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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? Football

89 replies

AMagdalena · 31/10/2017 19:37

So me and DH are first time parents.
DH is a football fanatic, goes to all home matches and only stopped going to away matches recently when it got too expensive.
I am finding it difficult looking after DD all day long by myself (still fairly unputdownable) and she hasn't been very well in the last few days. I have no family here to help out.

Here's what gets on my nerves.
DH insists on going to all home matches no matter what, even after work which means me and DD are home alone (we do go out, like) all day long and don't see him for nearly 2 days straight.
Don't get me wrong, I know he also needs a break now and then, but here we are on our own again and DH went out on Saturday.
It's not really about him having a break either. He's just obsessed.
AIBU in thinking that sometimes he could give football a miss so DD gets to see him and I get a little breather? Like 30mins in the bath? Is it too much to ask?
It feels like football always comes first. He even wanted to go to football 3 days after DD was born.

OP posts:

Lethaldrizzle · 01/11/2017 09:26

A hobby is one thing but football is just so obsessive and time consuming - having to watch every game either in real life or on tv. It just takes up so much time. The family often comes second and what for? a group of random blokes running around on a pitch - a team that dh has been indoctrinated to like from a very young age - it's tribal and obsessive.

Creambun2 · 01/11/2017 09:30

The people saying they take their young kids to matches are you happy about the constant swearing and crude "banter" with opposing fans?

SheGotOffThePlane · 01/11/2017 09:32

Was it a Champions League game last night OP? If it was then I don't think he is unreasonable to want to go, but I do understand that he would have to leave for 6 and not be back until after 11. However there should be some compromise, and if that's not going to a home game or a rescheduled midweek fixture that's fine. But I wouldn't expect him to miss a European night.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 01/11/2017 09:46

Football/rugby/sport obsession is an absolute deal breaker for me. There’s no point in being in a relationship with somebody who prioritises all of their spare time around the antics of a sporting team. Been there and done that.

If football is more important that his family I would leave. I know that sounds harsh, but he’s not changed and doesn’t sound like he will. As your daughter grows he will still go to every home game, he will still be doing the amateur league stuff with his dad, he will still be checking out of family life because you’re there to parent. You will end up doing all the homework/after school clubs/weekend commitments and that will breed resentment on a massive scale.

doodle01 · 01/11/2017 09:58

Dont have any boys if they do football and / or rugby that will be 3 nights a week at least TRAINING and both Sat and Sunday fixtures in my case and thats half days at least.

IF DD takes up a sport or interest that will be full time job too.

Have 2 sporty kids and thats it.

Its part of life. He likes football. You should get a hobby that requires you going out some times so he can share the CC instead of worrying about it. Sounds like he spends considerable time working football is small amount of time compared to this.

Everanewbie · 01/11/2017 12:51

Hi OP. I sympathise. Is there any way you both can compromise on the additional bits, i.e. pub before and after etc? I don't think an average of once a fortnight is particularly BU, but maybe if it is was a 3 hour activity rather than the game sandwiched by the pub?

speakout · 01/11/2017 13:36

Football/rugby/sport obsession is an absolute deal breaker for me.

Same here.

I have had football mad boyfriends in the past and hated they way they were so obsessed with the game.
We are a football free family. Don't even know when big matches are on.
Zero interest.

araiwa · 01/11/2017 13:59

Growing up my mum and dad both had time to themselves for regular activities, sports, hobbies. But if one was out, the other was home.

I can never understand those who give up their entire lives as soon as a baby arrives. Op needs to get out more

Zeelove · 01/11/2017 14:06

Don't keep him from football. Imagine if this was a man saying his wife should stop the gym.... or a jogging group.... or girly take away nights.

I take my son to football matches. His dad isn't interested in football at all unless our son is playing.
There is never 'constant' swearing or crudeness when I go. Maybe the odd swear word but nothing he hasn't heard elsewhere! (I find the language on this page much more 'laddish' and aggressive but there we go) ...

Lethaldrizzle · 01/11/2017 14:10

Zeelove it's different to all this things you mentioned though in that it is alot more frequent and alot more time consuming. A gym session does not normally take most of the day

JacquesHammer · 01/11/2017 14:12

YANBU.

Ex- H is a massive football fan (as was I, we used to go together)

Once we had DD we compromised on him attending Saturday matches but not midweek ones. It worked really well for us.

Obviously there was special dispensations for Wembley trips

Zeelove · 01/11/2017 14:13

Once every two weeks approx. For a whole afternoon evening? You'd honestly have a problem with that......?

Zeelove · 01/11/2017 14:14

Most people go to the gym three nights a week for an hour or two. That to me would be far more annoying as a partner. Still wouldn't stop them going though.

Sparks46th · 01/11/2017 14:15

YANBU, but then I find football obsessives a bit weird and immature. I can enjoy football, but I see people say that football team X is their life, and I think "really?". I know each to their own, but it is something I can't get my head around. I'm not talking about football fans per se, but the real obsessives.

speakout · 01/11/2017 14:23

And I think there are a lot of obsessives.

Football for some is like a religion- the hallowed turf and all.

Unfortunately in some parts of the UK is very tied up with religion.

And that can become very ugly.

VeraGrant · 01/11/2017 14:27

Completely agree with Sparks above. Sports obsession would have been a deal breaker for me too, and I thank God that DS detests football too.

My brother is football obsessed and he just seems like such a man child (especially when he puts the team shirt on just to watch a match at home...) He will never compromise for family events - and girlfriends have to ‘fit in or fuck off’ as he puts it.

It’s just so incredibly selfish. Surely at some point an adult should grow up and prioritise family time, especially after having kids? Watching the odd match is one thing, but not being able to ever miss one? Mad.

And it is very gendered, on the whole. Some women do like football but I would guess it is incredibly rare for a woman to leave her family week in week out to attend games while her husband is at home with the kids.

LittleLionMansMummy · 01/11/2017 14:29

Hmmm. Dh supports a team but his hobby passion is cycling. Dd is 11 months and dh has continued to go out training ahead of big rides since she was little. The trade off has always been that I get time to do what I enjoy and we make time for doing things as a family too. It's not impossible. It's perfectly doable for you to do something Saturday morning, him to go to football Saturday afternoon and both of you tons something with your dd on a Sunday. I suppose my question is, does your dh pull his weight when he's there and do you get time to yourself?

araiwa · 01/11/2017 15:10

Unfortunately in some parts of the UK is very tied up with religion.

lets not beat around the bush. one place. Glasgow

Swizzlesticks23 · 01/11/2017 15:51

No idea what team he supports for there to be so many matches. It's like two a week.

Then usually a rest on international break.

I think yanbu sorry. You knew he liked football and went to games prior to baby surely ?

Sorry about your D.C. Hope all is well soon x

Rachie1973 · 01/11/2017 16:59

Creambun2 The people saying they take their young kids to matches are you happy about the constant swearing and crude "banter" with opposing fans?

Most grounds have a family stand. Its usually situated as far as possible away from opposing fans.

pigeondujour · 01/11/2017 17:08

lets not beat around the bush. one place. Glasgow

Erm, I can definitely think of more than one place...

TalkinBoutWhat · 01/11/2017 17:14

You knew this about him before you had got married and had children. You knew what his father was like. What on earth made you think that he would change for you? Why should he change for you?

Suck it up for awhile, and then when your DD is old enough, insist that he buys a season ticket for her too so that he can take her along to matches that are at convenient times. Then go and do whatever you fancy in that time.

Original poster

AMagdalena · 01/11/2017 18:29

Wow, didn't expect so many replies.

I am not saying to him 'don't ever go to football again'. Once a week is absolutely fine, but a full day with DD, then doing night feeds takes its toll on me and is especially draining when she's poorly. She'll only nap when held, but I expect this to get better at some stage, then we'll both regain some of our independence.
I suppose I might have to be firm and work out some kind of agreement so that we get family time and he can bond with DD.

Advice to dump my DH...a bit extreme?

And that I need to get out more? Well, I'd like to enjoy the time I have with DD on maternity leave as family because I expect this to become trickier when I am back at work. My hobbies can wait a little while.

OP posts:

ForalltheSaints · 01/11/2017 18:40

I know a number of men who were season ticket holders until they became parents- we used to go to some away games together, as I moved to London about fifteen years ago and we would meet up for the game and a drink afterwards. All of them stopped going to every game when their children came along (all five of them had daughters as their first child!), and only attend the odd game.

Saturday games or only one a week is reasonable in my view. That said, I only ever went to at most ten a season when I lived locally, so it is not as important to me as the OPs DH.

Fruitcorner123 · 01/11/2017 18:40

Football/rugby/sport obsession is an absolute deal breaker for me.

I am the same. I grew up with a brother and dad who were obsessed and I knew i could never live in a house with someone like that again.But that doesnt help you OP!! - sorry.

I do think YANBU though as it isn't just the fact he goes out it's the fact that the football calendar dictates your whole life and you and DD aren't coming first and those people who say its once a fortnight for a few hours obviously don't know about
Midweek games.

It will also cause you problems in the future when you want to be out with your friends and your social life will have to fit around the football calendar because he will need to be in to babysit. You will have to agree that literally every saturday there is no game is yours to see your friends & family if you want to. I would set some very clear rules together on this now if i were you.

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