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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that he's regretting the decision?

79 replies

Pixielemons · 02/11/2017 11:17

I have posted about this ex before, so sorry for keeping posting about it!

My ex broke up with me after a tumultuous 12 month relationship where his behaviour was very abusive (emotionally, and in the latter weeks turned physical - grabbing wrists etc).

In the days after we broke up he said he loved me, missed me etc., but that there was no way he could keep hurting me.

We're getting to the one month mark now and despite me being very sad in the first week, I feel like I'm getting over losing him and concentrating on the abusive side of the relationship (which was about 80%) so I don't really feel anything anymore. However, having tried to establish NC he's getting really quite sulky - I didn't speak to him for less than a day on text, and he text me saying "are we not speaking anymore?" and rang me three times. He is going through some problems with therapy and part of me feels like I do want to help him, but his behaviour and his need for constant contact is quite unnerving.

For background, he has said a number of alarming things during the breakup. He keeps painting me as someone who is utterly devastated and heartbroken by his decision Hmm to which I have told him it was sad that things didn't work out, that we weren't a good fit etc so it was a good decision. He has told me that he has "got what he wanted" with contact as he can enjoy me without the pressures of a relationship. Perhaps most disturbing is that he said that we have a "deep magnetism" that will never leave us, and that we keep being drawn back together and so cutting contact is near impossible.

He has said he has been looking for me in places that he thinks I am, and he has text me saying his new job makes him sad because last time he was with that company we were in a really happy place and that "he couldn't stop thinking about us". He text me from yesterday evening to early this morning. I kept responses quite short and boring but I don't feel like ignoring him is the answer because he just keeps contacting (have tried a week before and it was awful)

I do love him, but I don't understand why he keeps contacting as he cut it off ? I would consider in the future giving us a go again, but this would be months/years down the line when he has had the therapy that he needs.

AIBU to ask him what's going on?

OP posts:
Lindy2 · 02/11/2017 11:41

You will get sucked into a cycle of abuse and painful break ups.
Make a clean break now. Stop all contact and find someone nicer to start afresh in a healthy relationship.

Trailedanderror · 02/11/2017 11:42

Yikes. He's toying with you and still abusing you.

Block block block and move on before you're drawn back in.

Belleoftheball8 · 02/11/2017 11:43

You only been together a year and it was a hellish one at that why give him anymore head space?

luckyDuvet · 02/11/2017 11:44

You say you want to help him, but if he is a recent ex you are not the right person to help him. If he doesn't have anyone else to help him then there is probably good reason for this.

Even if he does change, he would be better starting afresh with someone new, as patterns of behaviour, once established become engrained. He would be more likely to regress into his old ways with you than with someone new.

FlowerPot1234 · 02/11/2017 11:45

You keep in contact daily with your abusive ex? Confused

He has said he has been looking for me in places that he thinks I am

I had an ex who wrote to me telling me that. It's called hedging your bets and keeping the ex that you dumped hopeful that you'll change your mind, and available should you want to return to her after your current fling/break doesn't go the way you want and you ask her to take you back. Which is exactly what he did a few months later.

I do love him, but I don't understand why he keeps contacting as he cut it off ?
Cake. He wants it and to eat it. As above.

AIBU to ask him what's going on?
I think you know, but the reality is it doesn't make any sense to you. Which is because he is playing with you.

Protect yourself and block him so you can have true NC and recover.

LagunaBubbles · 02/11/2017 11:46

I do love him, but I don't understand why he keeps contacting as he cut it off ?

Because he still enjoys emotionally abusing you.

Ginkypig · 02/11/2017 11:47

I mean this in a supportive way but you need to hear it.

He is still abusing you

He is still controlling

you are still moderating your behaviour so as not to cause him to kick off

Nothing has changed except he has toned down just enough so you think he's upset without you rather than he's keeping a hold over you.

The one example you used that didn't immediately go with what he expected/wanted (not replying quickly enough to txt/calls) showed him ramping up the inappropriate controlling behaviour.

His therapy is nothing to do with you. I hope it helps him but really you being anywhere near it (by being around him) means his reasons for doing it are skewed and it won't even be remotely helpful, infact it's become another tool to control you!

Skittlesandbeer · 02/11/2017 11:47

Another angle: what do you think will happen when you start seeing someone new? Your not-very-ex will likely go off his nut, that’s what. You’re giving him lots of info and ammo about your day by keeping him dangling, stuff he can use against you when he feels like it down the track.

One of the reasons to go properly NC (actually stop communicating, not some weird version where you do answer calls and texts but on a game-playing timetable) is so you can live a full life and the ex can’t track you.

Be brave and be SINGLE, so a new man has a real chance of catching your eye and your heart. Or do it so you can work on your own issues properly, and be a whole, honest and adult partner for the good guy one day.

FuckFaulkerILikeTheGruffalo · 02/11/2017 11:54

Why do you even want to know what's going on? Why do you love someone who treats you like shit?

I think the answer to those questions is that he has emotionally (and then physically) abused you so that your head is spun so bad you aren't reacting to him with disgust the way you should be.

PPs have suggested the Freedom Programme. That is such good advice. If you still give a fig about anything going on in this abusive creep's life, you will benefit from learning about healthy relationships and how they are different from bad men like him.

madnessintheroost · 02/11/2017 11:55

Block him completely. Its a bit like fishing - he uses contact as the line reeling you in then cuts you off sending you back out only to do it again. Why would you want to get back together with someone who has proven themselves abusive. Would you have children with this person and carry on the abuse? There are worthwhile partners out there who would never treat you this way

Ivehadtonamechangeforthis · 02/11/2017 11:55

I think his constant contact isn't allowing you to have enough distance to gain some perspective over the whole situation.

It was an emotionally abusive relationship for 80% of the 12 months you were together which was starting to edge into physical abuse. That in itself is enough for YOU to end the relationship and to cut ALL contact with him.

But you didn't. You accepted his behaviour. You accepted this controlling relationship.

By responding to his constant messaging you are continuing to allow him to exert control over you even though you are not together. The reason he has said you are devastated and heartbroken is because he wants you to feel that way, that would empower him and put him in control of your emotions which is what he wants.

Please don't consider getting back with him it would be a terrible mistake.

Send him one final message so he's clear on where you stand, something along the lines of "I can't continue with this constant messaging between us, we're no longer in a relationship and I think it's best we both move on and stop contacting each other, take care, bye". and ignore him from this point forward. Block him if you need to.

Intercom · 02/11/2017 11:57

Tell him there is no “we” and no magnetism on your part. Then cut contact and move on. You need to live your life and make decisions according how things are now, not on some imaginary and very unlikely scenario in 5 years time.

madnessintheroost · 02/11/2017 12:04

I have been with someone who was emotionally manipulative. He ended it and got with someone else then spent months messaging me then seeing me behind her back. I was so in love I thought the other person was the bad guy. Now I know I was not in love but in need of affection and being led along - sadly I only realised this when I was back in the relationship and saw this being done to the other person. Walk away

Jaxhog · 02/11/2017 12:07

Walk. Away. Fast.

AdoraBell · 02/11/2017 12:08

OP you haven’t lost him. You have got shot of the abusive arsehole.

Block him.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 02/11/2017 12:10

He doesn't like you being able to walk away, it's supposed to be him in control until he's had enough. He might have said he wanted to end it, but that doesn't mean he was happy for you to move on and get on with your life, you are supposed to be miserable and begging for him to take you back. If he can find someone 'better' (or just new) then he'll not do, but he needs it to be his decision, not yours.

Block his number, refuse all contact.

Oly5 · 02/11/2017 12:15

Do what bun bunny says. This is all good advice. He could stalk you and do you harm. You need to keep away from this man.

Send one last email and text telling him that you are cutting contact, he has been abusive to you and you no longer wish to be in contact with him in any way. And that if he contacts you again you will be reporting him to the police.

And then if he tries to contact you again, don't reply to him in any way, go directly to the police and report him - and let them deal with him.

Roomster101 · 02/11/2017 12:18

He may be regretting his decision or he may just like to think you are pinning for him to give himself an ego boost. Either way, who cares why he is doing what he is doing? The main thing is that you are much better without him so why on earth encourage him by replying to his texts etc. Just ignore/block.

BorisTrumpsHair · 02/11/2017 12:19

Block him - move on.
No good will come from this man.

AnyFucker · 02/11/2017 12:21

That looks like the least "broken up" relationship I have ever seen

nameusername · 02/11/2017 12:29

I kept responses quite short and boring but I don't feel like ignoring him is the answer because he just keeps contacting (have tried a week before and it was awful)

Why on earth do you not BLOCK his number or get a new number. With the way he's treated you, it's much better to be SINGLE. Less baggage and doesn't take up space in your brain. You're not that desperate are you? You know he's just playing with you right and you'd be a mug to think that he loves you when you're just his backup play thing.

KitKat1985 · 02/11/2017 12:32

His behaviour sounds like borderline stalking to me. Send a text saying something along the lines of 'I wish you all the best in your therapy but I think it's best we no longer have contact and would ask you respect that and understand that I won't be in contact again'. Then do not message / call / reply to him again under any circumstances. If he continues to make persistent contact go to the police and report it as harassment.

littlebird77 · 02/11/2017 12:33

He is playing you, stringing you a long, giving you deliberate mixed message and when you have fully recovered from this relationship you will wonder why you were ever with him in the first place.

Cut the contact, tell him your relationship is over and you no longer wish to see or him from him, tell your friends and family to be alert to the fact he seems to be finding it hard to let go and that he has been abusive and give yourself some time and space to learn how to put boundaries in place before embarking on another relationship.

Remember a restraining order can be put in place if doesn't stop contacting you. Good luck and jolly good riddance to a horrible relationship. You can move in time to something far better

Lottapianos · 02/11/2017 12:34

OP, I have been almost exactly where you are and it is NOT a fun place to be. And I promise you that things will get a lot worse. My ex was the same - absolutely blowing up my phone with constant texts and calls, showing up at my work, turning up on whatever bus I had just go on, appearing at my front door. He could not accept that I had made the decision to ditch his abusive arse. Your ex sounds every bit as unhinged as he was.

The only way to free myself was to change my number (which I resisted for ages because why should I have to change my behaviour when I had done nothing wrong etc) and eventually to move house. This is a dangerous man. Do not continue involving yourself in his game playing. You are absolutely not responsible for him in any way. One final message to say you do not want to hear from him ever again, and if you do, you will be contacting the police and then that is it. No more. Yes, it will be hard, but you are freeing yourself from an abusive scumbag who will seriously harm you if he is given the chance. Get on with your life. Find something else (friends, hobbies, holidays, NOT another man) to distract yourself.

And I very much agree with the suggestion to access the Freedom program, or some sort of therapy. If you don't , you will find yourself in the same position again with another scumbag because your boundaries are way off. That's not a criticism, I have been in your position as I said, but you need to start putting yourself first here.

pastabakewithcheese · 02/11/2017 12:37

What do you think he will do if you find someone else? He will become worse. Cut it off now