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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worrying about DS in London on his own?

119 replies

Sotuko · 01/11/2017 18:15

DS is 18 and has just started uni (in September). We live north east. He's made a few friends from down south who are studying here and has been out with them a few times.

On Sunday he came home and said he was going away for a few days - to London!!! I asked when he was going and he said "now". Within the hour he'd bought a train ticket and buggered off.

I asked him to text me when he got to Kings Cross. By my reckoning he would have got there around 11pm which is hardly a great time for some young kid who doesn't know London to be hanging around. I heard nothing so I text at 11.30 to ask if he was there yet and had he met his friends. He text back "yeah, my phone charger is broke so if you don't hear much from me, that's why".

I've not heard from him since.

AIBU to be worried sick?

OP posts:
Trills · 02/11/2017 08:00

He's going to university in his hometown, and still lives with you, is that right?

If he'd gone to university in another city he might have gone to London for a few days without telling you and you wouldn't even know.

Caulk · 02/11/2017 08:03

Does he know you’re this anxious about him being there? As an 18yr old that would have pissed me off no end.

MyOtherProfile · 02/11/2017 08:06

Yes if he had gone away to uni you'd have no idea what he was doing. Bit rubbish to not reply to your msgs though. Try calling him. What time do you leave? Call around 11 so you don't wake him up!

zeebeedee · 02/11/2017 08:09

I can see where you're coming from, My 18yo DS went to Wales and I got worried when he didn't reply to my text, even though I knew (with my sensible head on) there was likely to be no signal in a field in Wales!!

I do agree with PPs though, 99.9% he is absolutely fine and having a great time.

Can you ring him, now you've said you are due to be going away today, just to check if he will be home before you go?

CanIBuffalo · 02/11/2017 08:10

I'd be very unimpressed by his lack of contact over his change of plan. It's just plain rude.

Kochicoo · 02/11/2017 08:13

Yes, not very good if you're off on holiday and he knows this. I do think loads of people are like this at university but wont make you feel any better. I'm sure I once saw something where a teenager wasn't replying so the Mum messaged "we bought you a car" or something and funnily enough got a reply straight back. Maybe you could ask where he wants you to leave the emergency money for whilst you're on holiday!

Original poster
Sotuko · 02/11/2017 08:13

I know he could well be living away from home and then I wouldn't even know he'd gone - I get that but something doesn't add up here.

He came in on Sunday, said he was going to London and off he goes. Apparently the train ticket (unbooked) was £75 for open return (from Yorkshire). His best friend messaged me early hours of the morning asking if he was in London as he'd "checked in" to London on Facebook - none of his close friends knew anything about him going. The same day his girlfriend posted a picture on instagram from a Halloween party of her with another bloke. Coincidence?

He's not updated Facebook or instagram since (out of character) and nobody has heard from him (not just me).

He has form for being a bit of a liar, is he actually IN London?? He could be anywhere and still check in to London, it's easy to fake that on Facebook.

Something just doesn't seem right.

OP posts:
stonecircle · 02/11/2017 08:13

YANBU I have 3 adult sons and would be very unhappy with this behaviour. The fact that he’s in London is irrelevant and is a bit of a red herring. What is relevant is his lack of communication when he knows this will be upsetting you.

I have 3 adult sons, two of whom are currently away at university and none of them would behave like this.

I’d be particularly worried about -
How he could afford a walk on rail ticket
Why he is missing uni
Where he is staying

junebirthdaygirl · 02/11/2017 08:14

Its fairly typical 18 year old behaviour. But hard not to worry, l know. At that age l went travelling for months and sent my dm an odd postcard but now we instantly want to hear. There is nothing you can do. Im sure he will sail in the door starving very soon.
I get siblings to check online to see if they have been on as not on facebook but lm afraid this is par for the course from here on in.
Go over and read the post about dms treating their grown ups like babies to keep your mind distracted. Im sure he is fine.

00100001 · 02/11/2017 08:16

Text him and say you're calling the police as you're worried about him.

NerrSnerr · 02/11/2017 08:16

Maybe he’s got a new girlfriend in London? Or could he be feeling a bit suffocated and wants to show how much of an adult and how independent he is?

Original poster
Sotuko · 02/11/2017 08:16

Another thing was that he didn't seem to know where this friend lived. He first told me he lived in London city centre. I asked whereabouts and he said "near kings cross". He later mentioned Rochester. I said "that's nowhere near kings cross!" So he stumbled on his words and said he'd got mixed up. Then before he left he said it was North London he was staying! Makes no sense.

OP posts:
stonecircle · 02/11/2017 08:17

June - it certainly hasn’t been typical 18 year old behaviour for my 3 dcs. All of whom have very active social lives, travel a lot, went to/go to university, go clubbing etc

AnaWinter · 02/11/2017 08:18

Poor you op. I would be worried too.

stonecircle · 02/11/2017 08:19

OP - did he give any reason for missing university? Two of mine are at university at the moment and no way could they just swan off and miss lectures/labs at this point in the year.

Crumbs1 · 02/11/2017 08:21

I too would be unhappy with his behaviour. Not because London is a den of iniquity- although plenty of opportunities to get in a muddle, be enticed by drugs etc - but because he is rude and inconsiderate.
He’s lying about his phone charger.
When he’s back you need a conversation about adulthood and how greater freedom comes with greater responsibility. He might be an adult but he’s still dependent and needs to be more respectful.

Undercoverbanana · 02/11/2017 08:22

So when he goes away what is the normal arrangement for contact? Is this totally out of character? You say he has form as a liar - what motivates the lying? Why would he lie about this? I think it's difficult to advise if there is no understanding of what "rules" he grew up with regarding contact/going away etc. In my experience, they continue in adulthood the behaviour they accepted in childhood as they were growing in independence, but on an adult level.

As an aside, doesn't he have lectures/seminars/work to hand in? What about his job? Has he taken holiday or just not turning in?

Original poster
Sotuko · 02/11/2017 08:22

It's reading week this week, that's why these friends have gone home.

See I'm suspecting that the lack of Facebook updates could be down to the fact that Facebook automatically posts your location when you post. I'm wondering if he's even in London. I know he was applying for a passport but don't know if he's got it yet.

OP posts:
PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 02/11/2017 08:25

"Arrrrrrrrrgh.....there be dragons in London"

Motheroffourdragons · 02/11/2017 08:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on behalf of the poster.

NerrSnerr · 02/11/2017 08:25

Facebook doesn’t have to post location, that’s easily turned off. What do you think he’s up to OP? What’s your gut feeling?

Etymology23 · 02/11/2017 08:25

I think my parents would be very upset and worried if I had been living in their house and had gone away without saying when I'd be back at the very minimum, and updating when I am home.

Hope you get some word soon :)

pilates · 02/11/2017 08:26

Yes, I would be worried too. His story doesn't add up. Can you get hold of one of his friends just to check he is safe and ok?

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 02/11/2017 08:26

It’s probably reading week for those worried about him missing uni.

I went to Canada on my own during mine to stay with friends my parents had never met in a country they’d never been to. I didn’t have a mobile and there was no social media to let them know where I was.

MorrisZapp · 02/11/2017 08:27

Round here all the 18 year olds sack off to Magaluf for a fortnight after their exams and there's nothing their parents can do about it.

MUA HA HA HA HA