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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I too strict or would you have done the same

132 replies

katycb · 30/10/2017 09:49

1st world problem really- We were out yesterday in the kids playroom of an art gallery. DD (4) had spent ages building a house with some big foam blocks when another child runs in (probably 5/6 ish) with a big familly group and knocks it down I tried to get him to say sorry (nicely!) but he ran off and none of the 3 adults who were with him intervened. Anyway helped DD stop crying and build it back up which we did about 15m later same boy knocks it down again! This time his Dad says "Oh dear lets build it again" but DD is properly upset and at no point does any adult in the group get the boy to apologise. If either of my 2 did this I would pull them up, get them to say sorry to the child they upset and give them time out. It has really got me riled DH says its just different parenting and I shouldn't interfere AIBU?

OP posts:
PookieSnackenberger · 30/10/2017 11:16

OP you are DNBU.

It does not teach resilience and the other child needs it pointed out that their behaviour was wrong. Forced apologies? How on earth is a child meant to learn how to behave with consideration to others? Isn't restorative justice based upon indicating the consequences of actions and seeing another persons view.

This was not soft play. Your child constructed something and another child destroyed it. Twice. The parents and adults were very much at fault for not stepping in with a more robust response.

Andro · 30/10/2017 11:19

Either of my two would have been hauled firmly into check after the first incident. A repeat performance would have seen me apologise for my dc's behaviour, assure you that I would deal with it and remove my dc (with a lecture to the offender about actions having consequences).

There's no excuse for an NT child to be allowed to behave in such a way, an adult ought to have stepped in. Good manners and appropriate social conduct have to be taught, it is a parent's duty to that they are.

whiskyowl · 30/10/2017 11:19

Of course it's not acceptable. It's not the end of the world unacceptable, but it is bad parenting to teach your kid they can just wander in and destroy stuff other children have built.

Tell your DD to stay away from entitled boys like that - a good lesson for later in life too Wink

Birdsgottafly · 30/10/2017 11:26

"i think these things teach children resilience."

I know it's been said but it doesn't teach resilience, it teaches little boys that they can be boisterous and do what they want, regardless of who it upsets.

"It teaches a little GIRL that it's OK for a BOY to do as he pleases, inc being unkind to her for no other reason that he can."

Absolutely. In every social experiment when they put cameras in play areas, it is largely the boys putting a stop to the girls games, without being admonished for it. The girls are told to calm down and stop upsetting others, but the boys are indulged. There's still idiots about that tell girls that they should put up with being picked on because it means the boy likes her.

There has never been a test done, including in schools were the boys don't get away with it, because it's seen as being in a male's nature to behave like that.

Watch a 'rough' family with mixed gender children, you'll find that the boys even pick on their Sisters without much being done. Whereas the girls are told to stop whining and that "he didn't mean it".

The Adults were out of order for not telling him off, even if he was a big 4 year old and not as old as the OP thought.

Watching the children choose Halloween costumes in the shops, i'm sick of still seeing girls being forced to wear dresses,. One little girl, that I saw, was trying to tell her Mum that it meant she wouldn't have enough fun on the bouncy castle (she wanted to be a skeleton). She was shut down, because that "wasn't a girls costume" and "ha ha" 'd at by him.

Birdsgottafly · 30/10/2017 11:27

I would have looked out for him and body blocked him, if I could. I've done that on the beach. The gloves are off when i'm out with my Grandchildren.

QueenUnicorn · 30/10/2017 11:29

Well mine do Unicorn so maybe best get your kids to apologise next time they lamp somebody, just to be on the safe side. hmm Apologising and learning are not mutually exclusive, so the presence of one needn't exclude the other.
Mine wouldn't 'lamp' someone either. Nor have they knocked down someones tower since they were about one.
Teaching kids how to do the right thing isn't easy, it takes a lot of time and patience. Forcing an apology is an easy way out.

RavenWings · 30/10/2017 11:33

Yanbu OP, kids need to be taught that knocking down something someone else is playing with is unkind and not a behaviour that's allowed.

Basic play socialisation and teaching manners is very important!

Excusemyfrench · 30/10/2017 11:36

They should have said sorry of course. Unfortunately bad education is everywhere and you just have to put up with it. Your DD will survive its just annoying to witness as an adult

BarbarianMum · 30/10/2017 11:43
Handygarrottes · 30/10/2017 11:48

Exactly Barbarianmum you would think the apology was only related to the child doing the apologising; in fact it's meant to be about the person you are apologising to.

Whinesalot · 30/10/2017 11:59

i'd have said to the boy quite mildly. "That wasn't very nice was it." That way DD feels that he has been told off and you've stood up for her but you haven't actually been confrontational.

Thymeout · 30/10/2017 12:01

I can't believe this thread. Even if it had been a soft play centre, perhaps It'd be less like The Lord of the Flies if parents stopped their children wrecking other children's games. And this thing about not telling off someone else's child? Since when has it been taboo? I told the 7 yr old pushing my 3 yr old dgs away from the tap in a water play area at my local park to back off and I immediately had his father looming over me. I also saw a child at IKEA walking around with a pile of lampshades on his head and his father having a row with the assistant who'd told him to leave the merchandise alone. Is it because criticism of the child is criticism of the parent? Whatever, it's not a change for the better.

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 30/10/2017 12:03

That’s not nice behaviour from the other child, but I agree with your DH that it’s not your concern. Explain to your son that not all people are nice and that is why you teach him important things like sharing and being kind as you don’t want him to grow up to be nasty like the big boy that took delight in breaking his building.

limitedperiodonly · 30/10/2017 12:18

That's a shitty thing to do. It sounds like the dad was trying to make amends the second time it happened but by then it was too late.

Some children like to make things; some children like to destroy things. But that doesn't mean to say you can destroy other people's things. Build your own sandcastle and then kick it down if that's what you want.

flyingpigsinclover · 30/10/2017 12:31

YABU to try and get someone else's child to apologise - that is a job for their parents and not you.

Some parents don't force a child to apologise because it's meaningless if the child is just made to say it, I'm not in that camp but I do see where they are coming from - maybe that's their way of doing it? Live and let live.

HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 30/10/2017 12:35

It wasn't nice of the older boy to deliberately knock down something if it was clear that someone was carefully building it up (rather than just a random tower). I would have pulled my child up on it and left if he did it again.

On the other hand forcing an apology wouldn't be worthwhile and depending on exactly what the soft play is like it might be a little unreasonable to spend a long time using all the blocks and expecting the other children to avoid your building area.

Pengggwn · 30/10/2017 12:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fulltimemummy85 · 30/10/2017 12:43

People saying it isn't a problem probably have kids that do this sort of thing! I would be mortified although my 5 year old knows right from wrong and wouldn't be so nasty! I would have said something to the parents and the child!

Itsonkyme · 30/10/2017 13:14

The kid knew what he was doing, little bully. She cried the first time he spoiled her game then did it again.
I would have said something to him and the parents if they'd started.
But then again, I'm a gobby cow!! Nobody messes with me though!

ShiftyLookingBadger · 30/10/2017 13:45

I think it's very rude and unfair of the other brats children, however as horrible as it is for your DD it is an important life lesson in how to pick yourself up from these things and to understand that not everyone is as thoughtful as she is. I think you did the right thing in managing her upset, the other parents should have certainly intervened. I'd be mortified if my kids did this to another child.

limitedperiodonly · 30/10/2017 16:10

When I was seven I took part in a school art project. We could do anything we wanted. I cut a guardsman figure out of a thick piece of polystyrene with a hacksaw and painted his busby, red jacket, black trousers and big smile.

It was on display with all the other things for a week. When I went to pick him up, some spiteful and frankly quite fucking disturbed child, had poked a hole in his crotch and stuck a matchstick in it.

I was too embarrassed to take him home and told my mum and dad he'd got lost. OP, some children are just destructive shits and I hope your daughter feels better.

Mia1415 · 30/10/2017 16:41

I'd have made my DS apologise if he had done that. YANBU.

missiondecision · 30/10/2017 16:53

It’s not the end of the world.
It’s a public space.
Life isn’t fair sometimes.

missiondecision · 30/10/2017 16:56

Oops posted too soon.
This is the only time performance parenting is allowed.
“ oh how mean to spoil somebody’s fun!”
“Oh that’s not nice!”.

permatiredmum · 30/10/2017 17:08

Knew they’d be aspirational Boden wearing middle class! This social group ime ignores bad behaviour as it doesn’t fit their narrative that they’re so bloody brilliant and cultured and educated and Jeremy eats humus so he can’t possibly be kicking sand at toddlers and therefore it didn’t happen.

I think it is more that they see being kind and considerate as being at odds with being a go-getter.They want their kids to grow up to go for what they want even if it means trampling over others to do so.