15

Bala Lovely. But Woolf - I don't think - never had to borrow or put things on credit cards. It's a great tract, but she wrote it for a certain audience and not those living four to a bed in one room.

OP an extra room is wonderful - though I would make it clear it's not just for DP.. But watch the interest rates and def nothing on credit. Might mean looking in a different area - does DP understand this? If interest rates went up to 5% where would this leave you?

TieGrr · 03/11/2017 12:30

You're going to be in the new house for a long time. Surely it's better to take a little more time now and buy a house that's going to be big enough for you to grow into rather than a smaller, cheaper option. Even if that means renting for longer.

Original poster
SarahH12 · 03/11/2017 13:38

I don't know who Virginia Woolfe is Confused

Okay maybe I phrased it wrongly. It's not that he thinks it's his room just that he is the one that currently uses it the most.

If interest rates go up, we're absolutely fine. I don't want to go into specifics but say for example the bank has said they'll lend us x amount, the houses we're looking at are all approximately 60% of this or less. On our current wages (although both of our companies give annual pay rises of 3-5% per year) we can afford the monthly repayments even if interest rates go up to 10%. We'd be seriously pushing it if they went up any higher but then I guess everyone would be in trouble if they went up much higher anyway.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 03/11/2017 13:43

What's he actually like? Because this sounds very much like a case of inherent selfishness, I'm-the-most-important-person-here coming out... as soon as you start talking in terms of big financial commitments.

Yes it would also make me not to want to buy with him. Interesting that this comes up once the serious, long-term, how do we want our lives to be stuff starts getting done.

Stretching for a 4 bed isn't necessarily a bad idea if you plan to have children, as moving and buying and selling costs a lot so it's a good idea to think ahead. But his reasoning? Selfish selfish! Not a good sign.

DunkMeInTomatoSoup · 03/11/2017 14:14

Everyone should have their own space, it's healthy. So be that a cabin in the garden (my freinds parens have matching sheds! She has her craft shed and he hads his train shed) , a spare roo, or even a loft conversion - I'd always take the cheaper option = nicer area, small house and extend through the roof rather than a bigger house, out of area, longer commute etc.

hellsbellsmelons · 03/11/2017 14:23

A nice converted shed in the garden should cover it nicely.
As others have said.

DeadGood · 05/11/2017 09:54

“We can easily afford the mortgage repayments it's just the initial deposit and other moving costs.”

This is the crap thing about buying a place isn’t it. Repayments on a mortgage are much less than renting (at least where I am) but there’s that huge hurdle that many can never get past. It’s shit.

It does sound like you are in a good place financially. I can see why, with no support, you are cautious. But honestly, you should get the largest place you can afford. For the sake of £4k (moving costs, stamp duty and fees) you could get an extra room? I’d go for it, personally

NataliaOsipova · 05/11/2017 09:59

Is he Virginia Woolf?

Grin Grin Grin

Orangebird69 · 05/11/2017 10:07

I don't see the issue myself. I'm looking at houses at the mo and if there isn't a room specifically for dh, or an outbuilding suitable, I dismiss it. I very much want dh to have his own space so he can keep all his shite that I hate in it.

Vinomcstephens · 05/11/2017 10:10

I'm with your husband - since your ARE planning on having children in the future, I'd go with buying the 4 bedroom house now. You've acknowledged the 4th bedroom will continue to be used as it is now (i.e. a room that everyone uses, that's it's not a man cave) so I don't think he's being selfish.

And as for fees etc going on a credit card. I know in MN that will send you on the certain path to bankruptcy, but in real life, if you can pay the cards off in 6 months then I think it's why wouldn't you, rather than why would you?