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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Football

89 replies

AMagdalena · 31/10/2017 19:37

So me and DH are first time parents.
DH is a football fanatic, goes to all home matches and only stopped going to away matches recently when it got too expensive.
I am finding it difficult looking after DD all day long by myself (still fairly unputdownable) and she hasn't been very well in the last few days. I have no family here to help out.

Here's what gets on my nerves.
DH insists on going to all home matches no matter what, even after work which means me and DD are home alone (we do go out, like) all day long and don't see him for nearly 2 days straight.
Don't get me wrong, I know he also needs a break now and then, but here we are on our own again and DH went out on Saturday.
It's not really about him having a break either. He's just obsessed.
AIBU in thinking that sometimes he could give football a miss so DD gets to see him and I get a little breather? Like 30mins in the bath? Is it too much to ask?
It feels like football always comes first. He even wanted to go to football 3 days after DD was born.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 31/10/2017 21:41

I love football. If it was at all possible for me to go to every home game; I would. It’s only half the year and averages out at once a week; although admittedly schedules get messed around by other fixtures.

If this is a deal breaker for you, does he know that? Was it a deal breaker before you had DD?

If he’s not receptive to not going, is there a possible compromise that would work for you? He has DD exclusively for the night after football so you can have a bath and a sleep? You spend the weekend day without a game doing a family activity?

overnightangel · 31/10/2017 21:49

“Football fans are completely obsessive. Its like some weird cult. ”
Had to laugh at this nonsense. Talk about buying into media driven stereotypes.
OPsounds like you husband works hard I don’t see any problem with having 3 hours every other week to go to matches. You said yourself game days and times change for tv so you won’t always go 3 days without seeing him you can’t have it both ways

Lethaldrizzle · 31/10/2017 21:54

Overnight - That's what I live with. I know exactly what I'm talking about. It's obsessive.

ZanyMobster · 31/10/2017 22:04

I think YABU. Like others have said there are less than 1 game per fortnight on average. It's not like it's something that he has just started doing. It is a few hours one afternoon and is for want of a better word, his hobby. There is nothing in your OP to suggest he is being unfair or a bad father. If he is not pulling his weight when he is at home then this is a totally different issue.

My DH went to a very big match 3 days after my c-section, I had no problem with that, I was just gutted I couldn't go, only issue was that all my family went too so I was home alone with a toddler and newborn after a section. I had loads of friends pop round all day to help and it was fine. He would have missed it if there was no way round it but it was a massive deal and I wouldn't have wanted him to miss it. He is a great dad and very hands on so I have no complaints.

Surely he should be bathing your DD when he is around to give you a break?

TheNaze73 · 31/10/2017 22:05

YABU

Original poster
AMagdalena · 31/10/2017 22:07

The problem is it's never 3 hrs. Add 2hrs on each end.

And it is obsessive. DH's father hasn't mised a game in 20-odd years.
On top of going to the match, DH helps his father manage an amateur football league, so he does bits for that on Saturdays and Sundays.
It has made hate football to the point that I just switch off if anybody says the word. Can't help it.

Also, it's not as simple as DH looking after DD at night. She's EBF, so not an option and he really needs more time to get to know her needs.
I thougt I had made it quite clear to him way before we had DD that family should come first.
I have a hobby I am quite passionate about, but I don't whinge about not being able to do it at the moment. This is the time to bond with DD and she needs me more than my hobbies do.
I don't feel I am a martyr to my child and I don't think my DH should even if he misses a game.

OP posts:
speakout · 31/10/2017 22:08

I dislike football and all the goes with it.
The laddish, mobbish, drinking , violence, sectarianism.

One of the attractive features I found in my OH was a total lack of interest in sport.
Perfect.

Creambun2 · 31/10/2017 22:16

I dislike football and all the goes with it.
The laddish, mobbish, drinking , violence, sectarianism

This.

ZanyMobster · 31/10/2017 22:20

Then the 2hrs on each end is totally different, my DH (and now the kids) leave at 230 and are home by 515. When he used to go to the pub to have a drink first he would leave at 1230/1ish and was back at 515, he stopped the going to the pub once the kids got older as they have various sports they both need to get to so quite often we both need to be around for that. I would be unhappy if he couldn't miss the pub for that but a decent dad/husband wouldn't think twice about it TBH.

It's sounding like your dislike for football is clouding things slightly, I may be wrong. You need to talk to him about the additional 4 hours he is out for, surely that's not ok if you're struggling.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 31/10/2017 22:32

I never get this, he was a football fan when you met him and still was when you decided to get pregnant. He shouldn't have to ditch that because you want him too.

I've seen too many give up hobbies and friends to suit a partner and then are left with nothing when the relationship goes south or the children leave home.

Shamoo · 31/10/2017 22:44

If football is his passion, you need to find a way between you that it can be ok for both of you. He has already stopped going to away games. As a season ticket holder at a different club to your OH, my suggestion would be that you agree that whatever home games are included in his ST he can go to, and the rest only if it is a semi-final or final. For me, that would be mean between 19 and 25 games a season, which is less than once a fortnight on average and therefore perfectly reasonable (as long as you get similar time out in return). As a football obsessive, I would be ok with that. No wasted money/tickets, but all the key matches.

RJnomore1 · 31/10/2017 22:56

Ah but the thing is for a lot of clubs you won't get tickets for semi finals or finals unles you go to the earlier rounds of cups.

I do think though he needs to adapt for a few years as I said while his daughter is tiny. His time isn't his own any more in the same way. Before he knows it he will have her hoisted on his shoulders in her scarf singing with him though.

I see the generalist football hates have turned out for the thread 😬

BusyBeez99 · 31/10/2017 23:13

YABU. I am a season ticket holder and would be livid if my DH tried to curtail attendance at matches. Just because you have a child doesn’t mean all of a sudden you have to spend every leisure minute together.

In a few years he can take the child with him and think of all that free me-time you will have

However if he’s a Man U or Chelsea supporter then HE is BU 😂

BonnieF · 31/10/2017 23:16

Football stadiums are full of men taking what they consider to be much-needed and well-earned breaks from 'family time'.

BusyBeez99 · 31/10/2017 23:17

Lots of women at our matches. That’s a bit of a stereotypical comment!

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 31/10/2017 23:35

I think yabu.

I just can't understand people who want to stop their partners passions once they've had a baby. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

No wonder so much resentment builds up. And I'm not talking about your resentment OP

Shamoo · 31/10/2017 23:45

RJnomore1 - depends totally on the club, the ST terms, the number of loyalty points he already has etc. Would take a few seasons before it became an issue at my club.

Butterymuffin · 31/10/2017 23:56

What is it he says is you being 'spiteful' OP?

I don't think you're BU. A few replies have said he shouldn't have to give up his hobby - ignoring the fact OP has given up hers. Or is it still different for men?

Rachie1973 · 01/11/2017 00:09

Erm I have a season ticket...... along with 1000s of other women. So slightly off side there BonnieF. It IS family time as our kids also come with us. Sometimes we go for lunch before, sometimes dinner after. We spend the time together.

As for thuggish..... lol. I'm more likely to give directions to someone with another shirt than abuse them. The vast majority of football supporters are anti violence. We don't condone any type of aggressive behaviour toward visiting fans. We observe their silences when called for, we applaud the attending numbers when they're announced. We chat with rival fans on trains, and we enjoy football gossip online.

Sadly the minority give the rest of us a bad name.

allegretto · 01/11/2017 07:38

I dislike football and all the goes with it.
The laddish, mobbish, drinking , violence, sectarianism.

What a generalisation! My dh doesn't drink, isn't violent and takes our 13 and 6 year old with him. It's a lovely day out for them all.

OP it sounds like there are more problems than just attending the matches - maybe you could come to some sort of compromise that he doesn't do the other football related stuff? Personally I have never had a problem with it even when I had two newborns to look after - although admittedly we do live so close to the stadium that I can hear when a goal is scored!

speakout · 01/11/2017 07:46

I wouldn't take a young kids to a football match.

I have = out of curiosity gone to see some big games in my life- Old Trafford and Liverpool.

The language of the crowd was beyond foul.

CPtart · 01/11/2017 07:52

You should both have a similar amount of child free leisure time. If he chooses football and you choose to forego yours to 'bond' then that's up to you.
I would get your DD used to taking bm from a bottle pretty quick (I did this at 10 days) so you don't end up with a bottle refuser and your DH an excuse not to be left with her. I would also resume your hobby to set a precedent.
You knew he was obsessive about football before you had a child with him. Maybe expectations on either side weren't made clear.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 01/11/2017 08:02

I thougt I had made it quite clear to him way before we had DD that family should come first.

Did you talk to him about that and he agree; or did you tell him?

To be honest, you hate football, he loves it. You wish he wouldn’t go, he won’t miss a game. I’m surprised this wasn’t an issue before children; and I’m even more surprised that nobody thought it’d be an issue afterwards.

For what it’s worth; it’d accept the home games but ask him to give up the little league stuff in return.

Princessdebthe1st · 01/11/2017 08:04

Dear OP,
YANBU at all. For those of you saying 'You knew he was into football before you had a child, why should he stop doing his much loved hobby (obsession)?' When you have a child your life changes and you have to prioritise different things. Essentially the OP's DH is saying that football is more important than family time and supporting his DW with the new baby. The OP is not saying he shouldn't go at all just that he shouldn't go to every game. And for those of you saying it's only once a fortnight for 6 months of the year, hah! Pre-season friendlies start early August (sometimes even late July) and the season runs until May. And when you factor in the FA cup, league cup and any European fixtures if your club is in the top division then it is a lot more than once a fortnight. But the actual details don't matter what the OP's DH is actually saying is that he is prioritising this over his new baby, is that OK?

sayyouwill · 01/11/2017 09:00

Just because OP has wilfully given up her hobby, why does her H have to give up his? She made that choice. If she was physically unable to continue with hers then again, that still isn’t her H’s fault.
It’s one match every so often, and he’s not bonding or getting to know his child? Unless he spends every other day/evening ignoring his family, he has plenty of opportunities for family time.
OP you’re focusing on the negative space. You only see what he isn’t doing and when he isn’t around rather than valuing the time when he is.
I presume he is working so you don’t have to at the moment? I’m assuming your baby is very new and you’re on mat leave. His entire world has changed as well and he still needs to earn the money to support you both, he has some time with his hobby every so often and you are acting as if he is sat in a strip club every night.
Has he actively banned you from having any time to yourself/focussing in your hobby? If so, you have different issues.