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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that he's regretting the decision?

79 replies

Pixielemons · 02/11/2017 11:17

I have posted about this ex before, so sorry for keeping posting about it!

My ex broke up with me after a tumultuous 12 month relationship where his behaviour was very abusive (emotionally, and in the latter weeks turned physical - grabbing wrists etc).

In the days after we broke up he said he loved me, missed me etc., but that there was no way he could keep hurting me.

We're getting to the one month mark now and despite me being very sad in the first week, I feel like I'm getting over losing him and concentrating on the abusive side of the relationship (which was about 80%) so I don't really feel anything anymore. However, having tried to establish NC he's getting really quite sulky - I didn't speak to him for less than a day on text, and he text me saying "are we not speaking anymore?" and rang me three times. He is going through some problems with therapy and part of me feels like I do want to help him, but his behaviour and his need for constant contact is quite unnerving.

For background, he has said a number of alarming things during the breakup. He keeps painting me as someone who is utterly devastated and heartbroken by his decision Hmm to which I have told him it was sad that things didn't work out, that we weren't a good fit etc so it was a good decision. He has told me that he has "got what he wanted" with contact as he can enjoy me without the pressures of a relationship. Perhaps most disturbing is that he said that we have a "deep magnetism" that will never leave us, and that we keep being drawn back together and so cutting contact is near impossible.

He has said he has been looking for me in places that he thinks I am, and he has text me saying his new job makes him sad because last time he was with that company we were in a really happy place and that "he couldn't stop thinking about us". He text me from yesterday evening to early this morning. I kept responses quite short and boring but I don't feel like ignoring him is the answer because he just keeps contacting (have tried a week before and it was awful)

I do love him, but I don't understand why he keeps contacting as he cut it off ? I would consider in the future giving us a go again, but this would be months/years down the line when he has had the therapy that he needs.

AIBU to ask him what's going on?

OP posts:
Santawontbelong · 02/11/2017 11:18

Yabu not to have blocked all contact. He is an ex because he is a bully and abusive.

Why would you need him in your life at all?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/11/2017 11:21

Why on earth would you consider reconciling with this man? He is abusive and seemingly obsessive. Just block him on everything and move on.

Acrosstheuniverse123 · 02/11/2017 11:21

Don’t even think about taking him back. He’s just trying to control you. Honestly I am staggered uou are even considering it.

DeadMorose · 02/11/2017 11:21

Block him.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 02/11/2017 11:22

He's just swapped one type of abuse for another.

Send him a text saying you're over him and don't want anymore contact and block him.

He is a major head fuck and no doubt always will be. Move on.

Shoxfordian · 02/11/2017 11:22

Block him! Stop giving him any more of your attention

QueenUnicorn · 02/11/2017 11:23

Change your number and don't look back. Do it now before it's too late for you. Your don't want to become his obsession.

Whitecup · 02/11/2017 11:23

I'm sorry but from what information you've given he sounds like a sociopath. Please have a read up and if you can you need to stay NC love.

martellandginger · 02/11/2017 11:23

You need to block all contact. move on without him.

Keep records of all texts and contact. Speak to non emergency police and tell a few friends and family how creepy he is being.

keep yourself safe.

tiggytape · 02/11/2017 11:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

juneau · 02/11/2017 11:27

First of all, if he was abusive 80% of the time then I think you need to think long and hard about why on earth you'd consider getting back with him in the future. Is that all you're worth? A relationship with someone who was abusive?

And secondly, if you want to try and draw a line under this relationship, then understand that by keep responding to his contact you're encouraging it to continue. However, if you think that explaining your position would help to make him back off then I'd text him something brief saying that now that you've split up you don't think it's appropriate to be living in one another's pockets any more and constantly updating each other on your lives and that you feel it would be healthier for you both to move on from that and be in less frequent contact. Don't tell him that you still love him, or that you see a future one day or anything like that. Create a bit of breathing space for yourself. Spend time with friends/family whose judgement you trust and try to fill your life with other things and people. It's only been a month since you split, but you need to move on and he needs to give you the space to do that. Constantly texting you is simply not fair and it would be reasonable to tell him that.

ElspethFlashman · 02/11/2017 11:27

You are being a mug, sorry. Nobody keeps in contact this much when they break up.

So you didn't speak to him for a day and he texts you and rings you 3 times. So? Just ignore! And if he persists, it's harassment so you block.

You want to ask him what going on, but I want to know what's going on with YOU that you persist in answering this clearly troubled individual. Do you think giving him little hits of attention is helping him? It's not. It's preventing him losing interest in you. He fishes, he gets a bite.....then an hour later it wears off and he goes fishing again, and he gets a bite again!

His behaviour is wrong, but you need to look at your own inability to cut the cord too. There is zero reason to keep up contact with an ex you have no kids with.

RainbowWish · 02/11/2017 11:27

Okay I understand you love him.
But if you where ever to get back with him in the future would you feel 100% comfortable he would never hurt potential children in the future?

It easy for me to say. But you need to cut off contact 100%
I have been with a controlling man. They have issues with boundaries and I don't think that will chance with your ex since he is still calling you many times a day.
Decide what you want and be firm and clear.
Any mixed messages can be very dangerous to your safty.

Sunshinegirl82 · 02/11/2017 11:30

Have you considered the Freedom Programme OP? Your boundaries sound quite skewed and everything about the way you describe the situation suggests you will take him back. I think you need some help to properly detach and look at why you ended up with (and want to continue being in contact with) an abusive partner in the first place. Good luck.

Viviennemary · 02/11/2017 11:34

He is a pain and adds nothing to your life. Cut it off now rather than 10 years or more down the line when you have wasted your time with this loser. You sound as if you are going to take him back. Please don't.

ClockworkNightingale · 02/11/2017 11:34

A physically abusive ex is harassing you, making obsessive comments, and is actively looking for you in public areas? That's stalking behaviour, which seems (from what you've presented) to be escalating.

Please try to create distance from him. In my experience, this sort of behaviour gets worse, not better. He's already crossed the line to physical abuse -- and that was before you tried to establish boundaries and limits on his contact with you.

Please don't ask him "what's going on" -- maybe a woman's charity would be able to advise? I'm not the most clued up, but you say you're "alarmed" by the way he's behaving. I would be alarmed too. Trust your instincts.

bunbunny · 02/11/2017 11:35

Send one last email and text telling him that you are cutting contact, he has been abusive to you and you no longer wish to be in contact with him in any way. And that if he contacts you again you will be reporting him to the police.

And then if he tries to contact you again, don't reply to him in any way, go directly to the police and report him - and let them deal with him.

messyjessy17 · 02/11/2017 11:36

Are you enjoying the drama a bit, having him chase you? Sounds like it. You said you tried to establish NC, but you haven't at all. It's not something you establish, you just block all contacts and don't speak. It doesn't take any time.
You are seriously considering getting back with him, be honest now.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/11/2017 11:36

What was awful about no contact for a week? The things on his texts?

He sounds unhinged. And he’s playing with you. Like a fly caught in a trap. It’s rather sick.

Raisedbyguineapigs · 02/11/2017 11:37

This sounds very alarming. The 'deep bond' sounds like he wants to keep you attached to him. You got out of a very abusive relationship. Stay out and away from him. You don't owe him anything. His problems are his to work out. If someone is abusive and stalking you, which he is with the 3 texts a day, always think they are capable of doing something terrible to you and act accordingly to keep yourself safe.

SilverSpot · 02/11/2017 11:38

This is fucked up.

Block husband number on your phone and on FB. That’s how you ‘establish NC’.

whiskyowl · 02/11/2017 11:38

This guy is getting off on the fact that he can control you. He thinks he can get you just where he wants - where you have to listen to all his boring problems and provide emotional support, without him giving anything back.

The best thing you can possibly do for your own self-respect, and for his respect for you, is to cut contact altogether. Block him.

DunkMeInTomatoSoup · 02/11/2017 11:39

In my deeply qualified opinion (PhD, Armchair psychiatry) - my phone would be right over the police station counter and a restraining order in place.

He's unhinged and he’s fixating on you.

CountryGirl1985 · 02/11/2017 11:39

Part of my job involves working with vulnerable people (not relevant to say more than that). His behaviour is ringing alarm bells, and I am sorry to be blunt but right now you are vulnerable because of it. I would advise him that you feel uncomfortable with the continued contact, and therefore would prefer that he did not contact you again. It will go, generally, one of three ways. One, he doesn't contact you again. Brilliant, problem solved. Do NOT be tempted to make contact with him for ANY reason later down the line. Two, you get a message saying, essentially, okay, sorry to make you feel that way or similar lines. Great, do not respond to that message even with a "okay, bye" or similar as you're prolonging the open contact. Delete it and do as option 1. Sadly, the people I see most are where option 3 comes in with repeated contact, texts, phone calls, through to turning up on doorsteps etc... in which case do NoT respond but keep everything- emails, texts etc... print out and put in a folder. Tell a few trusted friends/close family and agree a distress signal - I had one lady who used her sister, the code was ordering pizza. Ex turned up, wouldn't leave, she placated him long enough to say she was hungry and ordering pizza but instead phoned sister, "placed the order," sister phoned police - you get the idea. Report it to police, ask for a home security check and if you are out and about get a personal alarm, ideally if you feel uncomfortable get someone to walk with you e.g to the car. I'm sorry, I really don't want to sound like a prophet of doom and hopefully he will get the message, if he doesn't you need to take it further x

Sparklesocks · 02/11/2017 11:40

He’s not interested in committing to you in a healthy, respectful and equal relationship - but he wants you to keep him on the hook as he likes knowing you’re there when he wants.

Block him - he’s not a good man. If it escalates and he starts turning up in places you frequent, don’t hesitate to call the police.

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