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Original poster

DH's best friend's new girlfriend....replacing my friend

132 replies

MrsOverTheRoad · 30/10/2017 21:24

DH's best friend has been married for twenty years and his wife is a good mate of mine.

He left her two months ago and has a new girlfriend...he met her online dating.

He seems over-obsessed with this woman and is jumping in head first. Meanwhile his wife is devestated. She's broken into two which is awful to see.

DH works with his friend and so will now and then mention this new woman casually "Oh X said he and Diana went to see that new film and it was great"

Kind of thing. Every time DH does this I get irrational annoyed though I say nothing.

I think it's awful! DH and his mate moving on like that...just accepting this new woman...like my friend is nothing.

I never want to invite this new woman around or anything...I can't imagine it!

OP posts:
RandomDreams · 31/10/2017 07:27

Husband needs to pick new friends.

Don't be an idiot, no he doesn't.

His friend is allowed to leave his wife, anyone is entitled to leave their partners if they want to.

MinervaSaidThar · 31/10/2017 07:32

Id also bet my right arm that he was online dating whilst married and left his wife when he found his current gf."

I agree with this. He had been scouting for some time.

If your DH is unjudgemental, he may be easily fooled by his friend.

Yogagirl123 · 31/10/2017 07:50

It is sad OP, I understand how you feel. I was in a similar situation a few years back DH friend/work colleague spilt up with his very long term girlfriend, she was lovely and we got on so well, I felt sorry for her but to be honest she was better off without him.

Bluntness100 · 31/10/2017 07:56

I think you should tell you dh how you feel. It’s far too soon for you to be hearing about the new girlfrend. You and your friend are devastated and you need time

What the hell. I have no words. You club the op in the same bracket as the wife?

The husband in this scenario deserves as much support as the wife. Marriages breaking up is two sided, especially when no one else involved as in this context.

So he now has a new girlfriend. Good for him, I doubt his marriage breaking up was easy. I’d suspect he was deeply unhappy. No one leaves a marriage for no reason as the wife is indicating. The ops husband is already saying there is more to it than she knows and supporting his friend. I’d ask my husband what that more was. I’d also trust his judgement, especially when he knows more than I do.

RosyWelshcakes · 31/10/2017 08:02

DH says "there's more to it than you know" about his reasons for leaving but I'd never ask and DH wouldn't say...DH says he was not unfaithful to my friend and I believe that

It sound like his friend is one big Cliche.

BarbarianMum · 31/10/2017 08:02

A friend of mine recently left her marriage to move in with a new partner. It wasn't nice to witness - husband and children gutted. It upset me and I wish it wasn't what she wanted but it was. She's still my friend, she's still a good mum, she's still the same person, she just wanted out of the relationship. So I've just had to accept it - can't insist she stays unhappily married just because it makes life more comfortable for the rest of us.

ElephantsandTigers · 31/10/2017 08:08

The priority is surely to make the left wife feel loved and supported by her friends, not offer immediate friendship to the new girlfriend. That isn't the same as punishing or rejecting the GF she may have done nothing wrong, we don't know she hadn't knowingly slept with the husband but it seems clear the wife has done nothing to be punished for.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/10/2017 08:10

I understand where you're coming from OP. That said, your husband has told you 'that there is more to it'. He's got his friend's side, you have your friend's side. Somewhere, in between lies the truth and that's between those two only. It's nobody else's business actually.

You're both sticking with your 'sides' of this couple and that's understandable, but both you and your husband have to deal with the present time situation as neither of you are privy to the broken marriage in detail.

What would be your position had your friend decided to leave her husband after 20 years, sad, bereft and devastated? Would your husband be imposing a 'silence' on you at any mention of your female friend? The other partner in the marriage? I doubt that he would yet he would probably remain as loyal to his friend as you are to yours.

Thinking of the new girlfriend well, you know nothing about her yet. Just that she has - in your eyes - taken your friend's 'place'. She hasn't. She's legitimately in a new relationship and she may be feeling quite wary through her own cognisance of the cold-shouldering that's being presented to her. Not nice. I'm not suggesting that she should be grasped to your bosom as a new friend - and perhaps she wouldn't appreciate that at all - but at the very least she deserves a 'clean slate'.

You sound like a fierce friend btw. :)Flowers

Polichinelle · 31/10/2017 08:10

Id also bet my right arm that he was online dating whilst married and left his wife when he found his current gf."

We have absolutely no way of knowing this. I created an OLD account just a couple of days after my husband left me. I had not started before but it helped me move on. Everybody has a different way of coping, and this man might have simply done that after years of unhappiness.

Having said that, if you don't want to hear about the new GF, just tell your DH. I'm sure he can avoid the subject knowing that it upsets you

ShatnersWig · 31/10/2017 08:16

Well said Lying

thatdearoctopus · 31/10/2017 08:25

Why don't people actually read what the OP has written. She has said several times that she would be polite to this new girlfriend if they meet, so why all the accusations of "shunning" and "cold-shouldering?"
She's reluctant to be seen to air-brush her friend out of the picture when in a foursome unlike the husband. What's wrong with that?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 31/10/2017 08:32

I understand where you're coming from OP. That said, your husband has told you 'that there is more to it'. He's got his friend's side, you have your friend's side. Somewhere, in between lies the truth and that's between those two only. It's nobody else's business actually

Completely agree. Neither the OP nor her DH actually know what has happened.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/10/2017 08:35

thatdearoctopus, I've read OP's post fine, thanks. My interpretation (if that's ok with you?) is that she is unwilling to accept an 'interloper' who has taken her friend's place. Polite can be cordial or positively glacial. I know this.

OP's friend will probably be upset for quite a while and in the meantime, life will go on around her. If foursomes were the 'thing' in this friendship group then that will need to change somehow.

QueenLetizia · 31/10/2017 08:39

Fairly recently I heard the ''more to it than you know'' line from a man who was friendly with the man in a couple who'd split. I later found out that the more to it than I knew was that she had difficulty forgetting about his first affair. It affected their sex life. Which was the main thing you see! their home, their kids, her pain, all secondary to his need to have the same sex life as before she discovered her affair. So he had another affair and felt aggrieved when strangers raised an eyebrow. He said in his defense, meaning it, ''there's more to this than you know''. He felt hard done by.

I'm not friends with any of them any more and never knew the wife but if she had been my friend I would have been loyal to her if I damn well wanted to be. Even if it inconvenienced my husband or his friend.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 31/10/2017 08:42

I'd be honest with your husband about your feelings of not wanting to hear about their comings and goings.

Same here - I wouldn't care if the pair of them lived or died - neither of them would be of any interest to me and I couldn't make them welcome or feign an interest in their doings.

Sometimes relationships break down, and usually at least one person is hurt, but from what you are saying it seems that your friend had no idea that er husband's feelings had changed - he had just gone online dating for some sort of thrill, and now he has become obsessed.

He had no right to play the field - he is a twat. I hope this woman chews him up and spits him out, and that when she does your friend is strong enough to tell him to sod off if he tries to worm his way back.

I can't stand lies and deceit.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 31/10/2017 08:44

I hope there are better things in store for your friend, hopefully, she too will find love again. It's always sad, when longstanding friends break up, but with respect, lovely though I'm sure your friend truly is, you don't know the hard facts, or his side of the story. I time you may be able to accept the new girlfriend. 💐 For your friend OP.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 31/10/2017 08:46

''there's more to this than you know''. He felt hard done by.

It can mean many things though. My DH friend said it people when he split from his exW. People thought they were an ideal couple and he was wrong to leave.

Yes there was more to it. It turns out she had affairs and they actually divorced in the end on those grounds.

No one knows what goes on in others relationships.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 31/10/2017 08:48

Same here - I wouldn't care if the pair of them lived or died - neither of them would be of any interest to me and I couldn't make them welcome or feign an interest in their doings.

OTT much Hmm

thatdearoctopus · 31/10/2017 08:49

I too have heard the "you don't know the full story" line over the years. And then, on hearing that full story subsequently, found out that there wasn't anything much to justify the actions taken. Not just talking about marriage breakdowns here (which are. Puns to be complex), but other situations, usually when people want to shut down debate.

Headofthehive55 · 31/10/2017 08:57

You don't need on welcome her. Your DH and his mate can still remain friends but it doesn't need to include you.

I refuse to entertain a family member who left her husband unkindly. I lost respect for her and no longer wish to be in her company. So I don't. I have no need to.

Headofthehive55 · 31/10/2017 08:59

I agree with octopus

Bambamrubblesmum · 31/10/2017 09:01

Not just talking about marriage breakdowns here (which are. Puns to be complex), but other situations, usually when people want to shut down debate.

To be fair their relationship isn't actually anyone else's business so shouldn't be up for debate.

Being overly polite and formal will send a very passive aggressive message to the new GF and your DHs friend.

Difficult situation OP but I think eventually you're going to have to soften a little as it could affect their friendship. It's not a problem that's going to go away so you'll have to deal with it sooner or later.

cordelia16 · 31/10/2017 09:02

OP, I would tell your DH that for the time being, given that your close friend is hurting and so are you for her sake, you don't want to hear any stories/news about the new couple. You don't have to put a time limit on this. If the GF stays a permanent part of DH's friend's life, and enough time has passed for your friend to not be as devastated, then perhaps you can take an interest.

No one has the right to tell you that you need to hear about their lives. It's your choice. I would hope that DH would understand your position here.

In the meantime, look after your friend. She's lucky to have you Flowers

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/10/2017 09:03

octopus but truly, you don't know what's going on in other situations, not unless you're one of the parties involved?

tiggytape · 31/10/2017 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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