To think that if you can’t afford to pay maintenance...

[WhoWants2Know]

Then you can’t afford to take the kids abroad on holiday?

In brief, the amount of maintenance ExH pays is around half of the CMS minimum recommended amount. Because he is servicing debts, he feels it’s all he can afford, and complains of being skint.

He’s asked if he can take the girls on holiday somewhere warm and sunny during spring half term.

My initial response was that while I would hate being apart from my kids, I understand that it’s not a good reason to object.

But after thinking about it, AIBU to think that it’s a really cheeky thing to ask? How is it ok to skimp on maintenance and then spend money on a holiday for himself and the kids?

I do struggle financially and the money he doesn’t pay is missed.

But if I say no, I’ll be standing in the way of the experience for them. No idea what to say.

Lol, I bought him a light box when we were married 🙄.

Right, I’m going to tell him to get his head out of his arse and pay up. If he wants to go somewhere sunny, he can take a tent and find somewhere warm to stick it.

I see it as you would be basically paying for his holiday - as it's the money he hasn't given you that's paying for it

The last time I looked, all social workers were bound by a set of ethics in their dealings with clients. What a pity your ex doesn't apply them to his private life.

Lol, would I let my kids go without so I could have a holiday? Hell no. My luxuries extend as far as Diet Coke on the shopping list and occasional leggings from Primark.

I think he also has romanticised the idea of a holiday with kids, and hasn’t really thought through how much fun it would be trying to feed picky vegetarian kids in a new country.

He's not a very good example of a social worker is he?

Do as I say, rather than as I do!

Op has he been emotionally manipulating you for long?? SAD is treatable, being an arsehole is not!

His SAD is neither here nor there. He could still potentially get a term time winter break himself somewhere and use the rest of the holiday money to pay you the legal minimum maintenance. The two things are completely unconnected issues.

Also, if he's a social worker, there are paid sidelines he could pursue for more money. Panel work, ISW reports, that type of thing.

Can't you see that he is taking money off your children by not paying maintenance? You're worried about hurting him whereas he's not worried about hurting his own children.

I did kind of suggest just taking himself away during term time and he said that then he would feel guilty for going on holiday without the kids. (Whereas under paying maintenance doesn’t lose him any sleep at night).

I think he’s really more concerned with how it looks to go away on his own vs looking like a doting Dad treating his kids.

A social worker earns a decent salary so he can afford to pay you the correct amount of maintenance money. He just chooses not to because he thinks his needs are greater than those of his children. Op, you are allowing him to get away with it because you have some sort of misled guilt but you need to toughen up! He'll get over it....in Spring!

Feels guilty going away without them but not for refusing to pay for them? Mmmkay.

Yeah, I can see that he’s taking money off his kids by not paying what he should. And I really have failed to stand up for them, which is exactly the kind of parent I don’t want to be.

I think this has given me a push I needed to grow a backbone and either get him to pay or get CMS to take it from him.

Sorry but he is not a nice person to not even be paying what the CMS says. What they say is normally a pittance to what it actually costs to have a child.

Do you think maybe someone else is paying ? Does he have a partner ? Parents or siblings who might be offering to pay ?

He’s a CF.

Go via CMS and prioritise your dc’s needs above your ex. I mean this kindly btw.

He's a social worker, and he's not even paying the legal minimum for his own children?

Christ almighty. It's not like social workers are in minimum wage.

That is disgraceful.

He doesn’t have a partner or any siblings in a position to pay, and I don’t think his dad would be able to either.

I actually think his dad might be mortified if he knew how little Ex has paid towards the girls, and might try to contribute money that he can’t really afford to give.

A social worker! I hope not in child services. Removing children from parents for neglect when he is neglecting his own.

Can’t afford to pay, more like doesn’t want pay.

This is why failing to pay maintenance should be a criminal offence and men like him should not be advising others on welfare for the vulnerable.

He probably tells his dad you bleed him dry of money.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he did tell his dad that.

Fathers now paying for their children is something which makes me mad!

So he would rather you struggle feeding and clothing then whilst he gets a nice week in the sun?

Screw that phone the CSA tomorrow

Does he at least buy stuff that the girls need??

How often does he have the girls?

Personally, if the kids never get to go abroad then I would see it as an opportunity for them to experience something different and spend some time with him. I would then have the discussion on his return.