Friends who always invite themselves to your house and never invite you to theirs

[lottieandmia22]

Does anyone else have this happen? I have 2 friends that do this.

We are all now at the age of our children all being in school. So no messy toddlers to pull everything out. I’m not one of those people who wants to sit around in people’s houses for hours either. I usually leave after about 90 minutes at the most.

So what gives?

I am a bit of a hermit. I like family visiting when I am ready, so clean and tidy. I hate it if people just pop round.
I don't do play dates etc. I have invited one of ds' friends round this Saturday for the first time. Everyone's houses seem immaculate and fresh. They either work very part time or certainly much less than I do. In honesty I'm struggling a bit with trying to do everything as well a stressful job. It makes me feel ill, the overwhelming feeling I'm not doing enough but also not relaxing or feeling like I actually stop and breathe.
I do big birthday parties for ds. I see that as a giant play date if that makes sense.
The whole school mum thing freaks me out a bit really. I don't maintain friendships very well. I'm an amazing friend online and by phone and text. I can do several things at once then.

All these people with special reasons why you can't invite people over - I hope take food/drink/gifts when you accept invites, and do you fair share of the organising and arrange meet ups in restaurants/cafe/park/whatever.

Otherwise you're just using your friends and your special reason is a handy excuse.

Do you need a formal invitation. Can you not just pop over to theirs?

silver if anything, I throw money at it and over compensate with gifts.

I host a lot. We're lucky we have a big house, lots of space, I'm laidback with people over and I love baking and cooking for people. I do still go to friends' houses a lot but happy to host more than my share if that suits. With most people it's reciprocated apart from my neighbour who is embarrassed about her messy house!

I'm ashamed of my tatty overcrowded house hardly ever have friends over I've lived here 22 years oh lived here 12 his best mate has been inside once. Children have had 1 sleep over eldest is 10 I'd love to have people over but want people to see the state of the house, i have recently come in to some money and we are moving to a 4 bed semi I'm most excited about having a garden and being able to invite people over.

Just stop doing it. I am obviously a schmuck as I have been caught out loads of times. Reasons have been :

1. They want their house to stay pristine.
2. They are tight.
3. They don't appreciate the cost and effort you go to.
4. They want you to do the cleaning up.
5. They are fuckers.

I just decide on a category they belong to and don't repeat. I am learning..

@icelollycraving good good - you could come round to mine any time. :-)

It's strange isn't it how these things go. One of my friends is so obsessive about her house that I prefer to ask her to ours. Otherwise she's racing round with a mop and duster after the DCs and we never get to chat and we have to do a big stressful tidy up session before we go home. I'm quite happy to let the DCs trash our house while we chat because frankly it's hard to tell the difference and she's happy to come here and bring luscious expensive cakes. Win win in my book

SallyAnne

What happens with my so called friends is they text ‘oh I’ve really missed you, we must have a coffee. I’ll come over to yours next Tuesday’

Since I have Aspergers I think I lack the social skills to negotiate my way out of this crap. I feel as though I can’t say ‘oh no that’s not fair. Let me come to your house’ what is the correct thing to say?

Just say "Can we make it at yours instead? I could do with a change of scene."

You’ve got to brazen it out (just like them) and say “ooh it’s been ages since I’ve been to yours. I’ll come to you this time”
And then wait....

I'm the complete opposite I don'treally mind people coming here but I hate going to others houses or out for coffee etc. I used to get very anxious about going which would trigger a migraine or my ibs, then I got anxious about declining. After my world changed in 2013 I just got to the point it's not worth it and anyone close knows to come here, anyone not close I'm not worried about offending anymore.

I'm cringing and putting my hand up to this. My tiny house is in a bad state of repair and decor, is very cluttered an utter shit tip and I am too embarrassed to have people round much unless I know them well and know they won't judge much. It's simply too small and cramped to have friends with kids round - there's hardly anywhere for my own DC to play, let alone others. I do do my share of organising meet ups though, I don't invite myself over to others' houses, and I always take a gift when invited over.

likewise it can be difficult to host on tight budget for extra milk / biscuits

Sorry but if you accept tea and biscuits then you can reciprocate- it's the same thing, you drank the tea no date biscuits so you give back

what is the correct thing to say?

MN classic line - "Sorry, that doesn't work for me. How about....?"

Or why not initiate the catch up yourself?
Send them the same text they send you but suggest one of their houses?

I have 3 friends who are ultra messy, no room to sit, toys everywhere, sink full etc

They are the best hosts! Plenty going in and a warm welcome. The mess doesn't detract from that

One of my DC has ASD. He is normally fine for a short while when we visit other people but gets very anxious when other people come into ‘his’house. So we are rarely able to reciprocate. Our house is also smaller than most of our friends so it gets a bit cramped.

What happens with my so called friends is they text ‘oh I’ve really missed you, we must have a coffee. I’ll come over to yours next Tuesday’

In this scenario you don't need to say it's not "fair" - you just need to refuse the assumption that your house is the default.

So you say:

"Me too! Can I come to yours?"

Or:

"I've missed you too. That's not great for me actually - can we do X day at X time at X place instead?"

Or:

"So great to hear from you - be great to see you. Can I come over to you? X day is good for me."

Just because someone wants to see you doesn't mean you need to do everything they suggest.

Social rules are usually mutually reciprocal, as you suspect, but there are loads of reasons why an imbalance might happen. Don't worry about why for now - just shove the balance back to mutual instead.

DH and I had lovely friends like that but they'd wait till 10pm to come round, would eat and drink and wouldn't leave till 2am even tho we had work and school in the morning.

Eventually we stopped answering the door - they got the message after half a dozen nocturnal visits.

Worlds - wtf?! Definitely my worst nightmare.

Thanks for the advice - it does help.

Different strokes. I loved hosting when kids were small as they were self contained in my house. I had a friend who hated her house getting messed up so she would come to mine in winter and I would go to hers in the summer - lovely child friendly garden.

Now my house is shabby, untidy and falling apart. I hate people in my house. Much rather go to friends but I wouldn't take the mick, I'd take turns.

"please can I come to yours, I need to get out of the house'

All the excuses! Very shallow excuses at that.

Are the people hosting the play dates/ parties/dinners all living in Buckingham palace?

No I don't think so, the people you socialise with are just like you. People in every social strata experience this cheeky fucker behaviour.

Let's call it what it is. The people who don't reciprocate with 'friends' hospitality are mean. It costs time and money to host people even for coffee and biscuits. Some people are so mean they don't want to do that. They also don't want mess or stains left to deal with.

I say each to their own, but if you don't want to reciprocate an invitation don't accept in the first place!

Why do you people accept invitations for coffee or dinner when going by the comments here you have no intention of having friends in your house?

I think this is very shabby behaviour, accepting invites knowing you will never repay the favour.