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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH's best friend's new girlfriend....replacing my friend

132 replies

MrsOverTheRoad · 30/10/2017 21:24

DH's best friend has been married for twenty years and his wife is a good mate of mine.

He left her two months ago and has a new girlfriend...he met her online dating.

He seems over-obsessed with this woman and is jumping in head first. Meanwhile his wife is devestated. She's broken into two which is awful to see.

DH works with his friend and so will now and then mention this new woman casually "Oh X said he and Diana went to see that new film and it was great"

Kind of thing. Every time DH does this I get irrational annoyed though I say nothing.

I think it's awful! DH and his mate moving on like that...just accepting this new woman...like my friend is nothing.

I never want to invite this new woman around or anything...I can't imagine it!

OP posts:
Babyg1995 · 31/10/2017 09:09

You sound like a good friend op but everyone has the right to leave a relationship when they like no matter how many years they have been together and the man isn't a nob for doing so.

lovecheeseandbiscuits · 31/10/2017 09:37

Yes, everyone has the right to leave a relationship and the OP also has the right to not have a relationship / friendship with the new GF. I'd be the same, my friend would come first.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 31/10/2017 09:44

I'd be the same, my friend would come first.

Just as her DH is putting his friend first.

SepiaTintedRose · 31/10/2017 09:55

Barbarian A friend of mine recently left her marriage to move in with a new partner ... I've just had to accept it - can't insist she stays unhappily married just because it makes life more comfortable for the rest of us.

Confused There is a difference between leaving a relationship, and having an affair then leaving the relationship to move in with the new person. It's the affair bit that's wrong. Why can so many posters not see that? If you don't want to be in a relationship, fine - leave. But don't stay and keep stringing the other person along until you find someone new. And in the OPs scenario, don't keep stringing the other person along, making no effort to improve things (sorry but aren't marriage vows a commitment to at least try?), and mentally checking out to such a degree that you're able to being fully coupled up with someone else within a couple of months.
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/10/2017 09:59

Sepia whatever your views, other people's relationships are absolutely none of your business. Your only choice and decision is whether to continue to be a friend to that person or not, that's it.

Why can so many posters not see that they don't know the ins and outs from both parties in a marriage/relationship?

thatdearoctopus · 31/10/2017 10:06

Her dh can continue to be friends with his mate. But that doesn't mean the OP has to do nails and braid hair with his new girlfriend.
To the poster who said she's going to have to accept it sooner or later, I would say not necessarily. If it's a sudden and quick hooking up after a long marriage, it could well end as quickly as it began. And she might find it easier, down the line, to be more open to the idea of a subsequent partner than a rebound one.

thatdearoctopus · 31/10/2017 10:10

Who's "not seeing that they don't know the ins and outs of someone else's relationship?" Most have acknowledged that, but actually I don't see it's relevant. The OP has said that her friend is side-swiped and devastated. Regardless of her role in the marriage breakdown, that's valid. Her husband seems to have moved in very quickly. Good for him. That doesn't mean that the OP has to upset her friend further by substituting her in the group.

NameChangr678 · 31/10/2017 10:12

I think that also the fact that the man has moved on so quickly and that your DH has also readily accepted their new relationship so quickly can be unsettling to your own relationship- like women are disposable and easily replaceable.

What a load of bollocks. Her husband is being supportive to his friend, just like if one of my friends suddenly dumped their partner and got a new one, I would absolutely accept and respect their relationship and treat it like the old one.

If you genuinely read into that as "DH thinks women are disposable!" then you probably need to sort out your severe insecurity issues.

livefornaps · 31/10/2017 10:13

To be honest, I would just keep my nose out.

Focus on.supporting your friend, rather than obsessing over the new girlfriend.

People's marriages can breakdown, and they have the right to move on.

Not everyone reacts to situations in the same way.

For all you know, they might be in love. They might be keeping it casual.

It doesn't concern you. Just because people were together 20years doesn't mean they both stayed exactly the same person during that time.

And whatever you do - don't be a busybody. Don't be that person.

thatdearoctopus · 31/10/2017 10:14

Supporting his friend doesn't have to mean trotting home and reporting on their loved-up happiness when the OP knows that her friend is in pieces at home.

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin · 31/10/2017 10:15

DH....... he says "there's more to it than you know" about his reasons for leaving but I'd never ask and DH wouldn't say...DH says he was not unfaithful to my friend and I believe that

I know that I have NO idea what went on in my friend's relationship....only that she thought they were "fine" but they obviously weren'

happy, stable relationships don't break up over night. No one gets up after 20 years and says 'I've ahd enough, I'm off', it's a long gradual process. Who knows what goes on behind closed doors.

TBH OP, you sound a little too invested in what is your DHs best mates love life - remember the principle relationship in this dynamic is DH/Best Mate, you and the ex wife are consequential associates of DH/Best Mate relationship.

I feel quite sure if your freind left her bloke and hooked up with a new beau you'd have a moral indignation if your DH was passing judgement on how 'he couldnt get past it' .

Other people and their relationships are their business.

thatdearoctopus · 31/10/2017 10:15

Livefornaps, How is the OP being a busybody? Her dh has been chatting about the 'new' couple and she's uncomfortable. I don't call that "obsessing" about it.

Aderyn17 · 31/10/2017 10:20

I also don't believe he wasn't trawling the internet before leaving his wife. Experience has led me to believe it's true when people say a man rarely leaves one relationship without having another lined up.

Even if he did 'just' leave his wife and then fall in love with someone new after 5 minutes, that is just so cold. She didn't even know there was a problem!

When he says he wasn't unfaithful, he probably means that he didn't have sex with new woman before leaving his wife, but infidelity isn't only confined to the physical.

There is no way I would socialise with him and his new gf.

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin · 31/10/2017 10:25

Not sure about that aderyn, I can give you lots of annecdotal stories of men also (widowed or wife left them) who simpley cannot cope alone. I think it's more common with men to want companionship. Women tend, over all, to be a little more self sufficient. A bit of sweeping sterotype but men dont cope with lonliness/being alone in the same way wmen do. In fact, I'd go so far as to ay, they don't as a rule cope with it at all.

*this post is a general post, it does not require 3,000 anecdotal every bloke I know is a cheating scum who lines up a spare woman on PoF before jacking his relationship in style stories.

livefornaps · 31/10/2017 10:25

@octopus, I just mean in a similar vein to @sloesloe, it's best to avoid becoming over-invested. There's no point because it is what it is - maybe this guy will be happy with the new gf forever more, maybe not. If his ex is still devastated, support her, but don't let her spit bile about a woman she's never met either (not saying she would do this). In the end, nothing stays the same and sometimes we need to keep what we think to ourselves.

cordelia16 · 31/10/2017 10:27

the point of this post isn't if the DH's friend has been U in leaving his wife... that's no one's business, not even the OP's or DH's.

the OP is asking if she is BU in not wanting to hear about the couple, as her good friend is still miserable.

OP, YANBU

Mittens1969 · 31/10/2017 11:14

It’s very tricky. People will always support their friends when relationships break down and it easily becomes an us and them scenario with everyone taking sides. That doesn’t help anyone.

But the OP has a longstanding friendship with the wife so she understandably feels cross which her DH’s friend for hurting her friend. She doesn’t have to like what he’s done.

In time, the wife will recover and life will go on. But two months is not long, so feelings are raw right now.

ScissorBoo · 31/10/2017 11:26

DHs parents have been married for over 40 years and his DF has a new girlfriend (OW). I have absolutely no desire to hear about her or where they go and what they do but DF does discuss it with DH who's OK with it. I don't think YABU at all. It's horrible to hear (irrational I know but I agree)

Headofthehive55 · 31/10/2017 11:46

To continue to have a couple friendship all parties have to get on. You don't have to do couple things with them. Your DH can have a one on one friendship with his friend

IncyWincyGrownUp · 31/10/2017 12:10

I wouldn’t make any effort toward the husband or his new girlfriend in your shoes. They’re not your friends so you have no need to show willing.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/10/2017 13:52

Some of the posts on here help me to understand why, after a longterm relationship breakdown, the abandoned partner is often left out in the cold while the couples' friends move on with the leaver and his/her new partner.

Sometimes there isn't much of a "you don't know what goes on behind closed doors". Sometimes the left partner really has no clue that the leaver had any intention of leaving until they do. Because sometimes the leaver has never said anything! They've just steadily checked out of the relationship because they're not happy enough but they're also not interested in "fixing" it because they just want something different.

I've been in the OP's friend's position, and I was so grateful to the friends who stuck by me. Some of them did end up meeting the ex's new GF (who yes, he did leave me for, although he claimed there was no actual overlap - I don't believe this) but they remained loyal to me as friends and never gave up on me. Others dropped me like a hot brick - no loss in the long run, although it hurt at the time.

OP - stay true to your friend - she's going to need friends like you. Thanks

RosyWelshcakes · 31/10/2017 14:14

Some of the posts on here help me to understand why, after a longterm relationship breakdown, the abandoned partner is often left out in the cold while the couples' friends move on with the leaver and his/her new partner

Sometimes there isn't much of a "you don't know what goes on behind closed doors". Sometimes the left partner really has no clue that the leaver had any intention of leaving until they do. Because sometimes the leaver has never said anything! They've just steadily checked out of the relationship because they're not happy enough but they're also not interested in "fixing" it because they just want something different

I've been in the OP's friend's position, and I was so grateful to the friends who stuck by me. Some of them did end up meeting the ex's new GF (who yes, he did leave me for, although he claimed there was no actual overlap - I don't believe this) but they remained loyal to me as friends and never gave up on me. Others dropped me like a hot brick - no loss in the long run, although it hurt at the time

OP - stay true to your friend - she's going to need friends like you. thanks

Hear Hear.

Headofthehive55 · 31/10/2017 14:43

Some of us believe marriage is for life. Come hell or high water. Even when it doesn't suit.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/10/2017 17:18

Headofthehive, what does your post even mean? Do you think any couple or any one of any couple stand there saying their vows and not meaning them? Not thinking they're for life?

Just sounds very, very smug to me. You don't get to control another person and, if they stay with you for life, that's as much down to luck and compatibility and/or lack of alternatives as anything else.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 31/10/2017 18:32

Excellent post Witchesabroad.

And often the "there is more to this than people know" and its variations is just an easy phrase to absolve themselves from responsibility.