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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get friend a wedding present?

80 replies

Whosamawotsits · 30/10/2017 17:36

I am bridesmaid very soon for a close friend of mine, my Ds is page boy.

So far I have spent a fortune on the hen do, decorating my house, feeding 5 girls, drinks on a night out, paying for brides place on a spa day because maid of honor is useless forgot.

I have spent £90 on bridesmaid dress, £75 for suit hire for Ds for the day, £60 on shoes for the both of us, a bag and a shawl. £65 for a room for the night (venue is a fair distance away), I have refused to pay £100 to have hair and make up done by whoever is coming- I'll just do them myself, then I'm going to need money for drinks on the evening aswell.

Would I be unreasonable not to buy the happy couple a wedding gift or give money as requested in one of those cheesy wonderful poems in the invitation. I'm broke and the amount I could afford to give would be nothing less than an insult, but worried I'd be coming across as an awful friend if I got them nothing Sad

OP posts:
Idontevencareanymore · 30/10/2017 17:38

I'd probably go with a nice photo frame or something rather than nothing.
Although I really struggle with this expectation for gifts for weddings.

Maybe speak to your friend?

lunar1 · 30/10/2017 17:38

Bloody hell, send her an invoice never mind a gift! Why on earth are you paying out for clothes dictated by someone else?

inchyrablue · 30/10/2017 17:39

YANBU and hopefully someone will pop along soon with some words for you to use when telling your friend. I really don’t understand any bride asking someone to pay for a bridesmaid dress, though it seems increasingly common!

Hisnamesblaine · 30/10/2017 17:39

A normal bride realising what you've spent would never expect anything in my opinion. Having said that is she the grabby sort of person?

Sarahh2014 · 30/10/2017 17:39

Just get them a lovely card I doubt they'd mind and so what if they did it's the gesture that counts and it's doubtful they'd mention it to you

xhannahx · 30/10/2017 17:40

I think a card and a small gift will avoid any hard feelings, although I totally get why you feel you shouldn't need to.

Maybe a bottle of cheap prosecco and a card, that's what I would do.

noeffingidea · 30/10/2017 17:41

No, of course you're not. If you can't afford it then that's all there is to it.

BenLui · 30/10/2017 17:42

I’m really appalled you had to pay for your dress.

Just send them a nice card. They probably won’t even notice you didn’t get them a gift.

Original poster
Whosamawotsits · 30/10/2017 17:45

It was just expected of me to pay for these things, in all honesty had I known it was going to cost me this much I would have politely turned down the invitation of being bridesmaid!
I've made sure everything I have bought accessories wise is something I will wear/use again so as not to feel like I've completely thrown a ton of money up the wall.
Although she isn't very materialistic she loves gifts, however she can be very ungrateful too which is another reason I'm hesitant to spend more of the already very little money I have!

OP posts:
tigerdog · 30/10/2017 17:46

I personally think it’s pretty unreasonable to make bridesmaids pick up the tab for their specified outfits - I would have been so embarrassed at making any friends cover that sort of expense.

Given what you’ve spent on top of that, a token gift like a nice frame would be a good choice. I recently bought a lovely wooden one from Etsy which I had engraved with the names and wedding date. I’m sure it wasn’t more than £20 including postage.

LushBlitzer · 30/10/2017 17:49

Firstly I feel for you. It is a lot of money to have spent already! But look at it not as sunk costs... you could re-wear the shoes / bag dress?

Why not get them something really thoughtful but cheap, like a photo scrap book, a photo in a frame or print of the venue / where they met / favourite song lyrics etc. I reckon you can do that for under £20.

Original poster
Whosamawotsits · 30/10/2017 17:54

Thanks for the advice guys!
Will have a look see if I can find a nice little keepsake for them, could have cried at the thought of having to fork another fortune out as a gift Blush

OP posts:
HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 30/10/2017 17:54

Actually I would agree in your situation that no gift or even card is needed! It makes me very cross when brides expect others to pay for anything to do with their wedding. In contrast my 3 bridesmaids had dresses, shoes accessories, rooms (if required) covered by me the bride as it was me asking them to come. They also received gifts from myself and my husband on the day as a thank you for being part of our wedding. There is no way you should be paying for any of it but unfortunately you already have so please for the love of all that is just don't be suckered into buying them anything not even a little token gift.

LondonGirl83 · 30/10/2017 18:01

A card and a small gift and also tell your friend you prioritised participating in the wedding over a gift as you can't do both

grannysmiff · 30/10/2017 18:01

They requested money? Twats.

Abouttoblow · 30/10/2017 18:05

You paid for your dress? Confused

I've been a bridesmaid/MoH on numerous occasions and never once have I been expected to do that.

If you really feel obligated to give a gift of make it a small gesture, nothing more.

ZenNudist · 30/10/2017 18:06

I would not buy a present. Maybe bottle of aldi champagne at a pinch.

She better get you a good bridesmaid gift!!

troodiedoo · 30/10/2017 18:06

Being bridesmaid is a job these days. So you should not be out of pocket. Boss should cover reasonable expenses like dress. Paying for brides spa and food is your gift. Just get a cheap card.

dinosaurkisses · 30/10/2017 18:10

I second Not On the Highstreet- a few years ago when DH and I were saving for our own wedding we got invited to a friends big day at short notice. I ordered them a print of the lyrics to their first dance and a frame from Ikea - voila! A thoughtful present for less than £20

Original poster
Whosamawotsits · 30/10/2017 18:11

I know for a fact I'm not getting a gift, only maid of honor and best man are getting them, this was told to me whilst I was hemming her table cloths.......

...... Yeah I'm definitely not getting them anything. My presence is gift enough Wink

OP posts:
ThisMeans · 30/10/2017 18:14

drinks on a night out, paying for brides place on a spa day

why did you have to pay for this?

why weren't you reimbursed for spa day - did bride expect you to pay for her Confused

TheWernethWife · 30/10/2017 18:15

In "Say Yes to the Dress", American bridesmaids always pay for their own dress, probably that's why they argue a lot about the dress the bride chooses for them.

Hisnamesblaine · 30/10/2017 18:16

I've never been to a wedding were only the maid of honour got a gift. Generally every "ON" the wedding received gifts. Ladies and flower girls generally necklaces or bracelets. And the grooms men cufflinks and the like. Do you know what the MOH it's getting out of interest?

gigi556 · 30/10/2017 18:21

Weddings are often very expensive even when you aren't in the wedding party. It's really depressing when you can't afford it all as you just want to be happy for the couple and have a good time. I would get a card and something inexpensive like his and her mugs or something engraved with the date as others have suggested. Etsy.com is great. Tkmaxx also have nice gifts for not too much dosh.

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