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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To request 2 morning lie ins per year?

126 replies

Cakebaby123 · 29/10/2017 15:37

Ok so I'm a SAHM and yet again another weekend gone by where DH gets to sleep in until gone 11am while I'm up at the crack of dawn with DC (after being up all night with DD and her sickness bug)
All I ask is that for mothers day and my birthday that maybe DH gets up with the children and brings me a cup of tea to enjoy. We have this argument every year where he thinks because I don't 'go to work and earn money' that I don't need a lie in at all, not even once a year.
Does everyone view SAHMs like this?
He does work hard, but he's self employed and only works when he really does want to. So it's not like he works 100 hours a week, whereas I feel like my 'job' never ends

Trivial yes, but its really getting me down.

OP posts:

LindyHemming · 29/10/2017 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cordeliavorkosigan · 29/10/2017 17:56

Yes very important that you have access to money. Otherwise it is financial abuse! Ltb.

Frouby · 29/10/2017 17:56

Best advice would be ltb.

Then you can have all weekend eow while he has the kids.

You can get a job too as tax credits etc will help with childcare. Plus maintance. You will be much happier.

ferrier · 29/10/2017 17:59

One each at the weekend unless there are rather more in the way of extenuating circumstances than your op indicates.

Starlighter · 29/10/2017 18:03

I’m a SAHM. My husband and I alternate lie ins at the weekend, so we each get one every weekend. Constantly looking after kids is a job too, you need a break too!

Sorry but your DH sounds very selfish and inconsiderate. Sounds a bit dramatic but I don’t think I could be with someone like that. He doesn’t give a flying crap about your needs and well-being. Is he a good husband and dad in other ways?

Original poster

Cakebaby123 · 29/10/2017 18:03

I love him so much and I'm utterly utterly terrified of losing him. I'd be absolutely nothing without him.
I understand I might not have painted the best picture but I do love him completely. I don't want to be without him I just wish our relationship was different x

OP posts:

Original poster

Cakebaby123 · 29/10/2017 18:03

OP posts:

Worriedobsessive · 29/10/2017 18:07

Who told you that you would be nothing without him? You’d be a lot less knackered for a start!

But you’re worried about painting him in a bad light, so I’ll repeat, what’s good about him? As a man, a husband, a friend and a father?

TheFaerieQueene · 29/10/2017 18:07

I’m so sorry but what do you love about such a selfish person? He doesn’t love you. If he did, your needs would be important to him.

PuntasticUsername · 29/10/2017 18:07

"I'm utterly utterly terrified of losing him. I'd be absolutely nothing without him"

Oh, mate

colonelgoldfish · 29/10/2017 18:09

He sounds really selfish and controlling please don't think you'd be nothing without him because that's not true at all.

As for lie ins, DH and I get one each at the weekend (I'm not a SAHM anymore but even when I was it was still the same).

You deserve to be happy and heard in your relationship

BarbarianMum · 29/10/2017 18:15

TitaniasCloset · 29/10/2017 18:16

This thread is unbelievably depressing.

Why do women put up with this shit? I'm so glad I'm single.

Op tell him you want couples counselling or you plan to leave.

Worriedobsessive · 29/10/2017 18:17

I hate to say this, but you’re the problem, not him.

Love51 · 29/10/2017 18:19

What are you with him that you wouldn't be without him?
You'd still be a mum.
You'd still keep a nice house, if that's important to you.
You'd probably be an employee, which, as it is something he is holding you back from is a good thing.
You just wouldn't be a wife.

Either childcare is work or it isn't (obviously caring for your own kids isn't paid employment it can still be work). It doesn't miraculously become not work depending on the sex of the person doing it.

milkchocolatx5 · 29/10/2017 18:21

I've tried to get a job, the only one I had an interview for was a bar job

ridiculous that you weren't allowed but how many jobs did you actually apply for. my latest job took 1 year and 150 applications. It's just not always as easy as walking into a job. and you don't need permission.

dorislessingscat · 29/10/2017 18:23

Get a job.

LTB.

Or preferably both.

Marriage is not supposed to be like this.

SisterhoodisPowerful · 29/10/2017 18:24

Sweetheart, what you have written here is textbook behaviour of an emotionally and psychologically abusive husband. Please read the book Why Doeshe do that as it will help you recognise why his behaviour is controlling as it’s very concerning that you have no friends.

You deserve a partner who loves and values you; not a man who let you get a job or even get enough sleep.

Evelynismyspyname · 29/10/2017 18:28

If you don't want to leave him get a job, working early shifts, weekends only - the kind which require you to leave the house at 5am. Then nobody gets a lie in and he hasn't got what he believes is the moral high ground about WORKING.

You'll be back in bed laughing Monday to Friday after you've done the school run... Ok you probably won't because you'll still be fighting the battle of doing all the laundry, housework, food shopping, kids necessities shopping, errands, full domestic load - but at least he'll have to get up with the kids and you may resent him less.

silkpyjamasallday · 29/10/2017 18:30

It isn't about women 'putting up' with this sort of abuse, the OP and many others like her have been ground down to the point their self esteem is so low that the treatment they suffer at the hands of their partners seems normal. It takes an incredible amount of strength to break free from this. I really don't see what posters get out of kicking someone when they are down and telling them it is their fault.

OP this is no life for you, or for your DC, I'm betting what you have written here is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of your 'd'hs appalling treatment of you. You say you love him, do you believe that if he loved you he would treat you this way? Would you try and stop him finding personal fulfilment or financial gain from working? Would you belittle the efforts he made with your DC and house if the situation was reversed? Would you not allow him time to rest or enjoy himself? I can quite confidently say that you wouldn't. You say you don't have friends, is this because he has made it difficult for you to socialise by either not giving you time or money to go out or by making you feel guilty for doing anything for yourself? This man doesn't love you, and has nothing but contempt for you quite honestly. What are you actually getting out of this relationship?

If you left him your life would eventually be a lot easier and more pleasant for both you and your DC. If you feel you can, contact Womens Aid, they can help you prepare to take the first steps to get away from this horrible man.

PookieSnackenberger · 29/10/2017 18:30

You need to stop this in it's tracks now. You will get what you accept and this is not acceptable on any level. I think his response will tell/tells you what you need to know.

DH has always worked 12+ hour days and travelled regularly but when our kids were small we would each get one weekend day as a lie in for as long as needed. If one of us was ill the other picked up the slack. I did most nights weekdays but he would do weekends and step in whenever I was ill or exhausted.

You need someone who will value you and work as a team with you. It's the least you should expect.

Amatree · 29/10/2017 18:33

You would not be nothing without him. He has persuaded you to think that (subtly through long term behaviour) in order to keep you where he's happy - at home being his slave, with zero confidence to think you can do better. Please take this thread as a wake up call to rethink your life with this vile man.

gingerh4ir · 29/10/2017 18:34

did you only look for p/t work (just thinking as it was a bar role which are often on a p/t basis). Could you not look for something with office hours even on a full time basis (so you can get child care).

Tbh, I'd rather go to work, full time if needed and be single than being the full time slave to your DH.

ZenNudist · 29/10/2017 18:41

Oh god OP. This is bad. A lie in per week minimum would be reasonable but really thats the least of your problems if hes so inflexible and selfish and controlling.

I cant imagine never being allowed a lie in whilst your dh gets 2 per week. You are still working as a SAHM.

Im a WOHM and my 3 days home with the dc are more exhausting than my office job. I work in a high pressure financial role 4 days a week in a senior position. Is your dh doing hard physical labour or gruelling night shifts that means he needs the extra sleep?

You desperately need to rebalance your relationship. You are NOT nothing witbout him.

Start with getting a job. Any job. Then insist all non work time you both split domestic and childcare tasks equally. Make sure you both get some equal amounts of R&R time. Take up a hobby. Stop being reliant on this arse of a man.

TitaniasCloset · 29/10/2017 18:53

I'm so sorry if my post was less than helpful or at all victim blaming.

I hope you find the strength to stand up for yourself or leave OP.

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