AIBU about going back to university?

[Myblackheart]

SIL was here last week visiting from abroad with her DS and during that time we went to an open day looking at courses for me to do with the view to getting a professional qualification.

It's something I know I've been interested in since the start of 2012 after seeing a documentary and I have really tried to get relevant experience and think now is a good time to apply for next September.

Dh was encouraging when sil was here but then afterwards said that sil had put ideas in my head and that it was a something to do.

He said the problem is I am thinking for the good of me and not for the family as a whole.

Is this a reasonable argument, when you become a parent.

i think it’s really positive op is thinking of her career and ambitions, shame her dp appear reluctant

It may well be a selfish decision, but there's nothing wrong with being selfish from time to time. Yes, even if you're a mum, even if it means putting the family out a bit it's ok to remind everyone that you're a person in your own right, with your own wants, needs and wishes. It's all too easy to support everyone else's future and while they're off doing their thing realise your own life has passed you by in a whirl of dishes, dinners and laundry. Parenting is by its very nature sacrificial - it's fine to find space for yourself and let DH pick up some of the slack.

It's no bad thing for you to put yourself first - you've done your research, looked at the challenges and still want to do it, go ahead and apply.

Nobody should ever be forced to stay at home parent if they don’t want to.
A job with a professional qualification sounds like a good idea. Does it have crazy shift patterns though?
Your dh is being very unsupportive - is that specific to this course or any return to a career?
Tbh you’ve not really shared enough info OP.
I would 100% support anyway be wanting a new career but there are limits - eg if it makes the other persons career unfeasible due to shifts when no childcare is available or involves a lot of travel and overnights and leaves your partner solo parenting a lot.

A qualification is usually a good thing to do, but it should be a family decision - not just yours. If you have DCs and/or you expect your DH to support your financially while you do it, then he obviously gets a say.

My DW is retraining as a nurse and whilst we knew it wouldn't be a picnic there were definitely things we didn't think of.
-Despite a bursary and no fees, it is frigging expensive; books, printing resources, uniforms, travel to and from placements. One of her placements wasn't accessible by public transport by 8.30am meaning we had to buy a second car . There is no demanding a different placement or a later start
-Finding time to study and complete coursework means a lot less family time
We have no kids and I was/am thrilled she is getting the opportunity to fulfil her ambition but I would think it would be selfish of her if we had kids and don't think I would be behind her as much

Why so,thepink Why does woman career have to stall because there are kids?cant two adults pull together to minimise disruptions? Why is it selfish for a woman?is it equally selfish for man to have reluctance

Myblackheart

You need to talk properly to your DH about this and in a way that sets out all of the financial, childcare, transport etc. needs.

Why does woman career have to stall because there are kids?
It doesn't but they nade the decision together dor her to be a SAHP and their decisiojs so far have been based on that arrangement
cant two adults pull together to minimise disruptions?
It depends what those disruptions are.
E.g. husband works 45 mins away in one direction from chikdcare and OP gets a placement 1h30 ij the opposite direction might mean neither can get ti childcare pickup on time. That's not being stubborn or an arse. It's just an ubfortunate potential situation

Why is it selfish for a woman?
It would be selfish of any party in a relationship to say 'i want to do this so i"m doing it regardless of the impact on the family'. Not just a woman.
is it equally selfish for man to have reluctance
Not selfish to have reservations at all.
It is sensible to work out tje logistics rather than doing what people on here are suggesting which is call the DH a dick and tell the OP to do what she wants anyway and he will just have to sort it. Seems a bit like 'i resent being at home and would love to stick two fingers up and do what i want but i can't so i'll tell someone else to'.

Lipstick absolutely nothing to do with the fact she's a woman. So am I. It's because there have been a number of sacrifices by both of us which we're both happy to do but they would be tenfold if kids were in the mix as well. I think it would be selfish expecting our entire hypothetical family to have less financially and emotionally for the good of one person.

But fine for that one person to have less financially and emotionally.

Not at the expense of everyone else, no.

MyBlackHeart you wouldn't have less than you do now, if you don't do the masters right now. On the other hand, your entire family will have less money and less time if you do do it now. See the difference?

You need to think about all of the implications.

How old are the kids?

Plenty families manage with a parent as a nurse thepink,I’m not saying it’s a skoosh.it brings its challenges. But not insurmountable. But a parent training as a nurse when they have dc is pretty common. I Still can’t see the reason one parent wouldn’t pursue career because they have kids.

Having kids isn’t a giving things up competition. Whom ever gave up most is best. No

To an extent kids fit in around parents. Our dc fit in around two Ft working parents by attending Afterschool, holiday clubs etc

Of course many do Lipstick. But what I'm saying is, is that my income certainly wouldn't support a wife retrain and kids comfortably - and I earn slightly higher than average. I don't think a partner is necessarily a prick for not blindly agreeing. We don't know op's income, number of kids, how far from the university they live etc etc. So she might be being hugely self centred and selfish or her husband might be an unsupportive arse. Without context we just don't know but automatically assuming he's unreasonable is pointless

But in your given sceanario the pink,upon completion your dw would be in receipt of a wage. A second wage that would increase the overall family income.nursing is financed With student loan etc which is paid on graduating when attain a certain wage

I don't think a partner is necessarily a prick for not blindly agreeing. We don't know op's income, number of kids, how far from the university they live etc etc. So she might be being hugely self centred and selfish or her husband might be an unsupportive arse. Without context we just don't know but automatically assuming he's unreasonable is pointless
This x 10000000
When i decided to retrain we worked out cost of bills etc. dh (then DP) could cover the bills and my student loan covered other expenses. If we had kids there is no way it would have been financially viable. I did it and retrained. I looked at doing a further course to help my career, it wasn't viable so I did it part time. Sadly in life blindly signing up to do things doesn't generally end well (I know people who haven't finished degrees and masters etc because they signed up thinking it would all be fine but no real consideration if circumstances change and then they've not managed it)

Only the OP knows her exact situation financially and the logistics around childcare etc. Anyone blindly telling her to do it and calling the DH a dick without the information is unreasonable.

That's true lipstick. But a future wage doesn't change the immediate financial needs and logistics.

We don't know if thr OP is reasonable or not / her DH is reasonable ir not.
The best advice anyone can give on this thread is for them to sit down and work it out logically, considering all the options and then decide.
Any other advice is just nonsense.

I’m a bit worried by the number of times people on mumsnet said “they agreed together she’d sahp so that’s how it is”
I don’t think anyone should be held to these decisions forever. Children grow up, the sahp role changes and a parent who was happy at home with preschoolers is allowed to want a career when the children are at school, and even if the children didn’t grow and change any human is allowed to change their mind about wanting to sahp at any time. Having an adult trapped in a role they don’t want is not good for the family.

I start a course next week which will take me out of the house from around 7am until around 7pm, 5 days a week, for the next six months. And then it'll be full-time work, probably involving travel and weekends, for the foreseeable.

My husband, quite rightly, altered his hours at work, will deliver the children to school, pick them up, clean and cook dinner. He has been supportive. He is looking forward to the new opportunities this brings. He also appreciates he's had a decade of my free childcare and thus his career has flourished, and now it's my turn.

Declaring your desire to study as 'selfish' or 'not good for the family' is a roundabout way of saying 'stay a SAHM forever so I never have to do anything'. It's what wankers say, who want slaves, not wives.

Assuming your idea isn't completely potty, like an MA in Clown Studies and you want to join the circus, or a waste of money like learning a near-dead language from an island in the South Pacific.

Expect a fifty-fifty split on here, though. You'll have plenty of posters who don't agree with mothers full-time working. That we should just get 'nice' jobs in the local charity shop or perhaps as a dinner lady. That's good and proper.

(fucks me right off, that attitude.)

And obviously it's not as militant as "Yeah, you go girl, if you wanna join the RAF or an oil rig and bugger off for two years at a time, you tell him he ain't gonna tie you down!!"

There's a spectrum.

And in the middle is - you deserve a career just as much as he does.

And if he has any valid responses, he can make them. "...putting ideas in your head" is not a valid response (like you're some sort of moron who can't make decisions), nor is "Working mothers are selfish!" or "It's not good for the family, all this working and stuff. What if your brain gets so big you don't wash my socks anymore?"

As I have repeatedly said, they need to discuss the finances and practicalities
Op says at mo,he is simply saying no. That’s not an adequate adult need to sit and write the pro and cons and talk

Can’t help but guess, social work?

You need to think long term. I went back to do a 4yr vocational degree. Felt like a long time initially but now I’ve been in my career for 9 years. Go for it if you want it

the OPs DP has said more than just "no".

I disagree that the OP should stay a SAHP, but without a full and proper talk, the OP won't know if this is a viable possibility.

Is that fact or opinion there?

Lipstick the OP isn't being forthcoming with any additional information.

No mention of finances, childcare, family implications, study time, placements or career opportunities despite being asked.

She has simply said her DP said no and that's it.

There's definitely more to be said than has been said so far.

LipstickHandbagCoffee
Is that fact or opinion there?

It is a fact based on what the OP has posted.

first and second posts, so he hasn't just said no, he has given some poor reasons.