Did best friend sabotage my hen do?

[disneydatknee]

This has been bugging me for ages. My best friend organised my hen do about 6 months ago and hardly anyone turned up. I gave her a whole list of friends to invite and not a single one attended, just her and my female family members. After the hen do, I spoke with the women that had been invited and they all said the same thing, BF had given them no details of the hen do until about a week before it was due to happen. Despite me giving her all their contact details about a year in advance when we first discussed ideas of what I would like to do. So she didn’t give them a date, time, cost etc until last minute. All of these friends are mums.They need to organise childcare and don’t have money to burn. So unfortunately couldn’t go with such short notice. They were all very apologetic and seemed genuinely gutted they couldn’t make it. They did all attend the wedding. One friend mentioned how strange BF was about the whole thing in general.

Another thing that came up. BF organised a spa day for just the two of us during the day (hen was in the evening) and I was led to believe she had paid for this out of her own pocket and was extremely grateful. She did book a spa near her (I’m 40 miles away so I had to travel down for it) but wasn’t that bothered at the time. I now find out it was actually my SIL who paid for it all. A spa day she wasn’t even invited on! They were in contact during planning as main hen do was where I live and BF doesn’t know the area well. SIL was also left to pay remainder of the bill for all the friends who couldn’t make it. Why would she treat my SIL like that?! For context, SIL is a lone parent with 3 kids. BF has two incomes and no kids.

AIBU to think she deliberately sabotaged it? She didn’t have any friends at her own hen do besides me. I didn’t organise it by the way! Her sister did. I’ve always felt like she’s trying to compete with me and now have this horrible feeling that she did it on purpose. What do you think?

I would arrange a night out for the friends who couldn't make it. A post hen but without the cost and effort. Just a simple fun and happy evening and celebrate your friendship.

I wouldn't worry about your BF but wouldn't be quick to pin it all on her. I would simply mark her card and be very careful for a while until you know for sure if it was genuine mistake/screw up or something more unkind.

It was the hen, the wedding is always the main event and that sounds like a happy occasion so wouldn't worry too much

if somon said thy organisd it all and dont worry thn why would u chase up all the friends

and why are posters saying using bf as a scapegoat what- did thy all gt together and decide thy didnt want to go but made up a story that the bf didnt tell them anything-how ridiculous

Mummyoflittledragon I thought the same about Itsonkyme😂

Is your marriage ok? To be sulking over something that happened 6 months ago is a bit odd.

Belleoftheball
I’ve now been told to do one twice in 24hours. I don’t think I can contain myself

Oh god says more about her than you 😂 if anything she loses the disagreement by going on like that and comes across as a chavy vicky pollard 😂 Everyone is entitled to an opinion and I think the bf has been unfairly and solely blamed when many friends stood by and did nothing

I also think that your ex bf is being made a scapegoat.

I received a 'save the date' for a hen do about six months ago. It's in two weeks and I only received the final details yesterday. Why would I suddenly decide I can't go? I've known the date for ages and have been putting a bit aside to budget for it.

Your hen do was cocktail making and cocktails, not a week in the Bahamas!

I suspect your friends dropped out and scapegoated her when you called them on it.

Weird about the spa day, agreed.

Belleofballs
I really couldn't care less how I come across to you or your little grinning mate.
It doesn't surprise me one bit that you both have more empathy with the Ex Bf who messed up the OP hen night. Then try to blame it all on her other friends.

I’m not a fan of hen dos full stop. You’re supposed to have a great time with other friends of the Hen who you hardly know (if at all) and spend loads of money in the process in activities someone else has chosen.

But....it if I had wanted a hen do I would have organised it myself. I don’t understand wanting everything to be a surprise. Surely for your hen do you want to do something that YOU would choose to do? And it’s better to liaise with your own Friends re arrangements rather than to have a “PA” to do it for you.

OP, she was not your friend. I would go with the suggestion of a girls’ weekend with some of your closed friends or family.

Belle
I actually think the ex bf sounds as she is a perhaps bit of a bitch. For me, it’s hard to decipher whether or not she’s been scapegoated on the hen do. Definitely unreasonable behaviour on her part. But as I’m a civilised human, I’m able to have an intelligent discussion. Unlike Ms Pollard.

Forget the friend. Do something lovely for SiL. Enjoy your marriage. Cultivate some new friends.

I also agree she didn’t behave very well but then other friends could have pitched in to salvage the hen do especially as it was cocktail making and drinks instead of opting out.People do disagree it’s what makes us human but we are normally able to converse is an adult way and not resort to childish insults like some posters. 😂

You sanctimonious little prigs!

I’m bit puzzled as to why you hadn’t discussed it with any of your friends before hand? Or asked your BF for a list of who had confirmed

I thought this too. It's very peculiar that none of your friends talked to you and that you didn't talk to them. Surely there would have been some chat.

I also don't understand why your SIL would pay for the spa 🤷🏻‍♀️

Didn't you ask your other friends if they were coming to/looking forward to the hen do? They then would have said 'no, we don't know when it is, haven't been given any details'.

It does sound a little bit like the other friends used not knowing in time as a bit of a 'get out' to not go. If it was something they really wanted to go to, they would have spoken to you and said 'I really need a date, etc otherwise it'll be too late to arrange childcare'.

Sometimes if someone doesn’t give you details of things like that, you start to get paranoid that you have been uninvited or something. you would ask once what the details were and if none were forthcoming, I think most of us wouldn’t then push it.

YNBU that’s awful! Arrange something to celebrate near your anniversary without her to compensate 💐

Either highly disorganised or definitely didn’t want you to have a good time. Suspect the latter.

Why not get together with your friends whom couldn’t make it to the original hen do and do not invite you ‘bf’.... I would stay quiet about the whole thing beforehand just in case she tries to sabotage it. In future I wouldn’t want to be friends with anyone whom pulls tricks like that.

Why delegate inviting your own friends think you are partly responsible
Sorry

The OP did say that the hen do was supposed to be a surprise, so maybe the other friends wouldn’t necessarily think to ask her about what’s happening because the BF was organising it ‘as a surprise’.

Do all of your other friends know each other? If not, I’d find it unlikely and a massive coincidence that they’d all just conspire to make your friend the scapegoat. If they do know each other, there’s always that possibility however.

From what you’ve said about her, she sounds a bit shady anyway. My ex best mate of 10 years I cut off contact with a couple of years ago. It was hard but I realised she wasn’t the person I thought she was. I’d been making excuses for her behaviour for far too long until she did something that really opened my eyes. Sometimes we overlook the biggest flaws in our friends because they’re our friends. But it sounds like you’ve always known in your heart she wasn’t the greatest friend, otherwise you wouldn’t be on here questioning her motives.

The fact that she has disappeared since your wedding speaks volumes. I’m wondering if any of your other friends spoke to her about the hen do at your wedding and she got worried that you’d be pissed and opted to shy away from the situation rather than wait for you to confront her about it?

She sounds a terrible organiser and perhaps a control freak. Perhaps you should have organised it yourself. I am confused why your SIL paid for a spa she was not attending, esp if you is a single parent.

Just finished work so catching up

Belle - I appreciate that different friends act in different ways but in my circle of friends the hen does not arrange the hen night- it's the job of the chief BM/BF

Can you understand that some people do things differently to what you do? I have absolutely no sympathy for the ex-friend - she was in charge of organising the hen night and ripped off the SIL with the spa. - she waited until a week before to give anyone any definate plans - it was NOT other peoples 'job' to arrange it - and fair enough it's not how your or your family do it but my hen do's are secret to the hens - therefore asking anyone else attending the wedding wouldn't be an option.

Woah didn’t realise this thread was still going. No, friends don’t all know each other. So I don’t think they all conspired to ditch the hen do and pin it on ex bf. And who asked if the marriage is happy if I’m bringing this up now? Very happy thank you. Just doing some reflecting. It doesn’t really change anything. The wedding was lovely and I married a wonderful man so hen do wasn’t really that important. I was just interested to hear other people’s opinions. Thanks ladies.

The one "organising" it behaved terribly.

But I agree that those who didn't attend could have tried a bit harder, when faced with this lack of organisation.

The details are a surprise for you but the fact that it's happening is not.

If I wanted to attend, and needed to know, I would contact the bride to say "I know BF is organising but if she doesn't give some more details soon I might not be able to come, can you give her a nudge?".

I wouldn't just let it get to the point where it was too late to arrange childcare without saying anything at all.