Friends who always invite themselves to your house and never invite you to theirs

[lottieandmia22]

Does anyone else have this happen? I have 2 friends that do this.

We are all now at the age of our children all being in school. So no messy toddlers to pull everything out. I’m not one of those people who wants to sit around in people’s houses for hours either. I usually leave after about 90 minutes at the most.

So what gives?

@ArcheryAnnie, I don’t mind too much as I do the same amount of cleaning for one person as I would for 4 or 5 and I do usually have enough food in.

It’s starting to drag now though as I’m pretty heavily pregnant and I’m much less enthusiastic when people end up here for the whole afternoon.

I'm this friend DH is a hoarder so I'm fighting a constant battle to keep the house liveable let alone visitor-ready. There's still decorating and DIY jobs to be done and everything takes forever because we constantly have to shuffle his mess around so we can do anything. My close friends understand but I still feel bad I can never return the invite.

Same user to happen to me due to the size of out house. It got to the point that they would just waltz into the house without knocking, as it they own the place. Just tell them that you can’t keep catering to them and their children

Usually it's because they're embarrassed about their living conditions.

I'm only this friend because I live on a hill and she's doesn't do hills our houses are exactly the same layout.

This happens to me. I’ve stopped offering now as I feel like I’m running a restaurant/boarding house. It costs a fortune to feed crowds of people and pour wine down their necks, and then there’s all the cleaning and bedding and towels to wash (we’re in the middle of nowhere). I would much rather have a night ‘out’ than be in my own bloody house where I spend every bloody night anyway. I am done with staying up til 2 a.m. clearing up after everyone has gone whistling off to bed. It’s fucking annoying and leaves me feeling that my friends don’t value me very much, except as a meal ticket.

I have this too. I like entertaining and put effort in but would like an invite to others occasionally- even for take away just so I don’t have to cook / clean. I think people think I expect them to make a massive effort - I don’t

I've let friendships fizzle over this. The worst couple were just tight. If you met at a restaurant, they'd penny pinch tediously over the bill (doubly annoying on a group holiday where they'd be very vocal about the vegetarian choices and the budget every night when trying to find somewhere to eat). Nothing felt freely given. No social arrangements suggested. Always late to commit to an event leaving you feeling like nothing better had come up and not necessarily reliable about actually attending with some late drop-outs after accommodation was arranged.

Such penny pinching and lack of reciprocity got very tedious after the the years of time and money we invested in organising occasions that they benefited from. All we wanted in return was something simple like their share of committing a day and planning a walk like everyone else in the group rather than constantly piggybacking of everyone else every single time. It didn't need to involve tidying their home and expense of hosting parties etc!

Think it depends, I have been both the put upon host as well as the person who should have reciprocated more.

In the latter case it's usually been pre kids friends who have invited us round more so they have more bandwidth to faff with making lovely dinners, I used to enjoy doing this pre kids but how I just find it stressful now with lack of time.

I also have an unpredictable health condition which makes me feel reluctant to host as I don't like letting people down if I don't feel well on the day. Hopefully I can make up with it when out the baby / pregnancy phase of life.

Re day time kiddy meet ups, I have done this disproportionately compared to others as house got more space but I am totally with pp about the mess, the missing out on the fun because you're making drinks / food plus my toddler usually hates it as has their toys taken from them / messed around / generally not acting to share. Whoever hosts has the least nice time that's for sure, but those that never host don't realise that... Because they never host! (or maybe they do, which is why they don't host!)

I have friends like this. While I love cooking and hosting I have one friend who has invited us to hers ONCE in ten years. I'm sick to death of cooking and cleaning and them descending and not returning the favour. Grrrrrr.

My house hasn’t been decorated since we moved in and I am deeply embarrassed about it. Luckily my friends all have nice houses they don’t mind me visiting!

It's the other way around with my best friend. I always go to hers and she rarely comes to mine, if she does it's never longer than 45 minutes. I go round hers a couple of times a week and I do wish she would come to me more often.

My other friend always comes to mine though. I do offer to go to hers but she likes getting out of her house and having a walk to mine.

I’ve let a friendship fizzle out because of this. She just would never reciprocate invites. There’s nothing wrong with her house - it’s bigger than mine - she just didn’t want it to be her toys that were played with, even though I’m very good at tidying after my kids! She wouldn’t meet out either. It was either my house or nothing - so we’re going for nothing.

@U2HasTheEdge that’s exactly what my friend is like! The few times she has come to mine, she stays less than an hour. And declines all drinks. It’s weird. She just doesn’t like being hosted I don’t think. My house is fine and not dirty or smelly Im fairly sure

I tend to be the host, but we do also get invited to our friends houses. I tend to to it about three times as much as the others.

I think it’s a mixture between I have the most space, I also live quite rurally with a big garden and our friends and the dogs like it here, plus I’m happy enough to put in the hosting effort.

To be fair though, they all contribute, the women clean up and help cook, everyone brings booze, so everyone does their bit. It’s more it’s my location but a team effort.

I’d guess for your friends it’s a mixture of embarrassment about their houses or anxiety about hosting. I wouldn’t end a friendship over it. Acquaintances, maybe, but certainly not a friendship.

Sadly I am not that tidy. I have AS and executive functioning issues. I try my best but I’ll never be Anthea Turner. My house is not small but these people live in much bigger houses. I just feel like there should be give and take...

I'm kinda guilty. It's because she can't leave her dog home and wants to bring her hyper 'friendly' dog into my house. Something about the dog being lonely left all alone, etc. Actually come to think of it, it doesn't makes sense because both her and her husband works and leave the dog at home 9-5pm. Other's won't mind but I'd rather if guests leave their pets at home. Some dog owners can be ridiculous when it comes to their pets so I prefer if we meet out for coffee or I come round to hers with cake/flowers hoping the dog will ignore me as it does make me anxious.

They’re might be house proud and a bit ashamed of their house, or they just prefer being at yours?

For example my friends mainly come over to mine because I live in an area with better transport links and more things to do so it’s easier to get ready here and go out or quickly pop over to mine. And I prefer being in my own space so it’s fine.

I have had friends that never invite me to theirs, always invite themselves here and have weird excuses, but it doesn’t really bother me. Maybe ask them to meet at a cafe or at theirs next time. Do they seem to invite other friends around?

They*

exDH is forrin and a very good cook. His friends (and their partners) frequently wrangled an invitation to dinner but never ever invited us to theirs. One night I overheard one couple talking to each other “ooh this is much better food than xyz restaurant” and the other replied “yes, and it’s free!!!”

my ex made in quite clear that he did not want anyone in our house and I wasn't to invite anyone
So maybe it's not just bad manners as you think op

I hate that I always have to travel to others and they never come to mine! I can only assume it's laziness and they don't want the hassle.

Hassle of entertaining over hassle of travelling?

Wincarnis 😮 how rude

Heather - even when he was out he didn’t want to invite people?

I’ve got no dog btw.