AIBU about going back to university?

[Myblackheart]

SIL was here last week visiting from abroad with her DS and during that time we went to an open day looking at courses for me to do with the view to getting a professional qualification.

It's something I know I've been interested in since the start of 2012 after seeing a documentary and I have really tried to get relevant experience and think now is a good time to apply for next September.

Dh was encouraging when sil was here but then afterwards said that sil had put ideas in my head and that it was a something to do.

He said the problem is I am thinking for the good of me and not for the family as a whole.

Is this a reasonable argument, when you become a parent.

LipstickHandbagCoffee
Doesn’t matter what the course is,

Of course it does. 1 yr, 3yrs, 5yrs?
What are the actual facts about getting a job after?

Cause it doesn’t suit him

it may not suit him as he doesn't want to get in to debt, it may have a detrimental affect on the family. all valid concerns.

Boney, of course I’m stating opinion,given mn is on opinion based forum.

No I don’t have case files, sworn statements,or corroborating evidence to support my posts cause it’s online chat. That’s what mn is. Chat forum

Equally you cannot disprove my assertions, and your responses are also in fact opinion

Op disclosing the proposed course of study doesn’t add any particular weight to this,she’ll still have the same dh irrespective of what course title is

I have just started uni again. This will be my second degree (I already have a degree and MA in a different subject). I am retraining from a pretty well paid role with lots of earning potential to become a mental health nurse. I will probably never earn what I was earning before, but I did the sums and we will manage. DH and I talked about it a lot and he has been incredibly supportive as he knows that as long as we can pay the bills then enjoying life is more important than having nice holidays or a new kitchen.

You do need to work out the finances. See if there is funding of student loans that will help cover childcare for your course and think about how you will manage childcare during erratic uni hours and placements (particularly if it is something like nursing where you will have shifts). I had to wait until DD was at school for it to be feasible for me to do this and still can only manage because we have great wrap around care available.

Personally I think in a relationship the default should be to try and make things work and for both people to be able to have a fulfilling career that they enjoy. If this is something that is important to you than he should work with you to try and make it possible. Dismissing you needs will only end up with you resenting him. It's not easy going back to uni when you have children and bills that need to be paid, but it is possible. Don't give up on it, just sit down and work out the logistics carefully first.

By the way, if it is nursing or related feel free to PM me and I would be happy to chat through how I am finding it and stuff. If that would be helpful.

LipstickHandbagCoffee

the difference is that I am not stating my opinion as a fact.

But I am prepared to look a wider picture than the DH is selfish.

He maybe the biggest arsehole on earth, or he may have some valid points.

the only way to find out is to talk.

Indeed, as I recommend they indeed need to talk frankly
Look at finances and practicalities of proposed course and potential challenges
Look at salary and progression of proposed course
I’d suggest op try meet recent graduates and practitioners discuss realities of role

As you know boney we are both equally proffering an opinion.And the op best placed to decide what she does with opinion expressed on mn

I have also left a well paid career to do something less well paid which will take years to train for. However it wasn't feasible for me to continue what I was doing before if we wanted our dc to have a relationship with their parents.

You need to build a business case OP, if you do this training, what are the fees, what is the situation re fees / bursaries, what would be the situation with childcare and other costs, when will you study, evenings or weekends? What is your earning potential when you graduate and what 5 years into new career? Versus what would be your earning potential / life satisfaction if you don't retrain?

Doing this will work out feasibility and whether you definitely want to do it yourself, and makes it harder for dh to argue with if you have a plan.

Studying with small children is exhausting, you have to be very well organised and make a lot of sacrifice. But it's worth it if you really want that career. I'll never earn what I used to but hopefully by the time I retire I can be proud of what I achieved, I can also work more flexibly which will fit better with family life, which is worth the sacrifices now.

There are some very boring and predictable "he is a dick" replie.

Some posters confuse having a dick with being a dick and struggle with anything more than "AIBU to have cheese for breakfast?"

I think that he has legitimate concerns. Disruption to families is something we need to consider when we become adults. I would love to become a sailing instructor. I have savings in my name to buy a sailing school, retrain and make a go of it. However, I may not like it, it wouldn't pay the school fees, it would be a massive disruption to my, my children's and my husbands lives.

Without being given the details OP, I can only ask general questions.

Have you looked at the long and short term financial implications?

Childcare arrangements?

Is there any flexibility in your husband's job and hours? If not, what should happen? What can happen?

She said He’s simply closing her down at moment,just a no. And is -ve
They do need to look at finances, how dh can support and the practicalities
Going from Sahm to student to working will be a change, but not necessarily insurmountable with After schoool, holiday clubs etc

I’d advise Look at the structure & progression of the course and career

Is it an established career or something woo woo like aura counsellor

How is it not good for your family?

More potential earning so that's a good thing.

Positive role model for your kids?

A better understanding of modern education - invaluable for your children as they go through school.

Is he scared he might have to do more?

I agree pinteresterest
I'm amazed how many people have decided that the DH is wrong and awful and that the OP should do her course when we have nowhere near enough information to say.

DH shouldn't have said that her relative was putting ideas into her head, but in terms of the logistics if a course he is absolutely right to be asking questions and working out the viability of it.

People are going on about 'he has had you at home so he can sort his own career out and now he feels threatened', that's total speculation. They BOTH chose to have the OP at home so projecting away about how he is a dick and unreasonable is just silly.

He is not unreasonable for asking about childcare. At the moment they don't seem to pay for childcare. With placements and uni they will have to pay for childcare. 1 person working and 1 at home bills are covered and there's no childcare fees. Can the family budget manage 2 people out AND childcare costs?

Where is the university?
Where can placements be? (When i did both my professional courses the placements were across the region up to 1.5 hours drive each way)
Do you understand the reality of yhe job? E.g. you mention seeing a documentary a while ago but that is TV. E.g. people deciding to teach because they watched educating greater manchester will be in for a rude awakening (i imagine it's the same with people wanting to be a midwife because they have had kids and watched one born every minute).
What will the travel costs be?
What will the fees cost? How will they be paid?
How long is the course?
What proportion of time is spent at uni?
What proportion of time is placement based?
Is it a professional course with jobs in your area after you qualify?
Supposing you do it and qualify, what will be the impact on your home life and childcare arrangements?

It sounds to me like he has a lot of very valid questions to consider.

Pinterest I think being a sailing instructor is up there with woo aura consultant though. The OP wants to undertake undergraduate studies which whatever subject she chooses will enhance gets and her families prospects.

Yes it will be tough. Childcare will be an issue and there will be financial considerations. I daresay the OP has thought this through.

I've done UG and PG degrees as a mature student. Now at 47 I've just started a diploma in vet nursing. It's bloody tough. I'm questioning my sanity especially as financially vet nursing isn't going to be paying anyone's school fees but here in the real world I've come to realise that my children seeing me fulfilled in a worthwhile career is a good thing. My DP I am sure would want me to pursue something I'm already qualified to do but he supports and encourages me whatever my choices are.

So yes - I'm sorry if I'm boring and predictable but her Dh is being a dick.And if that's predictable and the overall opinion then you know.. ..maybe there's a reason for that and it has fuck all to do with genitalia

Why do all roads lead back to teaching here

It is not teaching,

Christ

And I LOVE how you jumped on the bit about the documentary and then ignored all the other stuff I've done to try and prepare for this.

Yes,Consider valid questions,do have the conversation weigh up pro/ con
Op say dh is discouraging her,that needs further exploration.why is he resistant
However,it’s notable that op said dh is resistant.not encouraging.if op undertake course and gets a job yes things will change. They’ll be balancing work & childcare like millions of other folk do
Op is not suggesting an upheaval to become goat herders,she’s suggesting undertaking a professional course which will bring a 2nd wage to family and op will follow her career ambitions . Will it change the dynamics,yes. The power balance will shift,her dp won’t be the sole earner and he will have to adapt to changes to accommodate her new career

Why do all roads lead back to teaching here
It is not teaching,
Christ
We get it! But people are drawing on experienves of professional courses they have done and having done a professional course and havinb friends in teaching, health and social work, there are a LOT of overlaps in terms of the challenges those courses present.
Obviously you know all that already

And I LOVE how you jumped on the bit about the documentary and then ignored all the other stuff I've done to try and prepare for this.
I mentioned it ONCE within other entirely valid things to consider when retraining.

But you know, it's fine. Someone who has retrained doing a professional course knows fuck all about thr challenges.

Yea your DH is a massive dickhead and is deliberately trying to piss on your dreams. You absolutely don't have to consider placement logistics or childcare or any other very practical things. It'll all sort itself out and if he still doesn't undetstand then LTB because he is so controlling hates to see you succeed.
Correct answer?

LEMtheoriginal

Why is it? I know the industry as an enthusiast. I could buy a thriving business even being a mostly-silent partner.

My instructors qualifications need to be brushed up on but that's a month and a few thousand.

Alternatively, I could simply become an instructor. I'd be excellent at it.

I'm not going to and it brings me to the point I tried to make (perhaps not too well). We get to a stage in our lives where 'follow your dreams' isn't a mantra we can live by without having a massive impact on others. As a responsible adult, you acknowledge your responsibilities and deal with them. For me (DH and I), 3 x school fees are something to think about. Luckily no mortgage but I don't want my children to see me chop and change without thinking about those who depend on me.

You didn't say why her DH was being a dick, did you? Supporting a bad move isn't being a good husband / wife. I'd rather an intelligent and supportive partner as opposed to a cheerleading-moron who told me the sky's the limit.

It isn't.

Maisy not the correct answer no.

But I will be totally honest and say i am surprised their lack of encouragement and in turn made me realise that I can never be anything, to speak of, which is a hard and bitter pill to swallow.

OK?

Supporting a bad move isn't being a good husband / wife. I'd rather an intelligent and supportive partner as opposed to a cheerleading-moron who told me the sky's the limit
I agree.
I considered going back to uni a few years ago. We decided me coming out of work wouldn't be doable so I did it part time around work and DH picked up more home chores to make it doable.

I'm glad he wasn't some sort of sky's the limit cheerleader because we sure as hell wouldn't be as financially secure as we are now had i quit my job to do it 'because it's my dream'.

Yeah, got it now, thanks.

LEM It's not undergraduate studies, it's a Masters! Financially that's a completely different kettle of fish

In fairness it wasn’t such an unfair point.applications to courses do soar after tv programmes about Teaching ,OBEM, paramedic,SW. and whilst these programme show an aspect of the jobs the programme is edited to be exciting,gripping and visually arresting - to pull viewers in

That’s why if one is considering a career being realistic is key.meet practitioners, meet tutors,get relevant experience.

You said you’ve Volunteered and got experience in field you’re interested in - great

Next consider
Finances eg fees, travel, books
placement eg who drop off and collect your kids if you are unable
Study time for assignments
How will do support you
Jobs in chose career, what’s job market like locally

Myblackheart
Ultimately, the decision to retrain is a big one and it's one that requires a lot more logistical planning than people realise.

On here you'll get the he's pissing on your dreams etc very easily mainly because I think people project a lot.

If I were you and you have considered the career and what ut entails, including jobs in your area, I would sit with DH and explain yo him the rational thinking behind your ideas and plan. Show him how it could work.
Be open to hearing his reservations (and I think he will have some valid ones) and together see if you can find a way to overcome them.

If you can, great.
If not, it might be a 'not now' thing and you do it later.
E.g. someone i retrained as a teacher was doing it once her kids were both in school even though her original plan was to do it when they were small

If he point blank won't engage with a reasonable and practical discussion then ypu need to have a more serious discussion about your relationship

Really, I have got it, thanks.

I'm surprised by a lot of the negative responses you are getting on here OP, in particular as this is something you have been thinking about for 5 years and getting some voluntary experience in, if I have read your previous posts correctly. It sounds to me as if you have thought this through and not just dropped this on your DH suddenly.

I went back to do a part time masters last September and am loving it and feel a different person when I'm in the library rather than stuck at home. It is possible to balance part time study with family life in particular if you are studying in a field where much of the reading is available online.

As far as dealing with costs and the impact of childcare when you are on placements, I suggest talking to the student services department to see what help is available. One of the girls on my course got help with childcare and travel costs. Also several people on my course are benefiting from loans to pay course fees knowing that they are unlikely ever to earn enough to be required to repay them.

I grew up with a mother who was pretty well forced to stay at home when she hated it (a trailing spouse) and living with a bored resentful and unfulfilled mother is not going to be good for your family nor a good role model for your children.