Fairness or favouritism..?

[wasabipeas]

3 siblings, A, B and C

B and C have completed their families, A and DP have been TTC for 5+ years.
After several rounds of self-funded IVF and tests, A, B and C's parents offered to pay for more IVF

A accepts the offer and parents give them a fairly large amount of cash for more IVF, which is successful and they now have a baby.

C finds out that parents funded this and is cross that they haven't been offered an equivalent amount of money for their family. C has approached B and wants them to jointly speak to parents and ask for the same cash amount that was given to A.

B is refusing, saying that A is now just on a level footing to them in having a family, and will tell parents they don't owe B or C anything if C persists

C argues that A had holidays etc in while TTC and that money should have been put towards IVF and parents wouldn't have had to pay, and if parents gave them money, they could take their own DCs on holidays and give them opportunities.

WIBU?

I can see both sides on the gift itself. It depends if you want equality of help or equality of outcomes. You could say its not the As fault they had fertility issues but many people would think it was unfair if their siblings got money because they were suffering financial problems and they got nothing because they were financially secure. I don't think it makes any difference what the underlying hardship is.

If this were my family, C would have been written out of the will. What a disgusting attitude.

While pregnant there was a time when we thought the baby might be born with a condition that would significantly limit his future fertility and would definitely require reproductive assistance for him to have children.

We talked to family and decided that we would start a little fund if DS had this condition, so that there would be money for him to get whatever assistance he needed if that became necessary. As it turned out, DS was perfectly healthy and normal! But if he had actually had this condition, there was no talk of putting aside similar quantities of money for siblings.

If someone needed, say, an experimental cancer treatment, should the parents make sure they're also giving out that money to the other siblings? C is a real C.

I just don't think you can put aside the reason for the financial assistance, its central.
I also don't think this kind of gift of money applies to things like buying a car or a house - because you can always wait and save or just buy a smaller house or a cheaper car.
With fertility treatment there is a window of time, it gets harder to get a successful outcome by the year and you can't reduce your costs regardless of whether or not it is successful.

But it will be up to the Op's IL's to decide whether they want to "even things up". Going by what the Op has described I suspect they will.

I can totally agree with c, that parents should try and give equally to all their children. I don't think it's right though, saying they had lots of holidays so should pay for it themselves....that doesn't seem to matter, as the op said the holidays were taken before they were TTC. Perhaps the parents have put extra in their will for b and c, without them knowing. As a parent, I would hate for one of my children to think I had given more to the other..

I imagine before your in-laws gave you and your husband the money, they would have spoken about giving one child money and not the other two, and I assume they agreed that this was outside of the usual ‘give everyone the same’ because you are in your circumstance by misfortune and not through your own choices, and it was making your lives miserable and there was nothing you could do about it. I don’t see a bit of foot stamping and ‘it’s not fair’ from a 34 year old woman wanting money to ‘even it out’ so they can go on holiday is going to wash with them.

And even if it does and SIL gets the money, try and let it go. The important thing is that you got your lovely baby and your pain ended. She’s just not that nice and compassionate and that’s not a nice place to be. Just think how angry she must be that she’s brought it up with her other brother and trying gang up to confront her parents. It’s probably going round and round in her head annoying her every day. It’s a shame because I’m in the same situation and I’m just so grateful my lovely sister isn’t going through something so sad and I have a wonderful new niece.

It's none of C's business.

But then, if I was in A's position, I wouldn't take what I assume is a significant amount of money from my parents. And it doesn't sound like A is planning to pay it back!

I suppose...a child is a WANT to have not a NEED to have? But I would never begrudge anyone the chance to have a baby, obviously!

Money does funny things to people. C is a dick, A shouldn't have taken the money. B seems like the only decent one!

Fuck, sorry! I don't know why I didn't see past the OP!

Congratulations on your baby.

Every child should get what they need.

Every child’s wants should be covered equally.

There’s no other way.

If A had been badly burned in a car accident and needed cosmetic surgery the NHS wouldn’t pay for, should C be allowed to kick off over that?

Treating people fairly doesn’t always mean treating them the same. Your PILs gave you the money for something very specific aftern you’d exhausted all your own finances and other options. They didn’t just hand over a wad of cash for the sake of it. C is being a spoiled brat.

What does she want the money for?