Friends who always invite themselves to your house and never invite you to theirs

[lottieandmia22]

Does anyone else have this happen? I have 2 friends that do this.

We are all now at the age of our children all being in school. So no messy toddlers to pull everything out. I’m not one of those people who wants to sit around in people’s houses for hours either. I usually leave after about 90 minutes at the most.

So what gives?

I am obviously very lucky as haven’t run into this

Don't give them an out-clause by saying "shall I come to yours" or "will it be okay to..." because they can easily say no. Be firm with a "Yes, would be great to see you. I'll come to you for 11am" or "Lovely, so looking forward to seeing you. It must be your turn to host so see you at 11am" or even "it's your turn to host"

Be strong lottie. You can do it.

My house is a disgusting mess. It's tidy about three times a year. I don't invite people back as I have had people comment on mess even when we've tidied up especially! I do try and return hospitality outside of our house and will happily take a kid out for the day. Don't give up on someone who may have a backstory you know nothing about. Ours is a mix of chronic illness, too much stuff and not being naturally tidy people.

Next time suggest meeting in a cafe for a coffee. I’d always much rather do that. Don’t get the appeal of leaving my house to sit in someone else’s. And I hate going to the homes of cleaning obsessed people. You know they’d rather you weren’t there.

I think this is very shabby behaviour, accepting invites knowing you will never repay the favour

Totally agree

Put them to work, helping out with laundry, gardening, changing duvet covers, things like that.

That normally deters unwelcome guests.

I have the opposite, they are fine with me travelling to them and then home again in the dark, but the same trip the other way around seems to be insurmountably long somehow.
One 'friend' in particular does this. To be fair, I need to decorate (stripped walls so patchy plaster and bare floorboards. But comfy sofa, open fire, heating and everything else is nice. She just can't be bothered and I always travel to her. (We usually go out for a meal in her local pub) which is upsetting. Am now in the process of decorating so will see what happens!

I have a ‘friend’ like this who always wants to come to our place with her daughter, but I’m starting to fight back. It started when she left a voice mail asking for details of my daughter’s 4th birthday party as I’d clearly forgotten to give her an invite. Then when they were at school they drifted further apart after being placed in separate classes yet she continued to ask for play dates at my house. Two years later, I finally realised we are conveniently close to the school and a good place to wait while her older one is in after-school club.

I’ve tried to say I don’t think they’re very close any more but she doesn’t want to hear it. When I last got a text message about arranging a visit I turned it around and said my child was very excited about visiting their house. There was a long silence but the play date is happening there next week (finally).

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that my daughter dislikes hers but she’s just not bothered about this girl. Never mentions her after school, never asks to play with her. And I don’t want her to be used as a convenience. So I’m hoping it will peter out.

I had the opposite. 20 year long friendship that I was always going to her house. She rarely came to mine. Since I stopped going over to see her we don’t see each other anymore.

Our closest friends have a far bigger house and more kids. We tend to go to theirs and always buy food/wine/takeaways. They’re always welcome at ours but it’s cramped when we are all there. It works for us and we regularly check they’re ok with it

My friends normally come to me or we meet. Somewhere else (town). But I'm the only one with two kids (apart from one friend who drives & picks us up to go to hers) none of them mind (that I'm aware of) I do go to theirs when I can, I live in a place that buses are a real pain and not very frequent. Most of my friends drive. I have a small flat, and it's fairly untidy. Not dirty but lots of stuff. It's a very small flat unfortunatly and I'm contently getting rid of stuff only to be given more stuff 😂.

I'd like to thinks it's two ways. But it's more one way with visiting due to smalls, not driving and living away from them. But I'm a semi good host, I'll make food and all sorts whilst they are here. And don't mind cleaning the mess when they have gone. Love a mad house x

Same boat. Not a naturally tidy person. I live in caos. But tbh, I don't mind it. 😂 I've had people judge me on my place before, saying it's messy. But it's never dirty, not a hazard to the kids. But a little cluttered and gathering dust😂

Oh god, I'm feeling really paranoid now.

As some pp's have also said I have a small house which isn't always visitor-ready. I love catching up with friends tho so prefer to go there. Same with school friends... Worry they'll go home and gossip about the mess etc

We've got a very springy dog too who gets a bit too friendly (jumping up etc. Not leg-humping! Haha. Its a girl)

Just to add I do meet at cafés too etc and take turns in paying. If we visit a house I take stuff. I don't drink tea or coffee so no "hospitality" required. Literally just go for the company. No overnight stays or big meals.

I was always happy to host people until we lived in a neighborhood of a certain nationality. They used sayings that put down others (me) and bc i collect antiques and have better things to do than be "house proud neat" my house is/was always clean but often cluttered with the busyness of the day. I tidied maybe everyday but sometimes e/o. But NEVER dirty dishes, bathrooms, etc.

The remarks by their children, obviously repeated from parents, hurt deeply. We moved.

Now i seldom invite anyone into my home. Only family.

I don't have a toddler but I'm friends with someone who does so makes sense to go to hers if we're meeting for a day time ccuppa. If we're planning an evening drinking she comes to me (when I've not got dgd!!!)

I work with someone at my lunch time job and we live maybe 5-10 mins away we also have to be back 1:45 mins later to do our afternoon jobs in the same place! I go home for lunch and on the odd occasion I have asked my friend to come to mine for a coffee because she says she can't be bothered to walk home! I have stopped asking her back because every time we finished a lunch she would drop hints about coming to mine! Not once in 3 years has she asked me to go to hers!!

Interesting thread - I am not embarrassed about my house but my two closest friends don't actually like dh very much and I am so aware of him listening to what I say and do ...he sort of hovers . So we all relax more if we are not at mine!

It is interesting OP - What I meant to say is you never really know what reasons people have for doing this - no-one wants to feel open to potentially being judged in their own home - not saying you personally would but if I suspect people are silently judging me it troubles me

Maybe it also depends how much hosting the friend requires.

When I go to a friend's house I bring wine/snacks, I don't expect them to do anything.

Inviting yourself to stay over is pretty cheeky IMHO, that's different from just some tea or wine and a chat.

I don't tend to invite people to mine because it's a a really teeny flat and sometimes I want to spend time with my friends without DP but there's nowhere for him to go really.

zzzzz it’s easier to travel to a toddler because all their stuff is there, and the risk level has been tested already! Taking a toddler to someone else’s house is a pain in the arse because you have to take stuff with you to keep them entertained, and keep more of an eye on what they’re up to in case of breaking things / hurting themselves.

I know they are capable of visiting. But when I’m visiting friends who don’t have children then I’m more on edge. If they come to me then the only extra thing I have to do is make 2 cups of tea. Friends with children then it’s easy either way.