Is it real or..?

[Lucyyati]

I met this guy just over 7 months ago. We are in two different continents.
I'm 25 and he is 37.
We talk all the time, video chat a lot, we text all day. We just love updating each other and making fun of each other. We laugh together and cry and we talk about all sorts of stuff. We both don't care about the age gap, and even though we haven't physically met, I have never been so sexually attracted to anyone.
So in a different scenario this would be an ideal relationship. He has been begging to come see me but I'm so scared that all this perfection shatters and it's not as great as I hoped.
The other thing is I find it strange that he hasn't had a relationship longer than two years, and only in about 3 relationships in his lifetime. All of which he had his heart broken. AIBU? Or is it normal? He is Christian and he is a very respectful gentleman so I don't know.
And he has had quite a few jobs in his life and now he is starting his own business.

I'm worried that he is afraid of commitment with his job changes and his relationship history. Although nothing else he does makes me think this way. He says he has never met someone who he can see a future with before, and the things I shared with him would send anyone running, but he stayed and said he will be supportive no matter what.

I'm taking very small tiny steps but not fully investing emotionally. As much as I want to I'm scared. What should I do?

I’m sorry that my last response to you didn’t directly answer your original question, we all got a bit side-tracked about the ‘online’ nature of the relationship.

Have you addressed him directly about how his relationship history + his age might flag ‘commitment issues’? I’m guessing it wouldn’t be the first time he’s heard it, what with a sister and all! His answer would be telling, especially if you pressed the point a couple of times! I’d personally go this far ‘what would your sister/bff/exgf say about the ‘commitment issue’ thing? You must get that a bit!?’.

I guess it’s an advantage of it being an online relationship (!) that you can pose deep questions and give him some space to consider the answer. And maybe even ask him to ask his trusted people their opinions and get back to you.

In a world of butterflies and pretty flowers, I would like to believe he is your soul mate and this is destiny. Although no matter what faith, it's not an excuse to have short term relationships and multiple jobs. It screams of someone who gets bored easy, plus the business thing, maybe someone with their head in the clouds.

Sorry to burst your bubble.

I'm wondering if he's hoping for UK citizenship, as you'd be incentivised to get married so he could stay long term, if the relationship side of thing works.

It's not the same culture, but I have Muslim friends who put up the bond, got a house, all seemed idyllic, the guy runs off with the money. I've known this to happen 4 times, which isn't very many, but still enough to make me wary.

It's your life though, so ultimately follow you heart & gut feelings. Meeting will pretty much tell you if there's a spark, but I'm guessing he can't afford to come here, plus he has his business to create. So I'd say you're looking at a trip to South Africa, which could be a good experience.

You say he has money. However, you don’t know where he got that money from in the first place. He may have earnt it or he may have scammed it. If he’s a scammer and he’s good at what he does, it may be very lucrative. Otoh, he may be a straight up guy. But these are few and far between. Glad you’re being very careful.

@theoldtrout01876 that's great to hear! Hope you guys have a great life. I am not ready to think about marriage just yet. I simply wanna know if I should venture further into getting to know him which I probably will.

@Skittlesandbeer thank you. Yeah I have asked him why his relationships didn't last many times. I wanted to see how consistent he was with his answers. He always tells me the same things and in detail. To sum it up he got cheated on twice and is picky with women. With regards to the job changes, it does seem like he gets bored. But yeah I will definitely ask him directly about commitment issues. Never thought of that.

@EverythingRightNow See above please. Also, I am taking things slow, and he is not rushing either, as he says once his business takes off we can think of who wants to relocate where if that's what I want. However, he did also say that if at any time I felt ready (which I'm not) I can go and he would be happy to take care of me there. Like I just am not seeing any alarm signs with him with regards to him trying to take something from me.

@Mummyoflittledragon he has a wealthy family. (To everyone else this is not a lie, I am certain of it), and also he has worked all his life and saved up.

Thank you everyone,
Need to get to the bottom of the commitment thing x

Ok, OP, the very best of luck to you, I think you will need it.

Thank you xx

Best of luck OP, I really hope it goes well.

Hey guys

Sorry I don't know what happened there.
In case anyone is interested, i asked him about the relationship and work thing and commitment. He responded with this, and also we spoke and he basically said the same stuff again on the phone.

I don't think it's fair to judge somebody because they haven't been in a three, four five year relationship. I have never met someone that I believe I can genuinely be with for all my life. You just know when you see the one I know the distance is hard.
I know sometimes it's easy to pretend that you are something you're not behind a screen but we have spoken enough to know about each other and who we are.
And I have never hidden anything from you.
I am just one of these people that likes to go for what i love. I like to go after my passion. I love what I'm doing. It's fun and exciting. Don't want to be old and miserable and didn't do what I love and what makes me happy, stuck in a 9-5 desk job. I understand it's the internet and we have progressed as a human race. The dynamic of online dating has changed. It used to be for lonely people or nerds, but in a few years time it won't be weird anymore.
I don't think I'm scared of commitment. I'm still here. I have never one day walked out on you or shown you anything to believe that I will. I am here for the long haul. I want to weather the storm with you. It's about the good and the bad and getting through it together

I asked him to come see me already and he has agreed to it.
We shall see.

I'm a bit of an old cynic, but that has a few alarm bells ringing for me. Basically, he hasn't even met you yet, but he's assuring you he's here for the long haul. How does he know? There's a lacking in realism in declaring a commitment to you before you've even met. Beware the man that rushes into telling you he loves you straight away.

Anyway, all I'll say to you is to set some rules for yourself:

1.Don't give him any money.
2.Don't give him any money.
3.Don't give him any money.

As long as you stick those 3 simple rules, you'll be fine.

'I want to weather the storm with you' - says someone you have never met.
OP look up lovebombing and future faking. I think both are relevant here.

Yeah it's a little intense to be honest

I understand the point about feeling that you've met the one even if you haven't actually met yet, on the basis that that person can be everything you want them to be because it's easy for them to gage what it is you want them to be and vice versa. That doesn't mean I think he or you are lying about who you are, just that being "together" long distance like this presents an awful lot of possibilities in terms of being able to talk when you're happy, not having to deal with the mess or the fact they snore or take up the whole bed etc etc.

But as I said in my previous post, I do know couples who have met in this way and who have made it work.

Having said that though, is it just a fling you want? Because the likelihood of ever being able to be together permanently is extremely slim. You live in the US, and it's highly unlikely that he would be able to gain a visa to go and live there given he doesn't as yet have a job or a career. He may be well off in South African terms, but the South African. Rand is currently trading at 18-1 against the pound, so not much less against the dollar. If he were to emigrate his rands would be virtually worthless.

And while South Africa is a beautiful country, they have a lot of issues, extreme poverty, extreme unemployment, high rates of HIV, heading into a potential period of political instability. High, high crime rate, and I say this as someone who grew up there and would love to go back, but given how things are there atm I would never advise it.

If a fling is all you want, then meet up, but all this talk of being the one etc is highly unlikely to work out because of logistics alone. If it's permanency you are both looking for then as hard as it is it might be better to walk away now before you meet up and either of you gets any more hurt.

And no, I'm afraid I don't believe in if it's real love then you'll find a way. Unfortunately the real world doesn't work like that.

The last paragraph doesn’t really make sense.

Oh blimey the warning bells are ringing loudly.
I have friends from south Africa and I've been on holiday there. To qualify my next statement - there is NO WAY I would go to sa on my own to meet a man I've not actually met in person. Too dangerous.

There was an article in the guardian about this exact scenario a few weeks ago. I'll post a link if I can find it.

Please go out in the real world to meet real people x

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/feb/11/internet-scams-dating-romance-money

Please stay safe.
Don't send him any money.
Don't go to meet him on your own in a different country.