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AIBU?

My Ex leaves my 3 children unattended

87 replies

Mumof3ejp · 29/10/2017 20:21

My Ex partner has our 3 children every other Saturday. I've just found out that when he has them he takes them to the local rugby club and leaves them unsupervised for over 3-4 hours my DD is the youngest she's 4 and my DS are 10 and 9. He leaves her brothers looking after her. They told me that they play in the car park and that he leaves the key to his car.
What can I do? My children's safety is my priority

OP posts:

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Lillygolightly · 29/10/2017 22:29

I'd bloody turn up at the rugby club, pick them up from the car park, say nothing and let him panic!!

He will be lucky it's you picking up the kids and not some random stranger!

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Desmondo2016 · 29/10/2017 22:34

I would find out facts, not your children's version of events/understanding. Is he normally this irresponsible? Just bè careful it's not crossed wires and you go in all guns blazing.

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AnathemaPulsifer · 29/10/2017 22:36

Just tell him that it is absolutely not acceptable to leave a 4 year old in the care of other children and so in rugby season he can pick them up on his way home. If he kicks up a fuss look at some of the other suggestions.

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Wheresthebeach · 29/10/2017 22:41

Tell him you will have the kids while he plays rugby, and he can come and get them after as leaving them unattended isn't acceptable. Point out that if the kids have an accident he could be charged with neglect. Once he's aware that there may be consequences for HIM, then he may well change his tune. He's clearly a twat, and you should get things formalised asap.

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ohtheholidays · 29/10/2017 22:47

I thought he was inside the Rugby club socialising and leaving the children to they're own devices and he'd pop out and check on them now and again and that would be bad enough!But he's actually playing Rugby so he can't just pop in and out and check on them.

He needs his bloody head examining!

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ohtheholidays · 29/10/2017 22:52

OP did he know that one of your DC had fallen out of a tree?

If he didn't witness it so therefore couldn't tell you and your DC had sustained a head injury and had to be seen at A&E later on in the day because they'd became ill or God forbid ended up needing to stay in hospital or needed an operation the hospital would be duty bound to report it and the Police and SS would more than likely become involved.

He really is playing with they're lifes.

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keeponworking · 29/10/2017 23:13

Hmmm, if OP just picked them up could it backfire on her (right as it might be of course)?? I don't think involving SS at this stage would be a good idea.

OP do you know anyone who would go there and observe/take pictures for you, recording times things happened etc, and then watch him to see if he has any drinks and if he does, how many? How many times does he go out and check on the kids etc?

Then a quick anonymous tip-off to Crimestoppers that someone is about to drive loved ones (children) after they've been drinking, would also be a fab and entirely anonymous way of making his poor decisions come back to bite him whilst simultaneously protecting the children.

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cantthinkofabloodyname · 29/10/2017 23:14

This reminds me so much of my childhood. Myself & my db went to our dad’s every other weekend. What did he do? He took us to the pub with him for hours on end & we had to entertain ourselves. He used to give my brother the car keys so that we could sit in the car, but my db (age 11) asked if he could drive the car around the car park. He said yes & worst of all, I was in the car too! This was well over 30 years ago, so not much got done about it.
I told my dd, years later how miserable my childhood was & he was really remorseful. We got back on talking terms a while later but he still went to his grave regretting what he did.

Maybe explain to your ex that he may be pushing his kids away from wanting to see him if he keeps leaving them when he has his access times.

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PurpleMinionMummy · 29/10/2017 23:38

Can you get a witness to drop by and watch and then call the police to say they're concerned? I guess they'd drop by to check and have a word with Dad once he was located?

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Colabar · 29/10/2017 23:49

I found out my grandchildren were at the football club while their father played and drank after the game while DD was working. Their GF was supposed to be with them during some matches but said he hadn't seen them all day when I asked. When DD said everyone watches out for everyone's children I pointed out that I bet when she was there (when not working) she would not be particularly looking out for other people's children.

I was really worried about my GD5 mostly, GS 9 is at least with his friends. DD is usually not neglectful but SIL has the attitude of she'll be right., and that's how he was brought up and everyone's children are having a great time running around all day. I felt like I was interfering but couldn't sleep worrying about my GC.

One time I was there at a practice with GD and a young man was kicking a ball around with boys my GS's age. This man was grabbing the boys and tackling them, one time he fell on top of one boy, on purpose, and had his groin in the boys face, lying on top of him for what seemed to me to be a long time. There were other adults nearby but they were socialising and didn't notice, I felt like I was the only one who saw it happen. I was told after there are no paedophiles in this rural area.

I would go and pick them up OP, you know now and if something happened you would be blamed too.

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Nicknacky · 30/10/2017 00:06

I cannnot believe the shit advice that is given out on this site sometimes....report him for drink driving?!!!

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Nicknacky · 30/10/2017 00:07

Posted too soon....

Yes that's a "fab" thing for a mother to do when her kids are in the car. There is nothing at all to suggest he is drink driving. Ffs

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doodle01 · 30/10/2017 00:39

Rugby clubs are big families kids run around unsupervised

There are mothers there they would not tolerate kids at risk they’d have him

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MistressDeeCee · 30/10/2017 01:32

I'd stop sending them, tell him why in writing and leave it at that. It's your childrens' safety at risk. Short note/email, stop sending them that's it. No point wrangling with him or listening to "I won't do it again". For him as a parent to do this in the first place is shockingly irresponsible, it's Crystal clear that he is not a trustworthy man.

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windowSong · 30/10/2017 06:51

Hi OP, this may not be what you want to hear, but me and my brother used to go with Dad to his rugby club and hang out on our own for 3-4 hours at similar ages to your two. We had a great time! Were occasionally bored, but made up lots of games, developed a sense of independence, and loved being part of Dad’s hobby. I’m very much a “children fitting around parents” rather than “parents fitting around children” parent myself.

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tillytown · 30/10/2017 07:13

windowSong, they aren't in the rugby club though, they are left in the car park.

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IamtheDevilsAvocado · 30/10/2017 07:42

Just tell him... He can't have the kids and play rugby too and leave them unsupervised for hours.... In a CAR PARK?!?

I would include that you assumed as a responsible parent, he was spending time with them ONHIS WEEKEND...

Write this to him, preferably email as well. Then you have drawn a line in the sand...

If he does it again.. Stop contact until he can be bothered to actually look after his precious kids...

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StepAwayFromGoogle · 30/10/2017 08:22

To everyone saying that at a rugby club all the kids run wild and parents 'keep an eye on them' - that's taking a chance at best. BUT that doesn't sound like what is happening here: the kids are left in a car park on their own with the car keys. And nobody is checking on them. So they aren't running around a clubhouse with a load of other kids and adults to keep an eye on them. We used to do this at my Dad's cricket club but my Mum and all the other Mums were always right there.

I would be FURIOUS, OP! I think the best solution is as others suggest: Tell him when he's playing rugby that he can pick the kids up on the way home. You wouldn't think it would be hard to miss a game of rugby every other week so he can spend some time with his kids?!

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RandomMess · 30/10/2017 08:27

Why don’t you tell him to pick the DC up after Rugby?

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thatdearoctopus · 30/10/2017 08:30

You wouldn't think it would be hard to miss a game of rugby every other week so he can spend some time with his kids?!

Well, I'm not defending this guy by any means, but I think it unlikely that many clubs would accept a player only committing to every other match. He either turns up every week or gives it up. His choice.

When we used to go away on holiday with friends and a number of young children, we had a rule that we were each responsible for our own kids (unless a specific arrangement was made). Otherwise, you could have a situation where everyone assumes that someone else is "on duty" and it ends up that no one's actually watching them at all. That's when accidents can happen. Unless this bloke has a designated person to watch the kids (and it doesn't sound like he has, or if so, they don't seem to be doing the job properly), then they're not supervised at all. The fact that "we used to do this back in the 70s," (and we did!) is not a good enough reason today.

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Unihorn · 30/10/2017 08:57

Well the OP did say they have free rein of the grounds, clubhouse and car park. So they're not just playing in the car park and it sounds similar to what many other people experienced growing up. I think you need to clarify what is happening for sure before you go attempting to involve social services or affecting contact.

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ohtheholidays · 30/10/2017 10:14

Nicknacky it's because it is illegal for someone under age to be left in charge of a vehicle which is what the OP's Ex is choosing to do when he leaves his DC with the car keys,access to the car and no suitable supervision.

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Toffeelatteplease · 30/10/2017 10:20

ohtheholidays

So if I leave my kids outside the local corner shop for ten minutes, and leave them with the keys because they feel safer locked in but I want them to be able to get out easily I'm committing a criminal activity because I'm leaving them in charge of a vehicle.

Or I give DD the keys say go unlock the car a get in while I take DS to the look before setting off, I'm committing a criminal act? Or give her the keys to go fetch something out of the car

May I be first to say that sounds ridiculous.

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Toffeelatteplease · 30/10/2017 10:21

To the loo!

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Autumnskiesarelovely · 30/10/2017 10:30

I don’t think it matters where they are in a sense - any young child needs to be supervised by a responsible adult. That means having attention on them. All the time.

If they aren’t, they could be going off, being bullied, climbing too high, going onto roads. It is worse if they are in a car park already, but not supervised means they could go anywhere.

I personally hate these situations where the consensus is ‘everyone keeps an eye out’ - like sports clubs, festivals, events, parties. Because if you don’t even know who’s there you can’t keep an eye out. And everyone is either playing or watching a rugby match!