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Original poster

DH's best friend's new girlfriend....replacing my friend

132 replies

MrsOverTheRoad · 30/10/2017 21:24

DH's best friend has been married for twenty years and his wife is a good mate of mine.

He left her two months ago and has a new girlfriend...he met her online dating.

He seems over-obsessed with this woman and is jumping in head first. Meanwhile his wife is devestated. She's broken into two which is awful to see.

DH works with his friend and so will now and then mention this new woman casually "Oh X said he and Diana went to see that new film and it was great"

Kind of thing. Every time DH does this I get irrational annoyed though I say nothing.

I think it's awful! DH and his mate moving on like that...just accepting this new woman...like my friend is nothing.

I never want to invite this new woman around or anything...I can't imagine it!

OP posts:
NotSureIfiAmWell · 30/10/2017 23:07

OP - l am the equivalent of the wife in this situation and l thank you for your loyalty and friendship.

I was left for another woman. My friends have been loyal. However a couple of mutual friends haven't been and have "liked" their Facebook photo's. This hurts a great deal especially as they know what he did.

Punkatheart · 30/10/2017 23:12

I think that if people haven't been through it, NotSureifiAmWell, it is hard to understand. So sorry that you were hurt and I am glad that you have a good friend network - it makes such a difference.

Original poster
MrsOverTheRoad · 30/10/2017 23:13

NotSure yes I can't imagine! We all have memories of them as a couple...I can't just move past them and say "Oh well, this is his partner now!"

OP posts:
Punkatheart · 30/10/2017 23:18

You have empathy and depth of feeling, Mrs. The world is harsher though and much more superficial. Just keep being you and giving your friend support...

anothermalteserplease · 30/10/2017 23:24

It’s only a few months since he broke up with his wife of 20 years. I don’t blame you for feeling strange about it OP.

TwentyFive · 30/10/2017 23:27

Some friends of ours split up just over a year ago. She was ill and that coincided with him being particularly demanding and needy. They were living apart because of her commitments and that didn't help.

We expected them to get back together but he spent a while sleeping around, and telling her about it Shock - to be fair he was in a mess because they had split up but it seemed like an especially shitty thing to do. He wanted her to stop being ill Sad and of course she wasn't able to do that. She is much improved though and felt able to work on their relationship - only to find she was too late. He has already moved on. It is terribly sad.

But DH has no qualms about liking his smug - "look at me doing the things we planned together with my new gf" posts on social media.

I just find them too upsetting and find I can't get past that.

MrLovebucket · 30/10/2017 23:30

Your DH's friend has every right to move on. Your DH should be the one to have more consideration for your feelings about your friend.

Every time she's mentioned just reply "she sounds like a cunt" then your DH might get the message and stop mentioning her. He sounds a bit of an arse if he doesn't understand why you'd be hurt.

LTB.

QueenLetizia · 30/10/2017 23:40

I'm like you OP. I"m loyal. I don't sit on fences. I'm not saying I'd be unpleasant to the new gf, as none of this bullshit is her doing but I wouldn't suddenly invite her round or seek out the new couple's company. Brew to you for being more than a fairweather friend. We all need friends who are there for us even when it's not 'easy' or convenient.

splendidisolation · 30/10/2017 23:43

Whatever you do, you do have to be nice and welcoming to the new gf. It's not her fault. She's just a woman living her life like the rest of us.

Original poster
MrsOverTheRoad · 31/10/2017 00:12

I would never be rude to the new girlfriend. She's not done anything wrong...just met a new man. It's not her fault and if I do (accidentally) meet her, I'll be polite.

But I won't be inviting him round to my house with her.

If DH wanted to, then I'd have to reconsider but the invitation wouldn't come from me...and I'd not be anything other than formal.

OP posts:
FrustratedTeddyLamp · 31/10/2017 00:28

So you would punish her for being with a new man? As you wouldn’t be welcoming because she’s his girlfriend

Original poster
MrsOverTheRoad · 31/10/2017 00:48

Teddy no I wouldn't "punish" her. If DH really wanted to ask her over with his friend, then I would be polite.

That's all though.

I don't owe her friendship.

OP posts:
stolemyusername · 31/10/2017 01:47

Oh wow, poor GF. She’s done nothing wrong at all but is being shunned by her new partners friends for not being his ex wife.

Do you think that the friend should have stayed in a relationship he was unhappy in so that you can all carry on as normal? Leaving his wife can’t have been an easy decision to make and as his friend your DH is doing the right thing in supporting him.

You can be supportive to both you know.

auntBessiesAreAwful · 31/10/2017 03:26

You're being unreasonable although not as much as other misandrist posts.

Why should the man have stayed in a marriage he didn't want to?

Why should your husband find new friends?

Will you shun any new boy friend of your friend's?

As always, the man-hating on MN is evident.

Timefortea99 · 31/10/2017 03:50

I think that also the fact that the man has moved on so quickly and that your DH has also readily accepted their new relationship so quickly can be unsettling to your own relationship- like women are disposable and easily replaceable. You sound like a loyal and supportive friend, and your DH is likewise to his friend. I think time is key here. I would not be comfortable socialising with him and his new gf either - too new and raw and hurtful to your friend. But given time, that may change as things settle, and hopefully your friend is able to close the door on a hurtful situation.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/10/2017 03:58

YANBU to be upset.
Your friend is in pieces - your sympathies are, of course, with her.
Your DH might have inside knowledge that you don't, OR his mate might have just done the old classic history re-write to make himself look better.

Either way, whether "Diana" is the OW or just a new GF, 2 months is awfully quick after destroying a 20 year relationship!

You probably will end up having to see/meet her, but a decent time interval should be allowed! 2m isn't, IMO. 6m, maybe. After all, "Diana" might not even be around in 6m time! So why hurt your friend by seeing her before then?

Talk to your DH about it and say that you don't want to hear about "Diana" at the moment. That's fair enough. He doesn't need to tell you.

Original poster
MrsOverTheRoad · 31/10/2017 04:02

AuntBessie I never said he should have stayed and I CERTAINLY never said DH had to find new friends.

As always, there are people on here who must be so bored, they make crap up to entertain themselves! Grin

I do agree Thumb that it seems extremely soon. He's apparently
in love with this woman...though it's been hardly any time at all.

OP posts:
auntBessiesAreAwful · 31/10/2017 04:12

The comments weren't all from you but they're very strange nonetheless.

Admittedly, my life is much less like East Enders than many but the thing about MN is you don't have to make anything up.

Your husbands friend sounds pathetic!

Husband needs to pick new friends.

her DH sounds like a nob,

You know dickhead is his mate

I wouldn't want anything to do with him

Every time she's mentioned just reply "she sounds like a cunt"

your DH has also readily accepted their new relationship so quickly can be unsettling to your own relationship- like women are disposable and easily replaceable

The last one's amazing. So, do you now trust your DH less? Feel unsettled?

malificent7 · 31/10/2017 06:42

Well yes..everyone is entitled to leave a marriage and find a new dp almist straight away but that dosnt mean we should expect the dumpee to get over it.
im with you op...id hate to see my friend in bits and i would be loyal.
i cant believe that all the posters who think yabu would say to a good friend 'marriages break up all the time...get over it. ' FGS

Id also bet my right arm that he was online dating whilst married and left his wife when he found his current gf.

malificent7 · 31/10/2017 06:45

I would be annoyed with your dh for being less tactful and ask him not to talk about the new couple.
Id also remind him that yhe ex is in bits. You have taken both taken sides.

I think id question your dhs values snd integrity but most of all his friend's integrity.

malificent7 · 31/10/2017 06:52

And i dont think you do owe the new gf your time or friendship tbh.
Ok...it's not her fault.So what? Why should you immediately accept a couple you don't approve of.

There are several couples who i avoid as they got together through cheating, moved on too fast, upset a close friend.....too wrapped up in their own selfish 'lurve' bubble.

containsSpoilers · 31/10/2017 07:05

"Id also bet my right arm that he was online dating whilst married and left his wife when he found his current gf."

Based on anything other than sexism?

PerpendicularVincent · 31/10/2017 07:10

I think if you'd mentioned that the new girlfriend liked to park across your drive, you'd get some very different responses, Mrs.

YANBU, I think how you are feeling is normal. Having seen how upset your friend is, it's only natural to have difficulties with this, despite the new partner presumably not being the reason for the break up.

If you meet her, be polite - you don't have to be close friends, and you don't owe her that.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/10/2017 07:10

I think you should tell you dh how you feel. It’s far too soon for you to be hearing about the new girlfrend. You and your friend are devastated and you need time. Not to have the situation pushed regularly in your face.

InfiniteCurve · 31/10/2017 07:24

Id also bet my right arm that he was online dating whilst married and left his wife when he found his current gf."

Based on anything other than sexism?

Based on the fact that he left his wife two months ago,which is no time at all.I'd think the same if the wife had left.Also - she (his wife) had no idea they had problems,so he hadn't spoken to her at all about the fact that he was unhappy,he just upped and left.