Did best friend sabotage my hen do?

[disneydatknee]

This has been bugging me for ages. My best friend organised my hen do about 6 months ago and hardly anyone turned up. I gave her a whole list of friends to invite and not a single one attended, just her and my female family members. After the hen do, I spoke with the women that had been invited and they all said the same thing, BF had given them no details of the hen do until about a week before it was due to happen. Despite me giving her all their contact details about a year in advance when we first discussed ideas of what I would like to do. So she didn’t give them a date, time, cost etc until last minute. All of these friends are mums.They need to organise childcare and don’t have money to burn. So unfortunately couldn’t go with such short notice. They were all very apologetic and seemed genuinely gutted they couldn’t make it. They did all attend the wedding. One friend mentioned how strange BF was about the whole thing in general.

Another thing that came up. BF organised a spa day for just the two of us during the day (hen was in the evening) and I was led to believe she had paid for this out of her own pocket and was extremely grateful. She did book a spa near her (I’m 40 miles away so I had to travel down for it) but wasn’t that bothered at the time. I now find out it was actually my SIL who paid for it all. A spa day she wasn’t even invited on! They were in contact during planning as main hen do was where I live and BF doesn’t know the area well. SIL was also left to pay remainder of the bill for all the friends who couldn’t make it. Why would she treat my SIL like that?! For context, SIL is a lone parent with 3 kids. BF has two incomes and no kids.

AIBU to think she deliberately sabotaged it? She didn’t have any friends at her own hen do besides me. I didn’t organise it by the way! Her sister did. I’ve always felt like she’s trying to compete with me and now have this horrible feeling that she did it on purpose. What do you think?

A lot of people would love to join in on a hen do, then discover escalating costs and send messages of cancellations with apologies.
You now say you have fallen out with your former friend, has the revelations of your missing friends occurred since this? Are they using her as a scapegoat?

Personally I would move on and concentrate on your marriage and creating new memories with your husband and friends. I doubt the full truth from anyone will be forthcoming regarding events prior to the day.
And as an aside, please do not bring gifts into it. That comes a cross as petty. Congratulations on your wedding, remember it for all the lovely things it represented.

I would contact your sil. She sounds like a lovely woman. Far nicer than your former friend. I see no paranoia.

It sounds like she might have done, or was just really unorganised. I woumd try and pay your SIL back.

You are not being paranoid at all, as others have said contact SIL and offer to pay back. Lesson for the future might = 'if you want a job done properly do it yourself'.....? To put this in context my (very staid!) 'Hen do' was actually Sunday lunch at a restaurant organised by me .

Yes that is diabolical

Sounds like she’s a frienemy rather then a friend. Yanbu.

I think ops other friends are really getting off lightly here. When I had my hen do a group of the girls worked together it didn’t fall on one person. My other friend has her hen do and her bf was useless at trying to organise things no malice there but wasn’t that type of person and someone stepped in and organised things for my friend. Yet not one of ops other friends did this.

Those saying the wedding money thing is petty. You are right. It’s completely irrelevant and none of my business. It’s not like she turned up with nothing. Just got my back up a bit. But a stupid thing to even bring up.

But disney but if they had chased up the BM to no avail why on earth didn’t they ask you?

And why didn’t you check that invites/details etc had been issued?

I really do think that you have to bear some responsibility here. Although clearly she did let you down by being disorganised, it could have been avoided.

Of course she did it on purpose. I'd distance myself from her and not even tell her why.

After the hen do, I spoke with the women that had been invited

Was there something stopping you speaking to them before it?

don’t have money to burn

The had six months notice to save. Even if they didn't know the exact day, they knew it was in the pipeline.

They came to your wedding (expensive) , if money is as tight with them all perhaps they coukdn't afford to do both and now it's convenient to blame your friend.

It petty complaining about the presents. Where you a bit of a bridezilla?

she's thoughtless at best, a total fucking bitch at worst.

your sil, otoh, is gold. and i'd be paying her back even if it takes ages. thank god your family is wonderful and your friend is shit. you wouldn't want that the other way around!

so count your lucky stars, promise yourself that you'll never speak to twat friend again, and move on.

I’m still amazed at posters completely ignoring the fact that none of ops other friend stood back and did nothing

I did discuss with friends before hand. They had all been invited months before that and they all confirmed. But they were given no details until the week before which is why none of them could go. They said they all chased her up on it but to no avail.

To be fair, DP could have written this about a stag he went on in early October. Groom passed over details a year ago; people confirmed. No details or costs or locations were given; despite a lot of chasing, until the Wednesday of the week they were due to go - and that was a vague request for payment. On the Thursday, he sent an email with the details for the Saturday, and another request for payment. A lot of them dropped out because details came through too late.

I don’t think it was sabotage in that case; just poor planning and a severe lack of organisation.

In your case, it could be either. As you’re not friends anymore, I’d just let it go at this stage.

okay, so you know the thing about the wedding money is silly

but given all the unpleasantness around weddings and hen dos etc I'm wondering if she was actually annoyed at being asked to do it but couldn't face saying so

it is crap and she should have said "I don't want to do all this" but maybe she felt unable to say no, then ended up making very little effort?

I think one reason this type of hen do can end in such a mess is the Chinese Whispers aspect and really you have no idea what she was thinking. Also mystified by SIL paying - she could have pulled a fast one, I don't know.

I agree most scenarios don't show her up too well but I also wonder how the whole thing happened and if she felt pressured - by others, not you - to do stuff that she couldn't or didn't want to do or spend money on?

Think you're well rid of her. She sounds a right, jealous bitch.
Organize another "hen do" with your mates and forget her.

It will be a laugh!

I'd never let someone else solely arrange something so important. I don't understand why your other friends didn't contact you beforehand.
Just odd.

Weird none of your friends checked in with you when no details were sent, and weird you didn't check in with your friend that all was in hand.

But I'm sorry your special time was ruined, that sucks

I'd be asking her to stump up the money SIL lost.

She sounds a nasty bitch.

If your SIL is a mum with kids, why don't you organize a day out at a theme park and take the children with her, as money means nothing, but the treat with a 2nd adult will mean far more to her, as a way of you thanking her for being a nice person.

The fact that you're comparing wedding gifts makes you sound just as bad as she is. Competitive friendships never work out. Your story is proof of it!

Organize another "hen do" with your mates and forget her

Em...

Frenemy >>>> Remove from life!

Agree with Mumof56. Your other friends were aware of the hen do approaching.
They always involve parting with money and so they should have saved a bit aside each month with this in mind. The fact that they didn't would make me think they aren't true friends either. Your SIL sounds like a gem.

I will just accept it was all a bit of a shambles and that SIL is bloody amazing. It was meant to be a surprise which is why I stayed out of it but BF reassured me it was all fine so didn’t have anything to worry about until she told me everyone had pulled out. I thought it was the norm to stay out of your own hen do plans? Maybe I should have chased them all up on it then. Oh well. I still had a good time, luckily all my family are great company.