Did best friend sabotage my hen do?

[disneydatknee]

This has been bugging me for ages. My best friend organised my hen do about 6 months ago and hardly anyone turned up. I gave her a whole list of friends to invite and not a single one attended, just her and my female family members. After the hen do, I spoke with the women that had been invited and they all said the same thing, BF had given them no details of the hen do until about a week before it was due to happen. Despite me giving her all their contact details about a year in advance when we first discussed ideas of what I would like to do. So she didn’t give them a date, time, cost etc until last minute. All of these friends are mums.They need to organise childcare and don’t have money to burn. So unfortunately couldn’t go with such short notice. They were all very apologetic and seemed genuinely gutted they couldn’t make it. They did all attend the wedding. One friend mentioned how strange BF was about the whole thing in general.

Another thing that came up. BF organised a spa day for just the two of us during the day (hen was in the evening) and I was led to believe she had paid for this out of her own pocket and was extremely grateful. She did book a spa near her (I’m 40 miles away so I had to travel down for it) but wasn’t that bothered at the time. I now find out it was actually my SIL who paid for it all. A spa day she wasn’t even invited on! They were in contact during planning as main hen do was where I live and BF doesn’t know the area well. SIL was also left to pay remainder of the bill for all the friends who couldn’t make it. Why would she treat my SIL like that?! For context, SIL is a lone parent with 3 kids. BF has two incomes and no kids.

AIBU to think she deliberately sabotaged it? She didn’t have any friends at her own hen do besides me. I didn’t organise it by the way! Her sister did. I’ve always felt like she’s trying to compete with me and now have this horrible feeling that she did it on purpose. What do you think?

All your friends have some responsibility to her if there thought your bf was very forth comic with arrangement they should have asked her offered to help or spoken to you about their concerns. Instead they stood back and did nothing yet your BF is the bitch more like scapegoat. Any decent friends would have stepped in and tried to resolve the situation but they didn’t because they didn’t want to and are using her as a convient scapegoat.

It’s more the SIL thing that’s unsettled me. Not just the general planning.

Pre-hen do (spa)
main hen do
Wedding
Presents
Money is tight with them

Yeah but your putting all the blame on your BF when there was others who were accountable for the situation and did nothing. Why did you expect your BF to fund everything but when you found out it was SIL who paid were unhappy? Being the bride doesn’t mean you don’t incur costs on your hen do one activity maybe but it shouldn’t be expected especially when people are paying to attend.

On my hen do I paid my own travel hotel and drinks the only thing I didn’t was the surprise activity that i didn’t know about and gift bag and decorations. I would never expected my hens to obsorb my costs. They would bloody fantastic in making the effort to come.

...we did cocktail making and then stayed for drinks afterwards.

Cocktail making still costs to do the activity not to meantion you had the spa treatment, did you really expect your bf at the time to just pay it? When you thought she had your ok with it but when you found out it was your Sil you weren’t then you begrudge her spending her own money on a holiday and not give you a bigger gift.

Alright bell calm down. She never asked me for any money for the spa day. And I felt bad about it until I realised she didn’t even pay for it. On the day I offered to pay for dinner out (which she accepted) as I felt bad she had funded our spa day but she had not at all. And said nothing when I said this. SIL paid for her spa as well as mine. So she got a free spa day, in her hometown, which I, who doesn’t drive, had to travel down for.

I'm due in a completely disorganised hen soon invite and date went out ages ago nothing since chased bridesmaids multiple time nothing so have just said to the bride I know it's a surprise but we haven't heard anything about your hen and it's going to be to late for people to budget soon! She chased bridesmaids all sorted people have to take responsibility! It's not just on you ex best friend!

As for the spa thing your friend was wrong to tell you she did something she didn't! I would call SIL and explain what went on!

And I didn’t know about this holiday until about a month after the wedding. And I say she bragged because she invited us to a bbq, we travelled all the way down to see her and the only time she spoke to us was to brag about this holiday and then disappeared. That’s all she said to us and it felt really shitty. I don’t begrudge her spending money on a holiday at all but her financial situation is far better than ours. She knows £100 to us is a heck lot of money. It won’t make a lot of sense to someone not in my position but it’s a classic example of making me feel bad deliberately, she has form for it.

Do you think she & her partner shoukd cancel/ not have booked a holiday because you were having a hen do?

No not at all. As I said, this was after the wedding and they were not planning a holiday, it was a last minute booking.

I don't get why everyone's blaming the other friends. I'd expect a hen do to be organised either by the bride, the chief bridesmaid or both jointly, but I wouldn't expect I'd have to get involved in organising. And I wouldn't want to keep nagging them about arrangements - I'd assume they had lots to do, as I do myself. So I think this is on the former best friend. If she didn't want the responsibility, she should have said.

OP, I'd arrange a post-wedding weekend with your hens, with plenty of notice, and tell your SIL you'll be footing her bill for attending as a thank you for the spa day.

It's not blame or nagging, but personally I'd rather my friends gave me the heads up that if they didn't know soon before they got to the point the of dropping out!

Buttery! Thats what I suggested, a "hen-do" for her mates who missed the first one, because of her bitch of an ex Bf.
Note I said "hen do" in inverted commas.
But i got a from Mumof56, don't know why!

That is a nice idea. I will arrange an evening out and foot SIL bill too.

Yeah! That sounds great. I really would forget this ex frienemy!

And ignore the others on here who are trying to imply that your other friends are not your friends because they didn't chase-up your ex Bf for details. The responsibility was well and truly on her, who has time to bloody chase things up. If someone says I'll let you have the date/time, most people would just wait for it.
Also the present thing was "mean", thirty quid!?? Thirty fucking quid???
Tight bitch!
Then bragging about her cheap £600 holiday a month later at a bbq, and that is all she said to You all night.
You know she was being a bitch, I know she was being a bitch and anyone that thinks this friend is ok! Is a bitch as well!!!

Really can't fathom why the OP is getting any grief over this? Belle especially.

OP you are absolutely not in the wrong to be miffed at what happened - most Hen do's I've been at the hen has been totally in the dark and left to the Chief Bridesmaid to arrange. As for other friends responsibility to contact you - would totally defeat the object of your hen do - as in you didn't know what to expect.

Your 'friend' let you down - she should as a best friend pulled out all the stops to make sure you had a hen to remember.

As for your SIL paying for the spa day? Beyond vile what your ex-BF did and I don't care if she was short of cash or whatever reason - to lay it on SIL's door and take the 'glory' herself? You're so much better off without this kind of leech in your life.

Finally, in your situation I would book a spa weekend for me and SIL - she totally has your back and am sure you'll have a fab time xx

Because op is blaming one friend whilst other friends used her as a scape goat to not to attend. Any decent friend would not allowed that to happen. I think the bf is getting unfairly blamed when others could have stepped in and help but stepped back and did nothing

Belleoftheball8
Leave it now eh!
She know she's got one shit friend. Doesn't need you bleating on about all her friends probably being shit as well.

So Do One Now!

Belle the other friends were not the ones organising it. The best friend was supposed to organise it but didn’t give the other friends any details.
What were the other friends supposed to do take over and start organising it themselves? That’s not how it works is it?

You do have a lovely SIL and you should reimburse her, definitely. As you’re no longer friends with the ‘frenemy’ you’ll have to let it go, although it certainly does sound like she’s been guilty of sabotage.

Itsonkyme Why don’t you do one 👋.

Verystressedmum yes excately what you said if my friends hen do hadn’t be organised properly I would have 1. Contacted asked if they needed a hand with organising things and if I didn’t get any joy I would have spoken to the bride I would not have stood by and allow the hen to fall apart due to poor planning. Most people I know would have done the same.

Itsonkyme
You do like to tell people to do one for some strange reason. So crass.

Mummyoflittledragon
Do one in a very crass way!