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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that he's regretting the decision?

79 replies

Pixielemons · 02/11/2017 11:17

I have posted about this ex before, so sorry for keeping posting about it!

My ex broke up with me after a tumultuous 12 month relationship where his behaviour was very abusive (emotionally, and in the latter weeks turned physical - grabbing wrists etc).

In the days after we broke up he said he loved me, missed me etc., but that there was no way he could keep hurting me.

We're getting to the one month mark now and despite me being very sad in the first week, I feel like I'm getting over losing him and concentrating on the abusive side of the relationship (which was about 80%) so I don't really feel anything anymore. However, having tried to establish NC he's getting really quite sulky - I didn't speak to him for less than a day on text, and he text me saying "are we not speaking anymore?" and rang me three times. He is going through some problems with therapy and part of me feels like I do want to help him, but his behaviour and his need for constant contact is quite unnerving.

For background, he has said a number of alarming things during the breakup. He keeps painting me as someone who is utterly devastated and heartbroken by his decision Hmm to which I have told him it was sad that things didn't work out, that we weren't a good fit etc so it was a good decision. He has told me that he has "got what he wanted" with contact as he can enjoy me without the pressures of a relationship. Perhaps most disturbing is that he said that we have a "deep magnetism" that will never leave us, and that we keep being drawn back together and so cutting contact is near impossible.

He has said he has been looking for me in places that he thinks I am, and he has text me saying his new job makes him sad because last time he was with that company we were in a really happy place and that "he couldn't stop thinking about us". He text me from yesterday evening to early this morning. I kept responses quite short and boring but I don't feel like ignoring him is the answer because he just keeps contacting (have tried a week before and it was awful)

I do love him, but I don't understand why he keeps contacting as he cut it off ? I would consider in the future giving us a go again, but this would be months/years down the line when he has had the therapy that he needs.

AIBU to ask him what's going on?

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 02/11/2017 12:38

He absued you in the relationship and now he's abusing you out of it. Because he is an abusive shit - no deeper level of understanding required.

The way to deal with this is to go no contact and report him if he harrasses you.

You really need to get some help with this as your boundaries are WAY off. Consider giving it a go in the future?! Err no. He is awful, why on earth would you not want to move forward and away from someone like this?

Greyponcho · 02/11/2017 12:38

Pixel - you had a thread about this yesterday, did any of those comments help? We’ve already suggested that you keep screenshots of the messages and block him - cut him out if your life as you owe him nothing, his behaviour is manipulative and controlling

kootoo123 · 02/11/2017 12:45

Its quite clear whats going om. He is an abusive controlling bully and is continuing to do so.

I know it may be hard to hear but he does not love you. He may not be mentally capable of loving anyone.

Please stop all contact and be firm. I think you should also speak to the police and get some advice he wont take this lightly. This man is toxic and dangerous.

flyingpigsinclover · 02/11/2017 12:45

He's not your ex - the dynamics of your relationship have changed but you are still in a relationship with him. From what you have said you really need to cut all contact with him and move on with your life.

As for him getting therapy, he won't change.

bringbacksideburns · 02/11/2017 12:54

Go no contact. You or him nothing. He is still abusing you emotionally and you are letting him.
Don't tell him you are going no contact! Just do it. He doesn't need any explanations or dialogue.
There are plenty of great men out there. Stop wasting time on a loser. Better still, enjoy your own space.

gamerchick · 02/11/2017 12:55

You do know you can’t be friends with an ex 99% of the time without a really decent chunk of total NC don’t you?

Tell him to fuck off, block him everywhere you can think of and if he persists then ask a policeman to have a stern word.

Otherwise one would think you get something out of the attention he’s giving you whether it’s negative or not.

MyKingdomForBrie · 02/11/2017 13:02

He doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you.

He wants you dangling on a string after him until he finds someone he does want.

Do not be a mug for this twat.

Go NC and mean it because he is laughing at you for being so into him that you’ll put up with this shit when he has already rejected you.

movpov · 02/11/2017 13:03

This is stalking behaviour

specialsubject · 02/11/2017 13:07

I read a news article that started like this. It ended with a murdered female.

I hope he isn't that nuts, but he is clearly quite nuts. Do what all these people are telling you to do, block his calls and do not respond. If you think you are being physically stalked, contact the police.

well done on dumping this saddo. We need these people out of the gene pool.

Mittens1969 · 02/11/2017 13:09

Just block him, he’s still abusing you.

Laceup · 02/11/2017 13:10

Block and move on

Topseyt · 02/11/2017 13:19

Block him. Totally. He is an arse.

Sooooooooooooooooooooo · 02/11/2017 13:27

Block him! Cut all contact, you owe him nothing. Please think about why on earth you may be considering getting back with an abusive arsehole. He is manipulating you, this is all his behaviour is. It’s his way of controlling you now he can’t be with you. Open your eyes and cut contact. This is not love and you can do better.

JemimaLovesHamble · 02/11/2017 13:38

He's trying to control you. He'll feel he has a say in your life as long as you keep it going. Block him. Don't feed his obsessive behaviour.

sonjadog · 02/11/2017 13:46

Why would you want to have any kind of relationship with someone who is abuse towards you 80% of the time? Why would you help someone like that with their problems? He can get his support elsewhere, not from the person he is abusing...

Raisedbyguineapigs · 02/11/2017 16:49

Yes. Watch 24 hours to catch a killer. That poor girl left a 1 year relationship. He stalked her, came to her house for 'a hug goodbye' and killed her. It does happen all the time. To people who think it won't happen to them or that someone they love isn't capable of it.

TheDowagerCuntess · 02/11/2017 17:08

This is nothing more than an ego boost for him.

And you're handing that to him on a platter.

Come on, you know you need to completely block him.

Original poster
Pixielemons · 02/11/2017 19:52

Thank you for the advice everyone. I have contacted a counselling service and have blocked his number.

Thanks xx

OP posts:
Intercom · 02/11/2017 20:04

Well done OP, you’ve done the right thing!

luckyDuvet · 02/11/2017 20:08

Well done!

Ivehadtonamechangeforthis · 02/11/2017 20:09

Well Done! Stay strong you've done the right thing.

FlowerPot1234 · 02/11/2017 20:32

Pixielemons Wow, well done! That took some guts and strength, well done you. Keep strong and enjoy the taste of stress-free NC and your fresh new future.

Ginkypig · 03/11/2017 01:30

That's great to hear pixie.

Tatiannatomasina · 03/11/2017 02:04

My advice is cut and run but looks like you have already seen the light. Please stay strong, you need to look out for you, forget him, he's yesterdays news.

CrikeyPeg · 03/11/2017 02:12

Well done Pixie, stay strong.