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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? Football

89 replies

AMagdalena · 31/10/2017 19:37

So me and DH are first time parents.
DH is a football fanatic, goes to all home matches and only stopped going to away matches recently when it got too expensive.
I am finding it difficult looking after DD all day long by myself (still fairly unputdownable) and she hasn't been very well in the last few days. I have no family here to help out.

Here's what gets on my nerves.
DH insists on going to all home matches no matter what, even after work which means me and DD are home alone (we do go out, like) all day long and don't see him for nearly 2 days straight.
Don't get me wrong, I know he also needs a break now and then, but here we are on our own again and DH went out on Saturday.
It's not really about him having a break either. He's just obsessed.
AIBU in thinking that sometimes he could give football a miss so DD gets to see him and I get a little breather? Like 30mins in the bath? Is it too much to ask?
It feels like football always comes first. He even wanted to go to football 3 days after DD was born.

OP posts:

allegretto · 31/10/2017 19:42

But surely there aren't that many home matches? My dh has a season ticket and has always been to home matches - about once a fortnight. Why don't you see him for 2 days?

Gorgeous73 · 31/10/2017 19:44

I don't have advice but just wanted to say I love "unputdownable"

Sirzy · 31/10/2017 19:46

Football is once a week for half the year? Less for home games only. I don’t think that’s an unreasonable ask tbh.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 31/10/2017 19:47

I think you need to work together on this. If it's a weekend he watches football on a Saturday afternoon, then you get the morning to do what you want, or Sunday afternoon etc.

YouCantArgueWithStupid · 31/10/2017 19:52

My DH was like this before we had our DD. The team he supports is the other side of London and he would be gone all day at the weekend and not home until late if it was a week day. Aside from it being bloody expensive (season ticket, pub money, food, travel, a coach if it was an away match) he realised that he’d be losing a lot of “family time”. He now doesn’t have a season ticket and goes maybe 8 times a year?

Original poster

AMagdalena · 31/10/2017 19:54

The problem is there won't be a match for 2 weeks, then 3 in 7 or 8 days all of a sudden.
Fixtures this season are all over the place.

I don't see him for 2 days because he goes to work, match, gets home late and goes to work again early in the morning till quite late again.

I am not too impressed, really, because he knows how worried I have been about DD. And I literally have no family here if something did happen, God forbid. We already had a trip to A&E last week.

OP posts:

Ttbb · 31/10/2017 19:57

He sounds DS like a terrible person to raise a child with. I've not got any suggestions for you but you have my sympathy at least.

Original poster

AMagdalena · 31/10/2017 19:58

If he goes out on Saturday and I go out on Sunday, then we get no family time, so I just don't bother.
But that's not the point, while DD is tiny, she is more important than going out or shopping.

OP posts:

sayyouwill · 31/10/2017 20:00

I think you’re being unfair on him. How old is your baby?
I do understand why you feel the way you do, but I do also think it is unreasonable.
It’s not about having a break necessarily, it’s about not being a martyr to your children. He is retaining one thing he loved before he became a father and something he will probably share with the baby when they’re older.
If he is out approx once a week, why not on one of the other 6 days you take a long bath?
DH and I have a rule whereby I’ll have a lie in on a Saturday and he will on the Sunday. I get have a long bath on a Sunday evening and he goes out to rugby on a Saturday afternoon. We do things together as a family in between.

Mimsy123 · 31/10/2017 20:00

And I literally have no family here if something did happen, God forbid. Sorry, but you can't live your lives based on what might, possibly, at some point, happen. Time apart can be good for you. I'd suggest that you let him get on with it, and find yourself something to do too. That way, he can be left holding the baby whilst you also have a bit of breathing space.

Original poster

AMagdalena · 31/10/2017 20:06

Mimsy123 I was referring to a more specific situation. We were advised to go back to A&E if DD's symptoms become more serious and that was only yesterday.
She is 12 weeks old.

I don't mind if it's once a week.

OP posts:

RedSkyAtNight · 31/10/2017 20:08

well then - maybe that's a good compromise - you agree that he can go out to the football once a week but when the fixture list is such that there is more than 1 match in a week he has to choose which he goes to.

Allthebestnamesareused · 31/10/2017 20:10

YABU

However he should also look after DD on some occasions to allow you some time to yourself too. If you don't want alone time that is your choice.

It would be unhealthy and controlling to insist when he is not at work he has to be with you 24/7.

I have been a golf/football/rugby/cricket widow.

BackforGood · 31/10/2017 20:10

I don't think 1 afternoon a fortnight (yes, I know they move the fixtures around sometimes for the TV, but that is what it averages out at) is an unreasonable amount of time to spend relaxing at your hobby. You have said that he has already stopped going to the away matches.

Original poster

AMagdalena · 31/10/2017 20:12

I have suggested that many a time and every time he just had an endless moan about how spiteful I was!

I am beginning to think we will never agree on this.

OP posts:

toolonglurking · 31/10/2017 20:16

My DH works away a lot, when DS was 2 weeks old DH went away for 12 days. I have no family nearby, so was completely alone with a tiny baby.
I'm not saying that to one up you, there is no point to that, but to say that no matter how crazy things are, there is always someone worse off and working harder. I thought about it a lot at that time, I found out weirdly helpful.
I agree with the PP who suggested your DH go to 1 match a week, and can you have a standing arrangement that you go for a walk together every Sunday morning or something? Even that little bit of time together might kick-start a better Bond between you?

KathyBeale · 31/10/2017 20:32

I sympathise, OP. I am also married to a football fan. His team is about 50 Miles from us so for Home matches (my phone is capping up random words - no idea why!) he leaves about midday and gets back about 7.30pm. Our oldest goes with him now - they are both season ticket holders.

It is a drag and I agree about the midweek matches. I find by the end of the season I am longing for the football to be over and by August I’m ready for it to start again.

I do, however, suck it up. I knew what he was like when we got married. I also have a Dad and a brother who are the same. And I have a vague unsettling belief that if I ever asked him to choose between me and football I might not come out on top!

So no advice really. Just wanted to say that I understand.

ForalltheSaints · 31/10/2017 21:12

OP, who does he follow?

BluePancakes · 31/10/2017 21:14

How far away is he travelling? - as that can make a huge amount of difference.

My dad sounds like your OH. I grew up not really seeing my dad much, because he'd work long hours, and then be away at weekends (3-4hrs each way to a game, and as he went by coach, there'd be a good few hours pub-time before the match once the coach had arrived. It was an all-day event). As I grew older, I loved football too, so went to all home games for my team from the age of 10yo, as I had a season ticket.

At uni, I met my OH, and still went to all home games, but my OH supports a different team to me. I made the decision to put my family first, so once OH and I married, I stopped going to as many games, and once I had kids, I went to even fewer, as I now live 4+hrs from my team's ground. (Don't have my season ticket anymore, which is a story in itself).

My dad, still goes to all home games, and since he has retired, he now goes to all away games, and as many European Aways as possible too. He lives 3 hours from me, but we rarely see each other because he's "too busy" and despite my girls being very talented dancers (winning competitions at festivals etc) he has never seen them in a performance/show because the football season doesn't allow it.

Regarding your situation, I think you need to make a decision now. Either there is some compromise that you can come to, you accept that he'll never change and put up with it, or you accept he'll never change and act on it. Obviously, I don't know your OH so I don't know whether he would change or not, but having lived with someone who put football in front of their family, I knew when I started my own family, that it was not a compromise I was willing to make, so chose to put my family first. (Of course, my dad goes on and on about how I'm not a true fan, how I must hate football now, how he doesn't understand it etc. I do miss going to see live footie - it's brilliant - but spending a small fortune on coaches, season tickets, and food/drink when there, not to mention the time-cost of being away from my family for a whole day every weekend, it's not worth it, imo.)

RJnomore1 · 31/10/2017 21:16

I came on to say YABU as IMO most football related threads are but actually in this case YANBU.
In a few seasons he can take your dd with him but for now he does need to adapt his life a bit.

Is he by any chance a Celtic fan?

dementedma · 31/10/2017 21:19

My dh is obsessed. Totally obsessed. It has killed our marriage. Hope he's going to be happy when he only has them for company, but i've had enough.

Muddlingalongalone · 31/10/2017 21:24

I feel for you OP - this was one of the many things that made me resentful towards exh. He carried on as if life hadn't changed whilst having no appreciation for me at all.
Tbh sat/sun was ok apart from having to arrange weekends away around bloody spurs fixtures but weeknights where he left for work at 7:30am and was home around midnight were really tough in the early days.
My ex used to "ask me" if he could go in a way that made me unreasonable for saying no.
My only advice is have it out now, make it crystal clear what the impact is on you. It really wouldn't kill him to miss a few while dd is so tiny. Total projection here but Don't let the resentment build - coming back is so difficult

pigeondujour · 31/10/2017 21:28

I love football, and think a lifelong love of a team is an amazing thing, but I strongly suspect your husband wouldn't be okay with you having the same amount of time out the house/level of obstruction/him having to do that much solo parenting. If that is the case, fuck him and his season ticket.

MumW · 31/10/2017 21:32

As a football widow myself, I feel your pain.

For those not in the know, football seems to dominate a lot more than half a year. Season is August to May then there seems to be international games (and friendlies) in the intervening months. The thing that bugs me most is that no sooner have the schools broken up but the new season starts making it feel like winter is on the way before summer has started. If you're lucky you can squeeze your summer holiday in between.

Lethaldrizzle · 31/10/2017 21:38

Football fans are completely obsessive. Its like some weird cult. You have my sympathy.

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