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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that if you can’t afford to pay maintenance...

113 replies

WhoWants2Know · 31/10/2017 18:51

Then you can’t afford to take the kids abroad on holiday?

In brief, the amount of maintenance ExH pays is around half of the CMS minimum recommended amount. Because he is servicing debts, he feels it’s all he can afford, and complains of being skint.

He’s asked if he can take the girls on holiday somewhere warm and sunny during spring half term.

My initial response was that while I would hate being apart from my kids, I understand that it’s not a good reason to object.

But after thinking about it, AIBU to think that it’s a really cheeky thing to ask? How is it ok to skimp on maintenance and then spend money on a holiday for himself and the kids?

I do struggle financially and the money he doesn’t pay is missed.

But if I say no, I’ll be standing in the way of the experience for them. No idea what to say.

OP posts:
KarateKitten · 02/11/2017 09:23

I also agree. Proper levels of maintenance must be in place before he splashes out on luxuries.

I'd tell him that he's clearly taking the piss and get CMS involved immediately. And also tell him you won't get in the way of his holidays with the kids as long as he's paying the minimum maintenance you are entitled to (for his children).

donquixotedelamancha · 02/11/2017 09:26

"I know I should go through CMS. I just haven’t been able to force myself to, because I loved him once and I feel guilty for taking his money."

You aren't taking his money. It's your kid's money. It is the absolute bare minimum he can do for his children. Do the right fucking thing for your kids and if you don't need that money stick it in a bank account for their future.

"I emailed him to give him a chance to sort things out before going via CMS. I tried to keep it factual and told him how much the CMS calculator says he should be paying."

Well done OP. Insisting on a basic level of respect for yourself is part of being a good role model to your children. Follow through on it when he doesn't pay and stop making excuses for this loser.

AnathemaPulsifer · 02/11/2017 09:37

It's not a question of whether he thinks he can afford it, though. He doesn't get to decide. Proper maintenance is obligatory and then he can make his decisions about holidays with what he has left.

seven201 · 02/11/2017 18:02

Do not let him get away with this. If he doesn’t voluntarily start paying the cms minimum amount then do it formally through the cms. You could be taking him on that holiday if he back paid you what he owes!

donners312 · 02/11/2017 20:51

And anyway paying CMS calculation is not a proper or fair contribution to bringing the kids up or "proper amount as PP have said - it is a MINIMUM amount (a deadbeat dad charter).

Are you only contributing 16% of your salary to bringing the DC up?

Nquartz · 02/11/2017 21:01

Did he reply to your email?

Original poster
WhoWants2Know · 19/01/2018 00:48

Update

Nope, he didn't reply to the email. I know he saw it, because I had to email him about a separate issue and prompted him to check his email.

I then asked him directly about it and he said he was remortgaging and would try to increase the amount he paid. So (stupid me) I gave him time to do that.

Tonight he brought up going on holiday over half term, in front of the kids. Despite my email, he had already booked the week off. I said I felt it was inappropriate, and he said I wasn't making sense and was depriving my kids.

So I elaborated, since he had yet to ever make a single payment of the LEGAL MINIMUM amount of maintenance, (never mind 14K worth of past unpaid maintenance) that he really can't afford to go abroad on holiday during peak time.

His response: "Haven't you heard of credit cards?"

I asked if that was the lesson he really wanted to teach his kids, and he stomped out.

He'll probably paint it as me denying access, but the problem isn't really him having the kids for a week. (The longest he's ever had them is once for 3 nights, and even then I have to pack clothes because he doesn't buy any to keep at his house) The issue is A) his planning to do it abroad when he's never had them for so long, and that it would leave me scrambling to buy and organise clothes and toiletries, luggage, etc. And B) that financially it takes the piss.

If he wants them for a week, let him sit at home with them round the clock and try to find ways to occupy them with no bloody money like I have to do.

£14K in arrears and he has the nerve to say I'm depriving them? Angry

OP posts:
Weezol · 19/01/2018 01:09

Are you now going to go to CMS?

The man is a joke.

orangeisafruitandcolour · 19/01/2018 01:33

So not only are you / your kids paying for the holiday with the missed maintenance, and probably going without things that your kids really NEED as a result, you are going to pay for new clothes, sun protection etc. What about passports they are not cheap?
You know that he’s going to run up a debt on a credit card and use that as an excuse to pay even less in the future.
Don’t discus it with him anymore go straight to CMS. He is stealing food from your kids mouths you need to get angry.

nocoolnamesleft · 19/01/2018 01:53

For fuck's sake, go via CMS. He is totally taking the piss.

Vicxy · 19/01/2018 02:05

I would be getting him to pay the amount he should be paying tbh and not worrying about

I’ll be standing in the way of the experience for them.

As..when he is paying what he should be paying, you may be able to afford to take them somewhere.

Like fuck would I be happy with him playing disney dad while I struggled when its clearly an option for me to be struggling less.

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/01/2018 02:23

Well you gave him a chance and he blew it.

Get onto CMS first thing.

Vicxy · 19/01/2018 02:25

*Tonight he brought up going on holiday over half term, in front of the kids. Despite my email, he had already booked the week off. I said I felt it was inappropriate, and he said I wasn't making sense and was depriving my kids.

What an utter cunt. This is so obvious I shouldn't realy say it but he clearly did that to try and pressure you into doing what he wants.

You gave him a chance. He has made clear how little he thinks of your choice (and you, tbh) here. Go via CMS.

Please do not let him manipulate you into doing what he wants. And please make sure your children get what they are entitled to here.

Andrewofgg · 19/01/2018 06:47

The amount they recommend is the minimum that they recommend based on what he earns. Any normal morally honest dad would pay additional on top.

I will never say a word against NRP's who don't meet their obligations but once CMS defines their obligations that is it. If you appeal unto CMS, unto CMS you shall go.

Andrewofgg · 19/01/2018 06:48

Oh damn. I mean of course I will never say a word in favour of NRP's who don't meet their obligations. You probably guessed that.

inlectorecumbit · 19/01/2018 06:58

You have given him months to sort this out at the same time running up more underpaid CMS.
Put in a claim now and take the DC's away in the summer with the extra money you get.

ButDoYouAvocado · 19/01/2018 07:03

Another vote for CMS. This is money for your children that they are entitled to and deserve. They are just as much his responsibility as yours.

Original poster
WhoWants2Know · 19/01/2018 07:10

Yep. It has to be CMS now. Clearly I'm not important enough for him to listen, so let him have a nice official letter telling him what I've already said. And if he doesn't want to listen, and they have to deduct from his earnings, it'll cost him even more.

OP posts:
GaraMedouar · 19/01/2018 07:10

OP - he should not be taking them on holiday if not paying maintenance due. My ExP is exactly the same. Although exP pays no maintenance at all but does Disney Dad on a Sunday (no overnights). I too am thinking of CMS but he is self employed and earns practically nothing , more like a hobby job that I know I’d never get anything anyway (he is about £10k in debt for his other kids from marriage to CSA anyway).

Original poster
WhoWants2Know · 19/01/2018 07:12

(I say that like I'm not quaking in my bloody boots for some reason. I can't understand why standing up for myself causes so much anxiety.)

OP posts:
megletthesecond · 19/01/2018 07:13

Yanbu.

Emilybrontescorsett · 19/01/2018 07:17

I don't really have words for this .
Go through the cms. Then he can decide if he can afford s holiday.

NewYearNewMe18 · 19/01/2018 07:21

It would be cheaper to go abroad than stay in the UK (assuming the cost of passports isn't included). Especially somewhere cheap and cheerful like Spain or Greece.

Using discount sites like Groupon, I can pick up 4 nights in Malta, 4* hotel and flights for £169 or 1 night in a swanky London hotel for £269. It's a bit of a no brainer really.

DownTownAbbey · 19/01/2018 07:24

He hasn't paid maintenance (to the tune of 14k) so he should have paid his debts off long ago! 14k? How much did he owe?!

He is disgusting, a liar and a shit dad. Remember that. Tell guilt to eff off.

Chugalug · 19/01/2018 07:31

What a cheeky fucker ..go thou cm.he clearly has plenty of money to be able to afford a holiday anywhere....(forgot what a holiday feels like)

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