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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not get friend a wedding present?

80 replies

Whosamawotsits · 30/10/2017 17:36

I am bridesmaid very soon for a close friend of mine, my Ds is page boy.

So far I have spent a fortune on the hen do, decorating my house, feeding 5 girls, drinks on a night out, paying for brides place on a spa day because maid of honor is useless forgot.

I have spent £90 on bridesmaid dress, £75 for suit hire for Ds for the day, £60 on shoes for the both of us, a bag and a shawl. £65 for a room for the night (venue is a fair distance away), I have refused to pay £100 to have hair and make up done by whoever is coming- I'll just do them myself, then I'm going to need money for drinks on the evening aswell.

Would I be unreasonable not to buy the happy couple a wedding gift or give money as requested in one of those cheesy wonderful poems in the invitation. I'm broke and the amount I could afford to give would be nothing less than an insult, but worried I'd be coming across as an awful friend if I got them nothing

OP posts:

livefornaps · 30/10/2017 18:22

Poor you, sounds awful!

You've done enough.

Hemming her bloody table cloths, are you serious?!

Stop with all these little extra favours right now. You'll just end up running yourself into the ground and resenting her.

Besides the dress, I absolutely cannot believe she was going to make you pay for hair and makeup too! So now you just have to do it yourself?!

Is there even a single perk to any of this?

It sounds like a very expensive chore.

ArcheryAnnie · 30/10/2017 18:22

I think if she asks where her gift from you is, tell her it was the spa day, which you paid for.

Santawontbelong · 30/10/2017 18:23

Print off a picture of you all in your splendour!!

livefornaps · 30/10/2017 18:26

If I were you, I would let her know before "the big day" that you will not be offering a substantial gift, just so you don't feel anxious about it. A simple text to say - just want you to know so there are no surprises, I really can't afford a cash contribution to your day. Really looking forward to being there though"

She can't say anything to that

nutbrownhare15 · 30/10/2017 18:28

Ooh yes, put in the card hope you enjoyed the spa day to make it clear THAT was her present

Original poster

Whosamawotsits · 30/10/2017 18:32

@Santawontbelong best idea I've heard so far hahah

I didn't mind the sewing, something I find therapeutic! MoH is getting jewellery, Best Man is getting cufflinks. Meanwhile I'm stuck picking cock confetti off every surface in my house

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 30/10/2017 18:32

Jesus wept! The more I read of this bridezilla, the more I'm wondering why you are friends with such a selfish cow in the first place. Come on, she had you all stumping up for her, hemming her fucking tablecloths, tells you that you are not getting a bridesmaid gift then has the brass neck to expect a cash gift? She's got more front than Tesco.

FUCK getting her something thoughtful from Etsy or NotOnTheHighStreet.

Just give her a card.

If she balks, cut her loose! She's showing you her true colours as a bratty pisstaker.

And make sure you try to stand in all the photos so the photo will look stupid if they try to photoshop you out.

I'd consider losing a 'friend' like this a blessing.

ArcheryAnnie · 30/10/2017 18:32

If I were you, I would let her know before "the big day" that you will not be offering a substantial gift, just so you don't feel anxious about it

I still favour the OP letting the bride know she has already been given a substantial gift!

bunbunny · 30/10/2017 18:38

Keep an eye out for a nice shiny penny with this year's date on. Put it in a cheap little frame with some trite nice words about it being a lucky penny for their marriage so it looks like a thing.

Then you have given them money but just a penny is quite pointed but it's nice too as it's for good luck. And it's very cheap!!

Handsfull13 · 30/10/2017 18:38

I would get your Ds to make them something and even just wrap in paper and let he decorate that aswell. No one can complain about a child's homemade gift without sounding horrible.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/10/2017 18:42

Just get them a present, of say £20-30, or nice picture frame of something from Designers at Debenhams.

ohtheholidays · 30/10/2017 18:42

Fuck no don't get them a gift!!

I'd be telling the MOH I need the money back that you paid for the B2B's spa day!

When I got married I paid for MOH and Bridesmaid and flower girl to have they're hair and nails done and I paid for everything they needed for the day,they're dresses,shoes,jewellry and we paid for the grooms mens outfits and shoes and they were all given gifts from us as well.

When my BFF got married I was her MOH and she paid for all the bits I needed and for everything her Bridesmaid and the Bestman needed and my BF and the Groom bought us all gifts and I arranged the hen night and paid for my BFF on her hen night.

I think it's really bad form to expect someone else to pay so much to be a part of they're wedding.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/10/2017 18:42

Its very rude of brides to ask for their bm to pay for dresses, hair and make up, when they have asked them to be bm, it should be absorbed as part of the cost of the wedding. If you can't afford it, don't have as many or none at all.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/10/2017 18:44

Exactly, when I got married, I never dreamed of of asking my bm to pay for their clothes and shoes, I organised my own hen do, so all people had to do was turn up and each paid for themselves (think cheap chineese buffet, and a day at Thorpe park 13 years ago).

SilverSpot · 30/10/2017 18:45

I'd have said "no thanks" at being asked to pay for my own dress etc. Seriously people who have BMs and expect them to buy their own dresses are total grabby CFs

BobbinThreadbare123 · 30/10/2017 18:45

No, no gift. I went to a wedding recently that basically cost me £500 and I felt no compunction in merely providing a card. The happy couple did not get me and DH a pressie when we got married.

uptheclydeinabananaboat · 30/10/2017 18:46

I'd probably be honest with her.

"I can't buy you a present as I can't afford it. Spending £xx on your wedding has rooked me"

I can't believe you had to buy your own dress

bimbobaggins · 30/10/2017 18:47

Not on the high street can be quite pricey, tesco have a lovely range of frames at the moment for under £20. That would be all I’d be spending after the astronomical amount you have spent on the rest of the weddings.
I’m embarrassed for your friend, there really is no end to some people’s cheek. Was going to say you really should have spoke up about paying for stuff but see you have refused the hair and make up so well done for that.

thecatsthecats · 30/10/2017 18:49

Bridesmaids paying for their dresses is an American trend that can go fuck itself. At least in America everyone knows the deal though, and it seems to be part of the culture to turn it down if you can't afford to.

diddl · 30/10/2017 18:49

Teaspoons if you want something useful but not expensive.

You can never have enough!

Or nothing would also be acceptable as you have spent more than enough.

mindutopia · 30/10/2017 18:53

I would give something, but it doesn't have to be expensive. Something lovely and sentimental rather than over the top.

Original poster

Whosamawotsits · 30/10/2017 18:55

Well, we went out dress shopping, found what it was she liked and paid, then she turned around and said "just get the £90 to me whenever". Was just stood like , I should have seen then how it was going to go for the rest of the planning.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/10/2017 19:01

I’m shocked at how much you’ve spent and the amount of help you’re giving. Definitely crazy to give a gift of any substance. I do like the framed penny idea.

sweetsomethings · 30/10/2017 19:08

No one would blame you for not giving a gift . You have paid out enough already , I payed for all the expenses you mentioned for my own bridesmaids it never ever occured to me to ask them for the money .

LuxuryWoman2017 · 30/10/2017 19:08

No way would I pay to be a bridesmaid, unbelievable cheek.

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