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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want a house guest at the same time as my baby is due?

122 replies

Lorraine265 · 30/10/2017 20:07

Who IBU?

I am due to give birth to DS2 in 3 weeks. My DH wants his cousin to come stay with us at the same time as she’s has just got a job in the uk. She is in her mid twenties and currently lives in Paris.

I don’t want her to stay when I have just had a baby but my DH thinks I am being unreasonable. He has stated that i never want to help his family out. When I stated that I simply expect to be put first having a baby he replied that it’s not a competition and i should not be bitter. If I don’t let her stay I would effectively be making her homeless ( his words).

On a practical note we live in a 2 bedroom flat and it would mean that ds 1 would need to sleep in our room with us and the baby. I suffered with depression after having ds1 and really don’t think this will be good for me.

So who IBU?

OP posts:

Teddy1970 · 30/10/2017 21:36

So, 3 of you squashed in one room with a newborn waking every couple of hours and possibly waking DS1, whilst the cousin gets a room to herself in the peace and quiet? Erm, I don't think so! Your H being a right knob..

MummySparkle · 30/10/2017 21:39

YADNBU!

If the job starts a month before you’re due maybe offer her to stay on the sofa for a fortnight with a strict proviso that if there are any pregnancy complications or baby comes early then she has to be out

demirose87 · 30/10/2017 21:40

Why on earth is he putting his cousin's needs before yours? Does he not realise having a baby is likely to make you feel exhausted, self conscious and hornonal? Having an extra person around the place is just added pressure you don't need. This should be a time for you to be bonding with your baby and resting at home while getting used to your new family dynamic, not stepping round someone else in your own home. Tell him NO and don't take no for an answer.

demirose87 · 30/10/2017 21:40

BewareOfDragons · 30/10/2017 21:44

I'm glad you showed him the thread; I think your DH needs a serious wake up call about where his priorities should lie,

Cousin is a grown up who managed to find herself a new job in a new country all by herself. I'm sure she can sort her own living accommodations out, too. SHeeesh.

You, otoh, need a lot of support with a toddler and a new baby on the way ... especially since you had issues with depression last time ... you don't need idiocy and stress like this from your own DH!

Turkkadin · 30/10/2017 22:53

Us Brits would see this as a completely unreasonable request but in other cultures it is very normal to put relatives up at a moments notice and for how ever long they fancy staying! My husband, who is Turkush by the way, had a young friend of the family come to England to live.
Naturally, as husband was one of the few people she knew in England, was asked if she could come and live with us and our new baby!
Husband actually ran it past me thinking I might be nuts enough to have actually considered it! He reasoning being that he didn't want anyone back home thinking he hadn't helped a fellow countryman!

Neolara · 30/10/2017 22:55

Does he remember what having a new born is like? He's being very silly.

BlackberryandNettle · 30/10/2017 23:03

Yanbu. Your husband must be crazy to lumber you with a house guest in a flat with a newborn. Unbelievable that he'd ask you to do that knowing that you'd suffered depression after first baby also very unfair to disrupt your toddler and expect him to put up with all the newborn wakeups

Theresamayscough · 30/10/2017 23:55

Mmm yes the cultures where women are told to put up and shut up andwait hand and foot in the guest while the man does fuck all.

BlondeB83 · 30/10/2017 23:59

I may have thought he was just stupid had this been your first but being your second, he is an inconsiderate twat.

Apollo440 · 31/10/2017 00:03

Well he listened, so that is good. As a bloke I can say that the second child was a wake up call, I can barely remember the first 6 months we were so tired. With the first one it seemed like I really wasn't required, it really was like an occasional hobby, my wife was fully immersed in baby groups, meeting friends for lunch and basically having a wonderful time. DS1 was 18 months when DS2 arrived and despite DS2 being a 'good' baby it was like they were playing tag with us and ensuring we got no rest. I like to think I stepped up to the mark (despite being unprepared) and I hope and trust your DH will do likewise. My absolute top tip is make sure you both aren't tired at the same time. I did the last feed at 11pm which allowed my wife to go to bed at 8pm and get 6 - 7hrs sleep. Doesn't sound much but it kept her sane!

So both of you, look after each other and enjoy the new addition.

LouHotel · 31/10/2017 00:06

I'm presuming that OP is unlikely to post again as DH now knows about this thread.

Dear OP's husband.

Hopefully your actually a nice person who was having a monumental dickhead moment, it happen sometimes.

I would hope the collective ball kicking youve had in this thread has not only made you see sense but your not now sulking in the corner like a petulant teenager.

Maybe tomorrow do something nice for your wife.

Yours sincerly

The entire female population of mumsnet

MrSnrubYesThatsIt · 31/10/2017 05:34

Your DH is a total knob.
Please show him this thread again so he can see what a complete prick he is.

April229 · 31/10/2017 05:41

What an Earth is he thinking?

You don’t have the space apart from anything else - and you are not in a position to host. If he’s so concerned perhaps he can have her over and you and ds1 can go and stay at your mums.

DameSquashalot · 31/10/2017 05:43

Great result!

Ginglealltheway · 31/10/2017 05:44

I wish my first born experience was all baby groups, meeting friends for lunch and basically having a wonderful time.

NotAgainYoda · 31/10/2017 05:53

Appollo

Have you asked you wife whether she was indeed having a lovely time?

What might have looked like a lovely time might have consisted of a desperate desire for company, staving of anxiety and depression and wondering where her life was going whilst everyone else's was continuing as normal. Alongside some lovely times. Hope not.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 31/10/2017 06:02

As OP states that she had PND after her first I think it is unlikely that she was fully immersed in baby groups, meeting friends for lunch and basically having a wonderful time.

Theresamayscough · 31/10/2017 06:59

Going to baby groups and basically hsvjng a wonderful time actually doesn’t make sense.

CamperVamp · 31/10/2017 08:05

I had an untraumatic time as a new Mum, meeting people for lunch etc, but would not have wanted house guests when expecting and bringing home a new baby. I needed privacy, to feel as if I was in my nest. Visitors, fine, but not sharing a bathroom or needing to be polite whilst spending hours on the sofa getting a latch established or whatever.

It is such an intimate time.

Will your DH be home on paternity leave?

londonrach · 31/10/2017 08:08

No. seriously why on earth would she want to be there with a new baby overnight. No no no no....suggest local hotel, travel lodge....

TenForward82 · 31/10/2017 09:07

When a poster on MN starts with "As a bloke..." you can pretty much guarantee they are going to then say something monumentally stupid. "It was a part-time hobby" pretty much sums up most bloke's attitude to fatherhood.

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