Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

AIBU about going back to university?

117 replies

Myblackheart · 29/10/2017 10:17

SIL was here last week visiting from abroad with her DS and during that time we went to an open day looking at courses for me to do with the view to getting a professional qualification.

It's something I know I've been interested in since the start of 2012 after seeing a documentary and I have really tried to get relevant experience and think now is a good time to apply for next September.

Dh was encouraging when sil was here but then afterwards said that sil had put ideas in my head and that it was a something to do.

He said the problem is I am thinking for the good of me and not for the family as a whole.

Is this a reasonable argument, when you become a parent.

OP posts:

Original poster

Myblackheart · 29/10/2017 18:42

The point is, having been interested years ago, tried to prepare with voluntary and paid work - Those things are possible.

The thread wasn't about that though and I was purely wondering if it's selfish to do something even though you'll have less time for the children and dh and in will have less time together,

OP posts:

BoneyBackJefferson · 29/10/2017 18:46

Myblackheart

Is it possible to do on the job training?

Allthebestnamesareused · 29/10/2017 18:46

Instead of looking at all the reasons why the OP should not do the course her DH should be looking at all the solutions they could use to overcome any problems her doing the course may bring.

That may be changing his own working patterns, looking for assistance with childcare whether that means approaching family or looking for childminders etc.

OP go for it. I qualified as a solicitor whilst working full time and with a baby. We made it work with DH taking on the bulk of weekend childcare so I could study and hiring a chilminder whilst on study leave etc. It was tough going but something I needed to do and I did it with his support.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 29/10/2017 19:01

Your starting point is skewed op.pursuing a career isn’t selfish.youre not solely responsible for dc. Dh can step up a bit,help you out
Your dh is adult he’ll manage without you (might even like own time)
it’s not solely your role to keep dc and dh occupied. You can do something just for you.

AlltheBestnames, that’s a cracking example of pulling together.glad it all worked out

CommanderDaisy · 29/10/2017 19:25

Not selfish.
In fact, I'd view it as the opposite - both your children and your husband will have a happier wife and mother - even if she's super busy. The good for you and not for the family is a rubbish call. What is good for you will be good for the family in the long run in this situation.

You will be providing a good example for your children.That it's okay for a "mum" to continue her education and look for a better, more fulfilling job. That it's not the womans role to stay at home forever and sacrifice her dreams for everyone else.

I've done this kind of thing.. Spent a year and a half studying , juggling childcare, my husand picking up the slack etc. My husband moaned a bit, but got on with it. The result was a far better job, which has led to a completely different career. I'm much happier than simply lurking around the house wishing I'd done it, and feeling resentful. Which I definitely would have been. Children survive a busy mother every day. So do husbands.

Your husband might be afraid of the change in your lives at home, and that he might be expected to do more..........tough. To me, that is where the selfish label lies.Not with you, but with him. He is simply seeing the possible inconvenience to him, not the ultimate benefits. And being a bit of a dinosaur.

It is workable, worthy and you should do it.

MaisyPops · 29/10/2017 19:36

I don’t think anyone should be held to these decisions forever
Me neither. But it would be silly to try ajd pretend (like some seem to have on here) that making a decision to be a SAHP and then opting to do something requiring childcare but with no income doesn't drastically change finances.

For example going from SAHP to working means extra money fairly quickly which can ofset childcare costs. Opting to do something requiring childcare but with no additional monry is a massive change in circumstances which isn't what they had initially planned on together.

That's what people are saying: you can't just say 'i want to do X because I've been a SAHP and now i want ro do it'.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 29/10/2017 19:44

Op said she has been wanting to do this for 5yr and has done volunteering
I’d call 5 year thinking about a career change adequate notice for her dh
Being a sahm isn’t an indefinite role that can’t be altered,just because in the past op agreed to be sahm doesn’t mean that’s it for ever

TimbuktuTimbuktu · 29/10/2017 19:58

It’s interesting that the bar for selfish in women and men is so different. Isn’t it selfish for her DH to want the OP to forever remain at home at his beck and call despite the fact that she is bored and wants a new career.

There are things to discuss and practicalities to sort out but I think you should do it. This is your only life and you only get to live it once.

BarbarianMum · 29/10/2017 20:23

There us a difference between wanting to return to work and retraining for a new type of career. Whether the latter is reasonable depends on many things.

sailorcherries · 29/10/2017 20:24

Without all the facts we cannot say it is selfish or not, however OP refuses to say whether it is even feasible for her to go to uno without her family being severely impacted.

So maybe she is being selfish, maybe waiting a few years/doing distance learning/finding part time work to generate savings to tide them through the course might be best. Maybe her DP earns hundreds of thousands and he is just being an ass.

Based on the reluctance to say anything other than her DP said no, I'd say there are circumstances making the no comment valid and that is why she doesn't want to say too much.

MaisyPops · 29/10/2017 21:05

It’s interesting that the bar for selfish in women and men is so different. Isn’t it selfish for her DH to want the OP to forever remain at home at his beck and call
Talk about conflating totally unrelated issues.

Being at home doesn't mean being at DH's beck and call (and I'm fairly sure lots of SAHP would be insulted that that's how it's viewed)
DH isn't saying she has to spend forever at home
This isn't a decision about stay at home or return to work. It's a decision about stay at home or take on a uni course with no income, the need for childcare (funding for this is still unclear) and placements which students get limited, if any, influence over.

As many people have correctly said, there are lots of things to consider before making a decision. People jumping to 'poor woman at home with a selfish DH pissing on her dreams so he can have his own life' are simply projecting and speculating.

Based on the reluctance to say anything other than her DP said no, I'd say there are circumstances making the no comment valid and that is why she doesn't want to say too much.
This is my gut instinct. It may be that the objections can be mitigated against either this year or next with some careful planning.
It feels a bit like the corect/anticipated way for this thread to go was 'you should go for it. He's an arse and being selfish. It's always us mums who have to give everything up and nobody cares we are chained to the house...'

MargaretTwatyer · 29/10/2017 22:44

Well, no I don't think that's true at all. If a man wanted to pack in a good career and retrain in a way which would affect his family negatively I'm sure he'd be called a selfish immature man child on here.

LegallyBrunet · 30/10/2017 00:47

I'd say go for it. You sound like you've done a lot of preparation- voluntary work etc- and like you really want to make a go of it. The only thing I would say is make sure you work out your finances so you know how your family would manage with you studying rather than working. Remember, if it's nursing the bursary is gone now (Thank you Mr. Hunt) As for the textbook costs, there will always be students selling on their old textbooks for a fraction of the price or just get to the library first! Good luck!

TimbuktuTimbuktu · 30/10/2017 02:05

If a man wanted to pack in a good career and retrain in a way which would affect his family negatively I'm sure he'd be called a selfish immature man child on here.

She isn’t packing in a career, she is developing one. I mean ok, they need to sit down together and look at the practicalities and it is possible that it may not work out for them. However don’t you think that in a true partnership her husband should be looking for ways to help her achieve what has clearly been a long term aim. Not dismissing it as her sister putting ideas in her head.

I mean when I was a baby my dad did an OU degree, it was tough, they struggled to afford it and both my parents had to make sacrifices of time and money but it was worth it both in terms of long term earning potential and personal development for my Dad.

In a true partnership you talk about this stuff and you make decisions together that are best for both of you. You problem solve together and you try to make it happen if you can. If after all that it is really not practical/affordable then maybe it has to be postponed for a bit but you don’t dismiss it out of hand in such a patronising way.

If her husband hated his job and wanted to leave it and retrain I think the same should apply. No one member of the partnership should have to be unhappy long term in order to facilitate the happiness of the other. And sometimes you have to make short term sacrifices for long term gain.

TimbuktuTimbuktu · 30/10/2017 02:05

Sorry bold fail.

SweetCrustPastry · 30/10/2017 02:24

So I haven't read all this but the gist from my quick skim seems to be that people think you are being selfish.

Not sure I understand that. If you can afford it, can fit it into your life (which might mean a supportive family - which seems a reasonable thing to expect) and it will enhance your life why would anyone think it is a bad idea? Probably I've missed something....

MumsGoneToIceland · 30/10/2017 04:54

From your OP, it sounds like uni has always been in your plan and the work and volunteering you do is also carefully targeted towards that long term goal yet your DH seems to be suggesting that a weekend visit from SIL is driving your desires.

Is it a timing issue? Did DH expect this plan to unfold when the kids were much older or was he not expecting uni to be part of it?

What specifically does DH not think will be good for the family?

You need to work through his specific concerns together and see if they can be overcome? Will delaying a year or two be better for the family or will there never be a good time from dh's point of view ? If the latter, then you are having to address the fact that DH is not supportive of your needs and aspirations and have a much bigger decision to make as he is asking you to give up on your dreams which you would resent him for.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread