Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Ex leaves my 3 children unattended

87 replies

Mumof3ejp · 29/10/2017 20:21

My Ex partner has our 3 children every other Saturday. I've just found out that when he has them he takes them to the local rugby club and leaves them unsupervised for over 3-4 hours my DD is the youngest she's 4 and my DS are 10 and 9. He leaves her brothers looking after her. They told me that they play in the car park and that he leaves the key to his car.
What can I do? My children's safety is my priority

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof3ejp · 29/10/2017 21:18

ladywire he plays rugby and literally leaves them to their own devices. So they have free rain of the fields, the car park (which they've told me they were playing in and that my 10 year old got locked in the boot) and the club house.
He plays a full game of rugby, as well as the warm up easily keep him away for our DC for 3 hours.
I asked the children if he had asked someone to keep an eye on them, or if any adults came to check up on them and they all said no

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof3ejp · 29/10/2017 21:20

santawontbelong my point exactly!

OP posts:
Santawontbelong · 29/10/2017 21:27

So next time he picks them up you simply follow. Watch for as long as you can stand it then remove them. Hide again and see how long til he check in them. Take photos, ask any witnesses for their details, take them home and report. And update us here. Remember you need to do this.

Original poster
Mumof3ejp · 29/10/2017 21:31

Thank you santawontbelong I'm hoping that my warning has actually registered in his head. And that he wont do it again. Wishful thinking.

I will update you all. This has stressed me out so much. I am fuming with him! our relationship is awful anyways!!

OP posts:
DoublyTroubly · 29/10/2017 21:36

Can you give eldest a mobile and ask him to text you if it happens again? At least you won’t have to worry about him stopping for a couple of weeks then starting again

Aeroflotgirl · 29/10/2017 21:38

If it's not court ordered I woukd stop contact, it's downright dangerous, anything could happen to the kids. If it is court order, I woukd go back to court armed with evidence.

Original poster
Mumof3ejp · 29/10/2017 21:38

doublytroubly he does have a phone so I will ask him. He's very loyal to his Dad so I doubt he will want to get him into trouble.

OP posts:
Longdistance · 29/10/2017 21:41

My dh posts rugby and is a coach. There’s no way on earth I’d let him have dds up the club if he’s playing for 3 hours, and with the culture of rugby he’d be having a drink after, so I wouldn’t advise driving either.

GabsAlot · 29/10/2017 21:42

dont risk him doing it again just stop contact

how do u know h dosnt do it elsewheere aswell

thatdearoctopus · 29/10/2017 21:42

You probably do need a third party to witness this happening, actually. Otherwise he could always make out you're just being vindictive.

Original poster
Mumof3ejp · 29/10/2017 21:45

If I get a text back from him I will have proof that this is what he has been doing.

OP posts:
CoalitionOfChaos · 29/10/2017 21:48

Has he replied to your text?

MammaTJ · 29/10/2017 21:49

My DP as playing rugby when my DC were 4 and 5. I can honestly say they were pretty much feral while he played rugby. He was playing I was with my friends. The DC ran wild, which was ok, as all the DC ran wild and all the parents pretty much looked out for them.

Yes, they even had the car key, so they could get stuff out that they weren't using all the time and put it back when they stopped using it. Also, so they could get jumpers out.

I really do think, having experience of it, that a 4 your old is ok to have free run of a family rugby club while their dad is playing!

Unihorn · 29/10/2017 21:55

I grew up in a football family. My older brothers would play and my dad would coach. Me and my youngest brother would have free reign of the fields, club and car during this time from the ages of about 7 and 8, as did all the other siblings of players. I thought this was quite common for siblings or children who didn't take part in the sport. We'd get paid 10p for collecting glasses and bringing them back too!

My nephews have also been doing this whilst their older brother plays football and they don't want to watch.

I would be concerned at 4 however.

Xmasbaby11 · 29/10/2017 21:58

Can you simply stop contact? Surely the children's word is enough?

Or suggest different contact time for a period that he could actually spend with his children?

Toffeelatteplease · 29/10/2017 21:59

You probably do need a third party to witness this happening, actually. Otherwise he could always make out you're just being vindictive.

Yes this. I think you need to tread really carefully. He could say it's good for them to be playing out in the open air they now where I am and not just me but everyone in the club is keeping an eye on them. If other families do the same you're on a really sticky wicket.

For God sake do not just go down and collect them. It would give him every chance to say you are vindictive and untrustworthy and he should be main Carer.

Mine claimed they were left unsupervised while ex and ex family had a drink. Courts and social services didn't give two hoots. "Of course I would never leave them unsupervisedown I was always nearby", according to them he was charming man and a great father. I was a vindictive ex who was abusing her children by her hatred of her ex.

Of course the story changed when he actually injured one

Unless they are actually injured I think you need to be really careful. By spying you could be accused of being unable to respect their right to privacy. You really do need an independent party to come forward with this information not you.

Lweji · 29/10/2017 22:03

I really do think, having experience of it, that a 4 your old is ok to have free run of a family rugby club while their dad is playing!

I'm usually on the side of giving children responsibility and letting them free from an early age on these threads, but 4 year olds running wild and with car keys while dads are playing and having no idea where the children are, just no.

A 10 year old, yes, but clearly they can't be responsible for younger children.

Lweji · 29/10/2017 22:05

I'd pick them up, warn the police that I had found them alone, and then let him report them missing. I suspect the time between me picking them up and him reporting them missing would not be in his favour.

If you are worried that they are left to their own devices and are at risk, why would you let them continue to be?

Toffeelatteplease · 29/10/2017 22:06

Surely the children's word is enough

Two sets of physical abuse allegations, doctors concerns over failure to administer prescribed medication and school based concerns were not enough in our case. Hospital level injury warranted an indirect contact for the time being. Maybe. But he really misses his kids.

Or suggest different contact time for a period that he could actually spend with his children
This would have been the best way to handle it. Accusatory text messages really will get you nowhere

Slimthistime · 29/10/2017 22:07

OP I'm horrified

just a thought on the legalities

if you remove the kids without telling him and he rings the police, might you then be in trouble for wasting police time?

I'd watch, gather evidence, take them home, but text him what you are doing and why. Otherwise I have this vision of the police allocating a bunch of resources to it which wouldn't be right.

Toffeelatteplease · 29/10/2017 22:08

if you remove the kids without telling him and he rings the police, might you then be in trouble for wasting police time?

More like child abduction

Slimthistime · 29/10/2017 22:11

actually OP thinking about it, you could go, watch, gather evidence, then keep the kids company and see his face when he returns.

Ebony69 · 29/10/2017 22:16

Picking the children up and reporting them to the police puts the children in a very difficult position. The two older ones will be somewhat confused about the contact being cut short without their father's knowledge and will worry about his response. And reporting their father to the police is such an unnecessarily hostile move which will just heighten tensions between the parents which, again, the children will be caught up in.
If the OP has these concerns and is ignored by their father, it's better for her to hand the children over only after he has finished playing rugby.

Italiangreyhound · 29/10/2017 22:22

How awful. I am so sorry for you kids.

Autumnskiesarelovely · 29/10/2017 22:28

Tough. I would phone childline and anonymously social services for advice?

What is your relationship like with him? Would you offer to have them at that time saying that you do not think they should be left unsupervised. That means no responsible designated adult in charge who can keep a constant eye on them? Is that possible and would a heart to heart chat with your ex be a good thing?

Very tricky.