To not get friend a wedding present?

[Whosamawotsits]

I am bridesmaid very soon for a close friend of mine, my Ds is page boy.

So far I have spent a fortune on the hen do, decorating my house, feeding 5 girls, drinks on a night out, paying for brides place on a spa day because maid of honor is useless forgot.

I have spent £90 on bridesmaid dress, £75 for suit hire for Ds for the day, £60 on shoes for the both of us, a bag and a shawl. £65 for a room for the night (venue is a fair distance away), I have refused to pay £100 to have hair and make up done by whoever is coming- I'll just do them myself, then I'm going to need money for drinks on the evening aswell.

Would I be unreasonable not to buy the happy couple a wedding gift or give money as requested in one of those cheesy wonderful poems in the invitation. I'm broke and the amount I could afford to give would be nothing less than an insult, but worried I'd be coming across as an awful friend if I got them nothing

How about a bauble for the Christmas tree with personalised sticker ( £1 off amazon) Mr and Mrs grabby's 2017 first Christmas"

A skint friend bought us personalised wooden heart for our wedding we loved it and thought it was v thoughtful

Brides pay for bridesmaids dresses

Unless it's something you'd wear again, wrap up your bridesmaid dress for her as your present, but make sure you spill red wine over it and tread on the heal while you're tramping through some mud in it - so she can't sell it on. Label it "I thought you'd like this as a souvenir of your day. It's more expensive than anything else I thought about getting you, and must hold precious memories..."

Or say, "oh I thought we weren't doing presents, only the best man and matron of honour were..."

Or tell her the tablecloth hems were her present.

(The list of replies is endless, she is so indebted to you, even though she's too selfish to realise!)

She sounds awful. I'd have fallen out with her and pulled out by now!

It's your dress. If it hasn't been altered, I would seriously consider returning it and any accessories/shoes I'd bought for a refund and tell her you can't afford to be a bridesmaid, so you'd rather attend as a guest wishing them well.

Her reaction will tell you whether or not you even want to attend as a guest, let alone maintain the friendship.

That’s awful you’ve had to spend so much. Every time I’ve been a bridesmaid, the dress and shoes have been bought for me and then was my choice whether to pay for hair and makeup to be done or we’d do our own.
When we got married we paid for all outfits. Only on mumsnet have I heard of people having to buy their own bridesmaids dresses/pay for suit hire.

Weddings are just becoming more and more grabby. Couples trying to spend as little as they can on their guests whilst raking it in on the gifts.

I think you need to have a chat to the bride and tell her that although it hadn’t been your intention, you can now only get her a v small token gift as the whole thing has cost x amount so far.

Card with cheesy ditty itemising all you’ve already spent on her

How have you maintained a friendship with this person? If she expected you to pay for all the stuff you have done so far then she will be expecting a gift as well. I am not sure you are going to get through the rest of the wedding without damage to the relationship if it’s not already damaged already.

Agree with a PP to write in the card that you hope she enjoyed the spa day and that was your gift to her. Did she not even offer the money for her share of the hen do? In my opinion if the B&G can't afford to pay for their wedding party then they need to scale back their wedding so they can afford it. Why do they think you should have to spend your money on essentially an all day party that is for them?

If I was braver I'd do what another pp said and return everything if at all possible and just attend as a guest.

I agree a v small sentimental present is all you need. A poem or photo or some such in an IKEA frame will be personal but budget priced.

Since when has it become ok to expect your bridesmaids to pay for their own dress? I think it’s beyond cheeky! You’re basically saying “I would like you to be a part of my day but you need to pay for it.”
I think it’s fine not to get a gift after all the expense so far.

I would give her something small as others have suggested, like a frame or something but I would definitely say something regarding paying for the outfits.

I find that couples' are getting really rude in adopting this attitude that guests should pay for their extravagant wedding/outfits/hen/gifts/drinks and should basically just be grateful to be part of their special day. Very insolent.

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Emma,perhaps you should try to get an emergency gp appt or try oohrs clinic

Emma
You need to get an out of hours appointment. You sound quite unwell and need antibiotics.* If you phone 111 they can arrange an appointment.* Is there an urgent care centre near you? They open until 9/10pm

The thing is, if you give her a frame or sentimental gift, she'll be one of those whingers who come on here and moan about how they didn't get what they asked for and wwaaaa! It's such a waste of money not to just give me money because that's what I want, dammit! Some of these entitled twats even tell the giver their gift was shite and they binned it or charity shopped it. You already know she's an ungrateful bitch, all she did was prove she thinks the world revolves round her and so doesn't even bat an eyelid at demanding money for dresses, shoes, hair and makeup, expect everyone to dance round her and then demand money from them all, too, as a gift.

This has been an expensive lesson to you, OP. The second she blithely announced, 'Give me 90 quid whenever' was your cue. 'Oh, dear, I'm so sorry I misunderstood. I thought the bride paid for the dresses and shoes. I'm afraid this is a bit beyond my budget so I'll need to back out now.'

Don't waste another penny on her. All she'll do is throw out anything that isn't cold, hard cash. You don't owe her an explanation, either.

Get her a card to throw out.

Bet you London to a brick she'll either call you out on it or drop you. Good riddance at any rate.

Oh, and fuck paying for drinks, too. Sneak in a flask of gin and top up tonic water in the lav.

That’s not how being s bridesmaid is meant to work! The only thing off your list you should have paid for is the room, and maybe your drinks and acccessories.

She’s had a good £300 off you, if not more. That’s a really generous wedding present right there!

How do the other bridesmaids feel?

Some people came to my wedding and didn't give me a gift, I honestly, couldn't have given a shit, was just glad they came.

Can I just say that from now on I'm going to use the phrase; 'And I'm stuck picking cock confetti off every surface of my house''..as my go-to expression of choice for when I am quite unhappy?

A thread after my own heart. My DFriend is getting married this summer. So far we’ve been charged with/told to budget for:

Dress- £70
Accomodation- €280 (two nights as we have to pay for a room for the “rehearsal” dinner the night before )
Nails as a fun bonding exercise- €30
Hen the weekend before, which she wants in v expensive city- €200+
Petrol to the exclusive rural venue they’re hiring (with the exception of the actual guest accomodation obvs- see above)- £60

I’m waiting to be asked for a contribution towards hair and makeup tbh. Bearing in mind I got married this year and all she had to pay for was a pair of shoes (or use some she had) to go with the dress and remember to bring a pair of knickers, I’m getting pretty hacked off. She comes from a very “proper” family so we’re shocked at what we’re having to fork out for and the amounts involved. Have the wedding you can afford ffs.

'I’m getting pretty hacked off. She comes from a very “proper” family so we’re shocked at what we’re having to fork out for and the amounts involved.'

So don't pander to it. You agree to go to the wedding. That's it. Make up excuses. She's not your boss. You don't have to agree to any of her demands. 'I'm really sorry, but this is way out of my budget and so I can't make it.' I can guarantee that she'll want you to pay for her honeymoon, too, via a cash 'gift'.

I paid for both my bridesmaids' dresses and we all went looking together to ensure they were happy with what they were wearing! I'd never ask a friend to be my bridesmaid and then say "that'll be £300, please!" Bloody cheek.

CraicDealer, why not just decline the 'honour' of being a bridesmaid?!

Seriously, some of these entitled, demanding brides need to grow the fuck up!

craic so £600 - up to £700 with presents/makeup etc? I'd be saying no thanks, certainly to the hen do.

Totally agree. Have the wedding you - and your friends - can afford.

Tbf. They'll get that many gifts they'll forget who's given them what, so just sneak a card in! It's not like they'll say "And where was your present?!" (Although it sounds like some people are cheeky enough to go through it with a fine toothed comb! We just opened our gifts - no list etc told everyone not to bother- the morning after and sent out the Thank you'd!)