Is it real or..?

[Lucyyati]

I met this guy just over 7 months ago. We are in two different continents.
I'm 25 and he is 37.
We talk all the time, video chat a lot, we text all day. We just love updating each other and making fun of each other. We laugh together and cry and we talk about all sorts of stuff. We both don't care about the age gap, and even though we haven't physically met, I have never been so sexually attracted to anyone.
So in a different scenario this would be an ideal relationship. He has been begging to come see me but I'm so scared that all this perfection shatters and it's not as great as I hoped.
The other thing is I find it strange that he hasn't had a relationship longer than two years, and only in about 3 relationships in his lifetime. All of which he had his heart broken. AIBU? Or is it normal? He is Christian and he is a very respectful gentleman so I don't know.
And he has had quite a few jobs in his life and now he is starting his own business.

I'm worried that he is afraid of commitment with his job changes and his relationship history. Although nothing else he does makes me think this way. He says he has never met someone who he can see a future with before, and the things I shared with him would send anyone running, but he stayed and said he will be supportive no matter what.

I'm taking very small tiny steps but not fully investing emotionally. As much as I want to I'm scared. What should I do?

The trouble with the internet, is that you can build a very idealised picture of someone in your head. When you meet them, they can be really quite different from that picture. It doesn't necessarily mean things won't work when you do - it just means that there's a slightly higher risk of disappointment!

I agree with pps.

And he has had quite a few jobs in his life and now he is starting his own business.

That's a concern, as it fits the script of many scammers. Doesn't prove he is one, but needs considering.

I'd advise against letting him pay for your flight, as it places you under an obligation later (I paid for your flight, now you pay me back by investing your life savings).

Separately, I would advise against meeting him there. If he comes to you with a hotel room booked then you can keep him at arms' length until you're totally assured of his good faith. First internet meetings must always be in a public place.

Please be careful, OP.

Not only does this have "very common scam to get to the US/UK" written all over it, but you just don't know this man at all - of course he can be kind and patient when you are just chatting by text and video.

A relative of mine recently had a very nasty experience with a man she met on holiday. They made plans for her to visit him for the weekend (Germany) and well, it was just awful, he became jealous, angry and actually violent to her and the police had to be called. She had to be taken to a hotel and then be flown home. She was terrified and all alone in a foreign city. And this was someone she had already met and spent time with.

I know he also wants to have sex, but whatever happens has to be on my terms and I made that clear to him.

Each time you add something else, a little alarm bell goes off in my head. Sorry OP.

The job history and the new business make me incredibly suspicious of this one. He could be genuine, or he could well be playing you: there's a scenario where he books the hotel to make you feel it's all fine, but then he "can't bear to leave", oh dear the room isn't available, wouldn't it be lovely to be together 24 hours a day, and before you know where you are he's moved in and has no intention of going back.

I mean we are both attracted to each other. It's natural for sex to come up eventually. But he would never force me into anything. And I wouldn't do it with him the first time he visits anyway. Am I really that gullible

There's a wonderful podcast on just now called Dirty John. Give it a listen

If you’re talking sex you know the adult HIV rate in South Africa is close to 20% don’t you? I think it’s the highest in the world.

So if you do end up meeting him you have to be able to have a sensible discussion around that.

The only way you'll know is to meet him.

Have him come to the UK and stay in a hotel and go for lunch and don't have sex.

For gods sake don't go to visit him, don't give him any money and don't rush into sex just because you feel like you know him well already

People who text all day aren’t doing something more useful with their time.
Sounds like a scam.

I agree with Ceto

Sounds fishy

I have never been more sexually attracted to a man

I wouldn’t do it with him the first time he visits anyway

You think you’d be able to wait until the next time he comes, whenever that may be? You wouldn’t feel the pressure to sleep with him?

"he would never force me"

You havn't even met, you can't possibly know that!

Online is so different to meeting in real life. Many years ago when I was single I dabbled with internet dating. Found a nice guy, reasonably intelligent and articulate, looked just like Pierce Brosnan (I mean exactly like him). When we actually met, he walked with his head down and shoulders stooped as he felt too tall, reeked of BO and damp/mould, and was Soul crushingly shy. Needless to say things didn’t work out well.

If this guy wants to meet up, be very careful. I’d say do not travel to him, you don’t know what you could end up involved with. Let him come to you, make sure he books a hotel, not at your home and see how you get on.

Don’t worry too much about his lack of previous relationships, if everything he tells you is true he may just be a perfect man in no rush to settle down. On the other hand, he could be spinning you a massive web of lies.

By the way guys, the business IS real. He always gets me to check out the work he does on his websites and takes advice and edits it. And he sets up meetings and I know about them. I've seen his diary, I've heard his Calls. I do not believe he is lying in that aspect.

Is he the South African party in this scenario or are you? Anyway - if it's him a LOT of South Africans right now are looking for ways to get to other countries and your US citizenship would be hugely appealing to him. That, and the money.
Take care is all. He might be genuine. He might not.

Ahhhh!
Okay thank you everyone.. I do think your advice has me thinking Ina slightly different direction. I think I will ask him to come and stay in a hotel and meet him in public before I invest any further emotionally

You're not listening Lucyyati. You desperately want it to be real.

It isn't.

So I should just end it?

I don't want to be left wondering

The alarm bells rang when you mentioned different continents I'm afraid.
It's not real, you've never met.

Meet him. And take a friend.

Something is bothering you about him. The trouble is these posts will make you want to defend him from everyone's suspicions. But something doesn't sit right with you, or at least it seems that way to me from your posts, so try and listen to those instincts. And watch out if he comes to you - could give him a sense of entitlement, remember you don't owe him anything.

He is the South African

Alarm bells ringing here too. I hope you haven't given him too many personal details.. Address? Workplace? Places you often visit?