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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I too strict or would you have done the same

132 replies

katycb · 30/10/2017 09:49

1st world problem really- We were out yesterday in the kids playroom of an art gallery. DD (4) had spent ages building a house with some big foam blocks when another child runs in (probably 5/6 ish) with a big familly group and knocks it down I tried to get him to say sorry (nicely!) but he ran off and none of the 3 adults who were with him intervened. Anyway helped DD stop crying and build it back up which we did about 15m later same boy knocks it down again! This time his Dad says "Oh dear lets build it again" but DD is properly upset and at no point does any adult in the group get the boy to apologise. If either of my 2 did this I would pull them up, get them to say sorry to the child they upset and give them time out. It has really got me riled DH says its just different parenting and I shouldn't interfere AIBU?

OP posts:
MsHarry · 30/10/2017 17:13

You are right. As a TA I come across many parents who can't accept that their child is wrong and offer excuses for their behaviour rather than tackle it. There will be many more ahead. I come across the exact behaviour that you describe in the playground almost daily and always tackle it and make sure an apology is made and that they help build it back up.

taybert · 30/10/2017 17:20

My son did this once in a "castle building room" at a national trust property. The kids and dad had built this massive tower and were literally posing in front of it and saying cheese for a photo when my eldest did a human wrecking ball. I was mortified and said sorry a LOT and explained that those people might be upset to him but I didn't make him say sorry because really he wasn't thinking "they've worked hard on that, I'm going to trash it" he just thought, "there's a big tower to knock down". There was lots of building and knocking down going on because that's basically the point of it, he just didn't get that it wasn't all fair game as he was 3.

Mamabear4180 · 30/10/2017 17:20

I was wondering if you'd feel differently if the boy had ASD? Only because ASD is a hidden disability and I know that my 3 year old would have no idea her actions upset others or would even know how to apologise. Just thought it was worth a mention (NRTFT) I've become much more understanding of 'naughty' behaviour since my DD was diagnosed. There's so much I would have silently judged before that. Now I find it difficult socially because unless I'm following my child constantly everywhere as I do at the moment, she would look like a naughty child but she really isn't.

RavingRoo · 30/10/2017 17:31

To be honest, at a softplay, I’m often encouraging my dn to run around not sit on their rump, and wouldn’t make them apologise unless they physically hurt a child (deliberately or not). It’s a space to run around and have fun, and your dd needs to be taught a bit of resiliance. If that makes me a wicked aunt so be it.

HandbagKrabby · 30/10/2017 18:31

It wasn’t a soft play!!!!!!!

I do think all these parents that don’t see the big deal would be the first to start passively aggressively moaning if their child’s building was repeatedly knocked over by a child old enough to know better.

I’m flabbergasted by all these children that don’t know how to apologise and make amends because they’re not being taught how to do it! I imagine these are the children that never say please or thank you as well. Why would you bother with any social plesantaries if you get everything you want your own way without bothering?

limitedperiodonly · 30/10/2017 18:52

It wasn't softplay. OP's daughter doesn't need to toughen up. Except to accept that lots of people let their children behave like shits

Original poster
katycb · 30/10/2017 19:02

Mambear that's a good point. What I hadn't mentioned in the op as didn't think was relevent is that both my twins including the DD in question have additional needs (speech and communication mainly and also a general delay from being prem) I also work with plenty of children with various learning needs and I would maybe discipline them on a different way but I wouldn't do nothing for example my other twin until recently wouldn't have been able to say "sorry" but I'd still explain what she'd done wrong and maybe ask her to shake hands with the child she had upset. It was the lack of him being pulled up at all. And for all those saying about resilience for the record again she isn't easily upset and I don't want her to think that it is ok for other kids to upset you. Yes it is a fact of life but doesn't make it right!

OP posts:
OnlyGlowingSlightly · 30/10/2017 21:48

The pp who said that it's the unkindness which is the problem, not the act itself, has it spot on.

You can tell whether a 5-year-old is being clumsy, whether they are being thoughtless/overexuberant, or whether they are deliberately annoying another child.

I would have spoken to him after the first time, and then probably kept an eye out for him and tried to stop him the 2nd time(ideally with words, but by getting in his way if necessary). But I see gentle boundary setting as a normal everyday part of communication with small children, whether they are mine or not.

UnicornRainbowColours · 31/10/2017 13:52

You were right the parents were wrong. Children need to learn boundary’s and that you don’t just go up to ppl and behave how you want.

My charge tried to knock over a little boys tower and I said no he is building that and you cannot just go and nock it down!!

Turquoise123 · 31/10/2017 17:41

Never intervene. Never worth it . A 5/6 year old knew what they were doing and so did their father.

3out · 31/10/2017 17:53

I agree with mambear and your reply. Obviously, he might just have been naughty, but he might have had ASD etc.
If DS has done that, I’d have done what the father did - explaining how it wasn’t the right choice and how it has upset your daughter. I wouldn’t have made him say sorry, because then all he’s learning is the verbal response but not the meaning behind it (the emotional effect).
A last point, perhaps the boy was very tall for his age? It doesn’t excuse his behaviour, but as the parent of a very tall boy it’s very frustrating when other parents assume he is much older than he is and that he should be behaving better.

Leapfrog44 · 31/10/2017 18:12

I'd demand an apology from my child and make them help rebuild. I'm with you. Kindness and respect are the most important things to teach our kids.

Alasdair53 · 31/10/2017 18:18

Absolutely no point asking a small child to say sorry. By the time you've told them to say sorry and they've said it because you said so all they learn is that sorry is a magic word that gets them out of trouble. However, as an adult with the child I'd have apologised to your child for allowing my child to destroy her work; and apologised to my child for not keeping him safe enough that he didn't hurt someone. I'd have engaged my child with something else, always considering the possibility that he wanted to communicate with the builder and maybe join in but didn't know how to ask. I certainly wouldn't have let it happen a second time.

user1483875094 · 31/10/2017 18:30

Oh my goodness, so many people on here excusing a horrid little pig of a child. NO EXCUSE. He did it on purpose, and was horrible. Guess what, ... there ARE some horrid children out there who take pleasure in ruining other childrens' happiness, and sadly, they are a product of their hapless parents... You are entirely right to be pissed off. Horrible child, and horrible parents. NO EXCUSE. So sorry your little childs enjoyment was spoiled. Sadly it happens more and more now. Flame me down all you "do-gooders" I don't care. HORRID child, and even worse parents.

smilingontheinside · 31/10/2017 19:43

Wow user14838....... say it how it is!!! And I for one totally agree with you. Too many people tiptoe around trying to find "reasons" for what are basically badly behaved I'll mannered brats with entitled parents who think their little darlings can't put a foot wrong. I've worked with families like them and they and their offspring are appalling. Knocking it down on purpose once not nice but twice is nasty and child's parent should have apologised for their child's behaviour.

Original poster
katycb · 31/10/2017 19:52

3 out- I'm with you ,but he didn't communicate to the little boy that it was the wrong choice he literally just said "Let's build it back up" Not "Oh dear, the little girls is upset because of you knocking that down- Let's help make it right"- That would have been what I would have done with say one of the ASD kids from work.

He could have been older and I'm aware how that looks (I have a very tall nephew and my 2 are young looking, people often think there is much more of an age gap between them than there is) but I don't think he was preschool age- Mainly because of how he was talking with his family and siblings. I reckon at least 5 maybe up to 7.

OP posts:
justlliloleme · 31/10/2017 19:56

Not strict at all.
I’d have told my child off too. I’d have probably said something to the other child too.
Unfortunately, I’m no longer shocked about the rudeness and blatant disregard some people for anyone but themselves.

Quartz2208 · 31/10/2017 20:31

Was she still building it or was it left - if she was still building definitely I would have said something, if it had been finished its fair game to knock down

HolyShmoly · 31/10/2017 20:42

If anyone reading this is on Tyneside it was the big gallery by the river

Absolutely not the point of this thread, but does that have a decent space where you could bring a 4 year old while having a coffee with his Mum? Sister visiting and I want somewhere to bring her and her wee boy while the rest are at football...

Original poster
katycb · 31/10/2017 21:02

Quatz up def still building it, I was helping her put on chimneys!
Holy shmoly It is a nice play space and usually quite quiet but on a different floor to the cafe. There are lots of seats and tables though so good for a catch up.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 31/10/2017 21:13

then a simple apology would be required! Sometimes though they do go in without thinking

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 31/10/2017 21:16

You're not strict - you're just raising conscientious children.

That said j would have done the passive aggressive English thing of a dirty look! I wouldn't make any bigger of a deal with it than that.

user1470055656 · 31/10/2017 21:23

So shocked by some of these replies. Children need to be taught acceptable modes of behaviour. It was unkind of the child to deliberately knock over your child's model. Twice. They should've been made to apologise.

manicmij · 31/10/2017 21:38

I would have said in a loud enough voice so an adult would hear "that boys seems to like destroying what you build and doesn't even say sorry. He is very rude". A play area like that is for all the kids to enjoy and adults should be supervising not letting then ruin other children's fun.

Thymeout · 31/10/2017 21:53

While we're at it, what's the reasoning behind 'bad choices'? What's wrong with 'naughty'? I heard someone in a US jail being interviewed. He said he'd made some bad choices and it turned out he'd killed someone!