AIBU about going back to university?

[Myblackheart]

SIL was here last week visiting from abroad with her DS and during that time we went to an open day looking at courses for me to do with the view to getting a professional qualification.

It's something I know I've been interested in since the start of 2012 after seeing a documentary and I have really tried to get relevant experience and think now is a good time to apply for next September.

Dh was encouraging when sil was here but then afterwards said that sil had put ideas in my head and that it was a something to do.

He said the problem is I am thinking for the good of me and not for the family as a whole.

Is this a reasonable argument, when you become a parent.

Why don't you want to say what it is? Nobody can really help without knowing the details so there will be people moaning about your husband without having a clue if he has a fair and valid point.

So the thread is kinda pointless

I'm mostly a SAHM at the moment but I do a bit of paid work and some voluntary.

So your DH is happy for your life to revolve around the family while he goes out and pursues his own career aspirations? And if you want to do something for yourself, it's selfish?

Nice.

You only get one life, OP. You have to use it well.

Because that's my decision. I don't want people saying I shouldn't do it because they do it and don't like it. That's something I have to find out for myself. The point is, whether my husband is right and I should resign myself to a life at home, or not.

Is it appropriate for DH to consider how it affects the whole family, how realistic your plan is,etc? Yes.

Is it appropriate for him to tell you SIL " has put ideas in your head", or that you won't like it?
Hell no.

I don't know if that's fair that without knowing we can't judge.

It's not for us to say whether a career in x will be good or not for OP.

If she has decided it is then that's important.

It doesn't sound like she would be leaving a high paying job to do it.
I may be biased though as my husband has supported me through umpteen courses, degrees, postgraduate etc

I now have a career I love and he has been my biggest cheerleader all the way.

Nobody can say whether your husband is right without knowing the impact....

He may be right. He may be wrong. Neither mean you should 'resign yourself to a life at home'

Well if it harms your family (e.g. Loss of income that you can't afford, putting little babies into childcare) without bring any ultimate benefit (more income basically) then yes it is selfish. You should be able to work your own personal development around your family life. You don't need to go to university to educate yourself.

It does, if I'm being told retraining is selfish and I'd be shit at it!

The point is, whether my husband is right and I should resign myself to a life at home, or not.

OP, apologies for the multiple posts, but this is a very raw issue for me at the moment as I'm struggling to deal with the fallout from my mum's decision to do exactly that - she resigned herself to a life at home, and now she is desperately regretting those choices that she made. She feels that she wasted her potential and that she didn't make the most of her time. It breaks my heart.

So yes, I'm projecting, but I would hate others to end up in my mum's situation, bitterly regretting the opportunities that she didn't take and the experiences that she never had. Yes, she prioritised the needs of her family, but ultimately, her family wishes that she had prioritised herself a bit more, because her unhappiness is now making all of us unhappy.

It's possible to live your own life and care for your family well. I wish you the best of luck.

Re-training isn't selfish. How does he know you won't be the greatest whatever job person ever. Is he worried he might have to pull his weight around the house ? I totally understand why you don't want to say what it is because tons of people will say its a shit job I might if it was my old job

When me and my wife first moved into together she wanted to go to uni to pursue a degree that had really interested her so after lots of discussions she went and absolutely loved it and I couldn’t have been happier for her.

The only big problem for us was money and it really was a huge commitment that left us short for a good few years living off my wage which was crap at the time as I was setting up a career in a new job and her uni loan and part time wage from her job wasn’t fun it sucked big time. We didn’t have any children to think about either which meant that the decision only effected us. No holidays, no treats, no savings, very light on Christmas, very very light on birthdays basically if we could pay the bills every month and afford uni payments it was good times. But like I said she loved it and got so much out of it for me it was worth the sacrifice and I know she would 100% do the same for me if there was something I wanted to do and it was financially viable.

Sorry I’m not trying to put you off just stress that although you will probably really enjoy it and get a lot from it there are some pretty harsh realities when you actually do it.

But if money/child care and stuff is all good why not sit down with your husband and go through everything with him because it will be even harder to do without that support.

Yeah, I have done. Thanks.

Ok, if it's social work do it. It can be personally very fulfilling. The hours are fine, the workload can be overwhelming, the stress difficult to manage but hey ho someone has to do it, and the harder your route into it, the better committed you will be, the more mature you are probably the better suited, and if you can face down others negative perspectives you'll be better prepared for the inevitable hostility you face from the people you will work with.

I'm applying to do post grad in a similar area, in fact I shall face greater negativity and ignorance. Do people really believe psychoanalysis is a real science? You bet they don't! And with children? Ooh that's a bit woo. I have children and I am aware of the ambivalence to it, I have a partner who thinks it's all a bit a of an academic ego trip. But I'm doing it anyway.

Good luck

Re-training is not selfish. Wanting to so something different is not selfish.

However, is re-training feasible financily for you and your family?
You are a SAHM, is this because childcare fees make it impossible for you to work and, relying on just your DHs salary means you can just get by? Or does he earn a shit load and being a SAHM is because you don't need to work? If the former I'd say that re-training, full time uni and placements won't be possible as childcare costs will need to be taken in to consideration and might become financially unsuitable to your circumstances. If the latter I'd say he's being an arse.

Are you training just because you want something to do or because this is a career you want to pursue? If the former is there any way of doing it part-time/distance, if the latter go for it but make sure you have a plan in place for when you are employed.

I want to retrain and conplete a masters. We cannot afford for me to become a full time student and therefore I need to look at online qualifications and the Open Uni. Should I go to a brick and mortar uni I'd definitely be being selfish.

It's hard to say without the specifics.

If you're not really working at the moment and the course will result in a career, I think yanbu. It's lookinng at the big picture, ie in 5 years or whatever the kids will be more independent - where do you want to be? By that time you could have a new career! And you'd be able to financially contribute to the household. Great for you and the family.

Retraining is likely to be a more certain path than trying to get into a profession another way.

What is it your dh is worried about - the short term disruption of the course or the job at the end of It? It's not selfish to want to fulfil your potential. It's actually healthy and it's what you will way for your own dc.

So many spelling mistakes, bloody phone.

Fact is your dh has grown used to your availability and it allows his career to progress unimpeed. He feels threatened by fact you may start your own career and he will have to increase his availability and provide childcare when you’re on placement and at uni .

1. You need to find out is it dh knee jerk reaction to change, but he’ll calm down and support you

Or

1. He is opposed to you return to uni and start a course was it impacts on him and he’s not willing to suport you

If it’s is option 1, you need a good frank discuss and then plan and look at the practicalities of how you both make this work

If it is option 2, well that problematic. You need to put it to him you’ve supported his career and now it tome to reciprocate . You cannot remain unfulfilled because he’s resistant to change

As individuals we can pursue something just for ourself and work is such a thing. One can be a ft working parent it’s not a huge compromise At work I’m able to use my training and skills and get recognition and affirmation from that. My work is significant to me and it’s mine, something I derive individual pride from. on a family level my salary contribute to mortgage, provides security etc. My children get to see mum working, I’m a good role mode, it’s positive that they see mum work.

It's a difficult one because we don't know you like your husband does and so don't know what lies behind his reasoning. Do you have a history of picking things up and losing interest quickly? Do you often complain of being overwhelmed but then take on lots more stuff?

Just from some experience of University recruitment, Social Work and Midwifery often have waves of interest from people which are often quite media driven (think Baby P, Call the Midwife, One Born Every Minute). Often these come from people with the idea SW is going to be going in to awful homes and sweeping up babies and taking them to rose tinted futures. Or for midwifery, lots of water births with glowing, grateful families. In the case of SW you will probably spend more time with teenagers who hate you and view you as an obstacle rather than a help who you can only move from one crap situation to another slightly less crap one. And SW will often be leaving babies and toddlers in some pretty bad situations because research shows that often removing them makes their outcomes even worse. And a lot of midwifery students aren't prepared for the reality of being pissed on, shat on, covered in blood and dealing with scared, angry shouty people who are really pissed off with them.

The dropout rate for older students with families could sometimes be notable. Some older students were better prepared as they are better used to handling stress and time management. Some really aren't prepared for the extra commitment and haven't really thought through how they are going to fit their family commitments around placements in particular.

I don't know if any of these apply to you, but if you think they could it's worth thinking about. It's also worth considering if you need to take an 'either/or' approach. Going back to a career doesn't necessarily mean taking on an expensive to train for, high stress, high attrition rate career. There are other ways.

Don't resign yourself to a life at home! You never know what will happen with your husband and his job. I would go for it. perhaps do look at the pay though eg if it is worse than unqualified jobs (some professional jobs are badly paid) then may not be worth it. I thought it was going to be law and as pay in that can be very high woud be even more supportive of that and that clearly benefits a family, having a high paid mother (or father) in it. However even something which is not so well paid but has potential for higher pay is very sensible to do to protect our family even if it means your husband ends up with more evenings on his own or arranging childcare or scrubbing the loos at home himself.

But surely this isn't clear cut? I mean, I would love to go back to uni but for us, at the moment it would be a selfish choice as it would cost us too much in terms of money, logistics, time etc. DH wouldn't be unreasonable to point that out, in as much as I wouldn't if he wanted to go back at the moment.

Where is the uni compared to you? How would you fund it? How old are your kids? How would you all balance the new commitment? How many hours a week is it etc?

Wanting to better yourself is never a bad thing, but as an adult in a family sometimes you have to balance commitments, male or female.

LipstickHandbagCoffee
Fact is your dh has grown used to your availability and it allows his career to progress unimpeed. He feels threatened by fact you may start your own career and he will have to increase his availability and provide childcare when you’re on placement and at uni .

that is an opinion not a fact.

Myblackheart

Without knowing what the course is etc. everything is supposition

Don’t take this the wrong way but you need to toughen up a bit.if you’re going to be put off new career by dh and mn replies. My field is routinely pilloried in media, goes with the role. I work in a high pressure job and I know that going in, however it feels like I’m doing something that matters, something in itself for me.

In any demanding career You’ll meet folk who do the head tilt and say i don’t know how you do it/ I could never do that job or can be over approving with a unrealistic notion of it.

I’d say it’s more more realistic for you to try meet with workers and recent graduates form the profession you’re considering. Get a realistic handle on the job,the personal,and professional demands, the placements, the essays. Can uni let you talk to a recent graduate of the course, talk about recent experience of the course

You’ll not be the first parent on the course and not the last.but you need to make changes to attend uni and dh needs to step up to support you

Wanting to better yourself is not wrong. The time ideally though is when young and with no commitments so the only person it affects is you.

Plunging the family into debt, you not working for a further x years and paying out in childcare when bringing in no salary are all very valid reasons to him likely. He's already the sole earner without any added pressures.

He also knows you well so if he thinks it won't realistically turn into a well paid job role that you will like he's not wrong to raise that.

Doesn’t matter what the course is, her dh has signalled he doesn’t support it. Cause it doesn’t suit him, he’s had an uninterrupted career and not had to accommodate the op

I started University in September, it is hard work and I am doing this degree to peruse my dream job because I know it will lead to a better life for my daughter and I. I am well aware that when I finish this degree I will have 35 years to work and build a career. My partner is supportive and things are tight but looking at the bigger picture in four years. I love my daughter but I also need a career that makes me happy to wake up in the morning and change the lives of others long after my daughter leaves home and forges her own life.
My family have been incredibly supportive because they know I want better for my daughter , that I want her to lead by my example in achieving what makes me happy to get up and go to work.
When I have felt guilty about leaving my daughter at the childminders I remember that if I was working full time again I would be doing the same. (I think that makes sense) my lecturers say to me well done for wanting to achieve a career that will show my daughter that hard work pays off