My Ex leaves my 3 children unattended

[Mumof3ejp]

My Ex partner has our 3 children every other Saturday. I've just found out that when he has them he takes them to the local rugby club and leaves them unsupervised for over 3-4 hours my DD is the youngest she's 4 and my DS are 10 and 9. He leaves her brothers looking after her. They told me that they play in the car park and that he leaves the key to his car.
What can I do? My children's safety is my priority

[Mittens1969]

I wouldn’t like this, OP, it would be ok if the youngest was 3-4 years older, say 7-8 (depending on maturity), but a 4 year old in a car park, unsupervised by an adult, is not on IMO. Children do silly things at that age. Maybe it was when we were growing up but a lot of things happened back then which wouldn’t be approved of now.

Re the car keys, I’d be concerned about that too. They’re too young to be in charge of a vehicle, supposing one of them switched the engine on?

If their dad is playing rugby then he clearly isn’t keeping an eye on them.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

going In daddies car and mucking about it not unheard of, if I can see the kids it’s a locked car park and I knew dad was ok with them going in the car I wouldn’t even raise an eyebrow.

I may even stick them in the car if I was using the seat of mine to change one of mines nappies or something, nothing wrong with containing them for a tick and sometimes there’s nothing wrong with kids mucking about

[thatdearoctopus]

loads of players only bring there kids after checking that I’m there and happy to watch them which I am... It's perfectly acceptable

And do the kids you're watching play in the car park, lock each other in the boot and climb trees which they fall out of?

Thought not. These kids are clearly not being watched.

[Jaxhog]

Now that you 'know' that this happened, you have to do something. Otherwise he could claim that you knew and did nothing i.e. allowed it to happen.

If he promises you that he won't leave them unsupervised again, then let them go (but check with them). If he won't, then get someone to go check and film them if they are unsupervised. If they still appear to be unsupervised, then stop them going. Tell your ex that if he wants them back, he'll have to go to court, and that you will show your evidence. If it comes to this, he'll probably get visitation, but it will be supervised.

[Mayhemmumma]

If you know when and where they are unsupervised call the police and ask for a welfare check?

[Bucketsandspoons]

A four year old playing in a car park, supervised by a nine and ten year old.

No, really not ok. I agree with ringing social services front desk - you don't have to give a name or identifying details - run the scenario past them and ask what they suggest. I don't think they'll say 'oh it's fine don't worry'.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

Be very careful when dealing with it that it genuinely is a situation where kids are unsupervised.

I go to a football clubweekly and loads of players only bring there kids after checking that I’m there and happy to watch them which I am, I’m dbs checked obviously not taking any payment am there with my own kids and I’m happy to hang out with them during the game. It’s perfectly acceptable.

[OnlyTheDepthVaries]

nicknacky
I’m like you and with you on this. Need the Act and Section of the relevant law. Lots of spurious illegalities being quoted here.
If the OP removes her children from the car park she will not be abducting them....she is their parent. She will not be wasting police time particularly if she rings to inform them what she has done and why. This will pre empt his missing children call once he has finished his rugby.

[Italiangreyhound]

I also gate all this "Everyone looking out for everyone's kids"

How can you supervise everyone else's kids at the same time! Without knowing what they are allowed to do, or able to do, or who they know etc.

[HamSandWitches]

That's crazy giving the kids the keys. They could take the handbrake off and run one of their siblings over. My 9yr old could take the handbrake off. She could probably start the car tbh

[SleepFreeZone]

I was pretty much left to my own devices growing up and had a whale of a time, but I would be furious if this was happening to my children. I too would turn up at the rugby club and see for myself what was going on and take the kids home if need be.

[Nicknacky]

ohtheholidays Ask him what section. I'm a cop and I can tell you there is no offence for a kid to have keys and access to a vehicle that I'm aware of but I'm prepared to be shown I'm wrong.

[Autumnskiesarelovely]

I don’t think it matters where they are in a sense - any young child needs to be supervised by a responsible adult. That means having attention on them. All the time.

If they aren’t, they could be going off, being bullied, climbing too high, going onto roads. It is worse if they are in a car park already, but not supervised means they could go anywhere.

I personally hate these situations where the consensus is ‘everyone keeps an eye out’ - like sports clubs, festivals, events, parties. Because if you don’t even know who’s there you can’t keep an eye out. And everyone is either playing or watching a rugby match!

[Toffeelatteplease]

To the loo!

[Toffeelatteplease]

ohtheholidays

So if I leave my kids outside the local corner shop for ten minutes, and leave them with the keys because they feel safer locked in but I want them to be able to get out easily I'm committing a criminal activity because I'm leaving them in charge of a vehicle.

Or I give DD the keys say go unlock the car a get in while I take DS to the look before setting off, I'm committing a criminal act? Or give her the keys to go fetch something out of the car

May I be first to say that sounds ridiculous.

[ohtheholidays]

Nicknacky it's because it is illegal for someone under age to be left in charge of a vehicle which is what the OP's Ex is choosing to do when he leaves his DC with the car keys,access to the car and no suitable supervision.

[Unihorn]

Well the OP did say they have free rein of the grounds, clubhouse and car park. So they're not just playing in the car park and it sounds similar to what many other people experienced growing up. I think you need to clarify what is happening for sure before you go attempting to involve social services or affecting contact.

[thatdearoctopus]

You wouldn't think it would be hard to miss a game of rugby every other week so he can spend some time with his kids?!

Well, I'm not defending this guy by any means, but I think it unlikely that many clubs would accept a player only committing to every other match. He either turns up every week or gives it up. His choice.

When we used to go away on holiday with friends and a number of young children, we had a rule that we were each responsible for our own kids (unless a specific arrangement was made). Otherwise, you could have a situation where everyone assumes that someone else is "on duty" and it ends up that no one's actually watching them at all. That's when accidents can happen. Unless this bloke has a designated person to watch the kids (and it doesn't sound like he has, or if so, they don't seem to be doing the job properly), then they're not supervised at all. The fact that "we used to do this back in the 70s," (and we did!) is not a good enough reason today.

[RandomMess]

Why don’t you tell him to pick the DC up after Rugby?

[StepAwayFromGoogle]

To everyone saying that at a rugby club all the kids run wild and parents 'keep an eye on them' - that's taking a chance at best. BUT that doesn't sound like what is happening here: the kids are left in a car park on their own with the car keys. And nobody is checking on them. So they aren't running around a clubhouse with a load of other kids and adults to keep an eye on them. We used to do this at my Dad's cricket club but my Mum and all the other Mums were always right there.

I would be FURIOUS, OP! I think the best solution is as others suggest: Tell him when he's playing rugby that he can pick the kids up on the way home. You wouldn't think it would be hard to miss a game of rugby every other week so he can spend some time with his kids?!

[IamtheDevilsAvocado]

Just tell him... He can't have the kids and play rugby too and leave them unsupervised for hours.... In a CAR PARK?!?

I would include that you assumed as a responsible parent, he was spending time with them ONHIS WEEKEND...

Write this to him, preferably email as well. Then you have drawn a line in the sand...

If he does it again.. Stop contact until he can be bothered to actually look after his precious kids...

[tillytown]

windowSong, they aren't in the rugby club though, they are left in the car park.

[windowSong]

Hi OP, this may not be what you want to hear, but me and my brother used to go with Dad to his rugby club and hang out on our own for 3-4 hours at similar ages to your two. We had a great time! Were occasionally bored, but made up lots of games, developed a sense of independence, and loved being part of Dad’s hobby. I’m very much a “children fitting around parents” rather than “parents fitting around children” parent myself.

[MistressDeeCee]

I'd stop sending them, tell him why in writing and leave it at that. It's your childrens' safety at risk. Short note/email, stop sending them that's it. No point wrangling with him or listening to "I won't do it again". For him as a parent to do this in the first place is shockingly irresponsible, it's Crystal clear that he is not a trustworthy man.

[doodle01]

Rugby clubs are big families kids run around unsupervised

There are mothers there they would not tolerate kids at risk they’d have him