Friends who always invite themselves to your house and never invite you to theirs

[lottieandmia22]

Does anyone else have this happen? I have 2 friends that do this.

We are all now at the age of our children all being in school. So no messy toddlers to pull everything out. I’m not one of those people who wants to sit around in people’s houses for hours either. I usually leave after about 90 minutes at the most.

So what gives?

I used to meet a friend at a class our children went to. We both had just turned 2 year olds and new babies. She always commented how much easier it was , 4 children between 2 rather than looking after 2 on her own.
Yes, that’s because it was at my house and she sat back drinking tea whilst I wrangled 4 tiny children. I used to be exhausted.

I had PND which then became depression for years, an unhappy marriage and for me it was a welcome escape when visiting friends. I didn't invite back as I found it too stressful.

It happens to me mainly because I’m mostly the organizer of anything social - so by default it’s “come to mine” not because I have the best house or tidiest (deffo not) etc - but I want to arrange things and can’t invite a group to someone else’s place
Would be happy if someone said “come to mine instead”

I just think it’s selfish & it feels as if they don’t like you enough to invite you.

From the other side: I'm one of those people who never invite friends to their house. i suffer from anxiety and would just find it too stressful. i've always assumed if people invite you to their home it's because they want to cook / entertain at home, and not because there is an expectation that they then visit you.

I'm actually happier to meet in a pub / cafe / the park etc than going round someone's house (which also makes me anxious) and it's their choice whether to invite me or not. If people try to invite themselves round mine, then I've no problem saying no, lets meet in x cafe instead.

I think if you don't want people round at your house that is fair enough, but you should not turn up at someone else's house, eat their food and drink their beer/wine if you are not willing to do the same.

Just suggest that you meet at a neutral place (maccies or costa or playbarn of you have kids.)

I have had friends in the past, and id did grate on me, and this is what I ended up suggesting. It worked out pretty well. Especially as I could leave when I wanted, and didn't have to wonder when they were leaving.

*IF you have kids!

They don't want to make the effort of 'hosting'.....they'd rather be 'guests' and have you run round after them.

Why can't you just say 'no, that doesn't work for me. How about a change of scene/venue?'
Invite yourself to their houses just like they do you....

Nope. Never had it. I wouldn't put up with it. Why do you? seriously?

Being invited to meet out somewhere can be a problem though if you've limited income, it's rather more exspensive having a coffee at costa than going to a friends house; likewise it can be difficult to host on tight budget for extra milk / biscuits etc for visitors. And yes, those small costs can be unaffordable to many people before endless people feel the need to point out it's only a couple of quid, that can be a family meal or 2 on a very tight budget, but people don't always want friends to know how tight things are

Hosting gives me a stress headache (ASD).

My house is "normal". But kids have broken parts of it. I'm not talking knocking an ornament over, I'm talking the fabric of the house. Kids wrenching at stuff or jumping about the place like it's a soft play. Round my door there is a piece with a hole in due to a careless visitor.

Things are difficult and expensive to fix and cleaning up can be a mammoth knackering task. I don't like people in my space through bitter experience. So generally I will try to avoid hosting. I don't care at all if it loses me friends.

I find this really tough. I would love to host and have dreams of a big open house. I think the reality is you need to be very flexible to have that. I invite people all the time but inevitably they are busy or can't come. I make the effort in a lot of friendships (particularly say, NCT where someone has to make an extra effort to keep the group together) but as a result often end up doing what's convienient for the laziest person- ie going to theirs. Loads of people came to us after our babies were born and I loved it

while there are some people who are very lazy at hosting there are those who find frequent hosts bad guests - possibly a control thing - so they arrive late, don't seem comfortable, and leave as soon as they can. Clearly not you OP but it does make for uncomfortable reciprocation.

I got annoyed with always being the playdate host, but always delighted to have friends here. Travel is more of a bind than hosting, as most of my 'real friends' live in all corners of the country.

I'm uncomfortable having friends at my flat for a number of reasons.
I'm very untidy and I worry they will hate me if they see my mess.
I actually only own 1 mug, 2 glasses and 4 plates/bowls. I did have more but they smashed and I've never replaced them. I know I can get quite cheap mugs/dinner sets but I've never got round to it and I have enough for myself and daughter.
I'm on a strict budget. Every meal is planned. If I've ran out of teabags that's it to shopping day.
So I tend to meet friends out or go to theirs if they offer. I'm not lazy just very anxious, a bit depressed and a bit skint.

There are different types of hosting though. So having a small group of adults over for tea and biscuits requires minimal effort and potentially the host could be seen to be the lazy party if guests have had to travel some way to get there.

The other type of hosting - either preparing and cooking multi-course dinners for friends or having friends with toddlers/young children over who trash your house - is entirely different and requires the host to make far more effort than the guest.

Personally I have stopped inviting people round who don't reciprocate the latter type of hosting. I had one “friend” who used to like coming round so I could feed her kids and they could destroy my house while she got to return to an immaculate house. She no longer visits as the invites dried up long ago.

Next time your friend invites herself/her family over, tell her to bring lunch for everyone or something like that. It might help reduce any resentment you might be feeling. It might also reduce the likelihood that your friend keeps inviting herself over if she knows she has to bring the food every time

I have friends who seem to only like to host in their own homes, so we have to do the driving and the travelling etc. I think it’s a control issue for some.

Ravingroo - I bet they do. Your friends won't mind at all...I promise.

We had a similar issue when we moved out of London, our house is quite big (although some people have bigger houses), one of my lovely friends accepted invitations a couple of time and didn't invite me back. I have a 2 invite/text limit and then if people don't reply or invite me back I don't bother with them any more.

But she was genuinely (bizarrely) embarrassed about her house. Anyway I still don't get it. Her house is fine/...But maybe it is that?

I have a friend I invite round for tea on a reasonably regular basis (probably every 6 weeks or so) but I hardly ever get asked back to her house. The strange thing is she is a much better cook than me too, always talking about what she's making etc but I never get to sample it. Occasionally she asks me a few days before Christmas when we exchange presents but even that isn't every year. My house is average, definitely nothing much to boast about, and I'm not the tidiest of people either!

I am that friend.

There's an agoraphobic teenager in mine that hates people and who's anxiety would be triggered enormously and affect him for a few days if anyone but immediate family was in his safe space.

I have never once been inside SIL's house. Not once in 20 years.

No one comments on it. It's the elephant in the room.

She and BIL and DNiece have visited and stayed with us more times than I can count.