To think that if you can’t afford to pay maintenance...

[WhoWants2Know]

Then you can’t afford to take the kids abroad on holiday?

In brief, the amount of maintenance ExH pays is around half of the CMS minimum recommended amount. Because he is servicing debts, he feels it’s all he can afford, and complains of being skint.

He’s asked if he can take the girls on holiday somewhere warm and sunny during spring half term.

My initial response was that while I would hate being apart from my kids, I understand that it’s not a good reason to object.

But after thinking about it, AIBU to think that it’s a really cheeky thing to ask? How is it ok to skimp on maintenance and then spend money on a holiday for himself and the kids?

I do struggle financially and the money he doesn’t pay is missed.

But if I say no, I’ll be standing in the way of the experience for them. No idea what to say.

Please don't enable him!!

He is just an utter utter twat!!

Can't afford CM but wants to go on holiday? Is he mental? Has he no shame and no pride?

And agree with PP this 'man' should not be advising others on welfare for the vulnerable!

Not paying correct CM should be a criminal offense it is child neglect.

He has the girls overnight once a week (so I can work an extra early shift the following morning) and alternate Sat-Sun. Recently though, either of the girls will ask to stay back with me at the weekend if I’m not working. Sometimes it’s because they want to do two different things or want a break from each other, but other times it’s because one of them doesn’t want to do what he plans to do usually involving a 10 mile bike ride or similar.

I think it's great let them go!

I wouldn’t say that he buys many things that the girls need. I buy clothes, shoes, coats, school uniforms, clubs, etc. I did ask him to contribute £50 towards two residential trips in the last year, because otherwise they couldn’t go.

He does contribute money towards Birthday and Christmas presents, but generally I do the actual purchasing and wrapping. He literally just doesn’t get how to do those things or really why they’re important.

He’s just a really messed up individual

So he has them so you can do an early shift? You’re not even having a rest ?

He’s unde paying you/cheating his kids but wants to be the hero Dad and take them away on hols?

Really.

What a monumental wanker.

I wonder how his career would progress if his superiors knew what a twat he was being to you and your kids

He contributes towards birthday and christmas presents - WOW what an amazing "dad".

He truly does sound an utter wanker.

I wouldn’t put too much faith in some of his colleagues. I encounter several of them in my own job, but from the opposite side of the table. Their job now is essentially to try to claw back money from the personal budgets of vulnerable people, while I try to advocate for those people. His manager and I have had rather unpleasant interactions before she was promoted to her current position.

Surely if he can afford a holiday abroad he can afford to pay via CSA. Secondly you have several years of bringing up your children. He can spin you any story about being unable to pay. Go through official routes

WhoWants2Know. I agree with the others- you need to go through CS. You’ve supported him for long enough- when clearly he isn’t supporting you or the children. Why should you and your children be less important than him? I understand you loved him- maybe still do a little. But I’d hope you live you and your children more. His debts/ unless they were jointly caused by you- are his problem. The cost of raising the kids falls on both of you. You have to have some responsibility for not claiming until now, and you don’t have to back claim, just make a fresh request through the agency. You deserve to have a life as well, and even holidays when you can afford it. I’d let the kids go, because he’s paid up until now the amount I I’ve agreed on, but I’d be requesting the appropriate amount through the agency now too- for the sake of your kids xx

He’s probably lying about how ‘skint’ he actually is tbh

I don't think he's a really messed up individual, just a selfish, lazy CF.

It's not "his money"

It takes two to make a baby and whilst it's best for the kids to live mainly in one place for stability you and he have equal responsibility for them financially.

What percentage of your own earnings are spent on your kids - what would your monthly outgoings be like if you had a home with one fewer bedrooms and didn't need to buy all the stuff you do for the kids?

The CMS minimum is the absolute least he can do for the kids and a decent dad would do more. That money he is witholding is depriving his own children for his own comfort - what kind of a shit parent does that?

No he can't take them on holiday. The very fact that he has suggested it means that he has been lying to you about what he can afford. Make him pay (best give him a chance to do so without CMS as they take a hefty cut in charges) and once he has been doing so reliably for a year or more then he can think about a holiday with them.

A messed up indivudual social worker........the mind boggles!!!

It takes two to make a baby? Lol, that may be news to him!

I emailed him to give him a chance to sort things out before going via CMS. I tried to keep it factual and told him how much the CMS calculator says he should be paying. (I also told him the total eye-watering amount of maintenance the girls have missed out on since we split.) And I pointed out that if he can’t afford the legal minimum maintenance then perhaps a holiday should be delayed until he finds himself in a better financial position.

No idea how he’ll respond to it, and I’m actually shitting myself a little bit.

How cheeky is he?!

Does the maintenance you've missed out on this year match a holiday abroad? Roughly?

When I went to CSA with my ex it was because I realised that his low maintenance meant in a roundabout way I was sort of paying for the hero-dad Christmas and birthday gifts he was splashing out on.

Yeah, I think you could buy a decent holiday for the amount of maintenance I’ve missed this year.

Well done!

Good for you for sending that email. Even minimum CSA is nothing compared to the cost of raising two kids. If he comes back and says he cant afford it i would tally up exactly what your parental outgoings are.

The good thing about him being a social worker is unlike seperated parents who are self employed there's nowhere for him to hide his income.

Time to cut the cord.

I've not rtft yet but this makes me so riled I'm just going to post.
He isn't paying for their holiday, you are. And you are paying for him to go too! This is your money, not his. Why should you do all the boring crap like pay for foid and school uniforms and housing costs, while he gets to play fun dad at your expense?

Stop feeling sorry for him, feel sorry for you. Say no to this holiday and contact csa today!

i know I should go through CMS. I just haven’t been able to force myself to, because I loved him once and I feel guilty for taking his money. (I know, I need my head examined)

He doesn’t feel guilty leaving you to support the 2 children he made

You have to be pretty detached from modern life not to get why birthday presents are important to children. I don't think that's the case. I think he's put that and a load of other things in the 'hard work' filing tray and thought 'WhoWants can deal with those'. Well, too bad if he is in debt, can't deal with winter etc - plenty of parents are in the same boat and get on with doing the best for their kids anyway. Go to the CMS.

Also, on a practical level he doesn't sound like he'd cope well with looking after them on a holiday abroad.

Yes - CMS. If once he’s paying proper maintenance & he can’t afford a holiday then he’ll be in the same boat as a lot of us won’t he?! Pls don’t pander to this shit.