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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fairness or favouritism..?

111 replies

wasabipeas · 26/10/2017 13:44

3 siblings, A, B and C

B and C have completed their families, A and DP have been TTC for 5+ years.
After several rounds of self-funded IVF and tests, A, B and C's parents offered to pay for more IVF

A accepts the offer and parents give them a fairly large amount of cash for more IVF, which is successful and they now have a baby.

C finds out that parents funded this and is cross that they haven't been offered an equivalent amount of money for their family. C has approached B and wants them to jointly speak to parents and ask for the same cash amount that was given to A.

B is refusing, saying that A is now just on a level footing to them in having a family, and will tell parents they don't owe B or C anything if C persists

C argues that A had holidays etc in while TTC and that money should have been put towards IVF and parents wouldn't have had to pay, and if parents gave them money, they could take their own DCs on holidays and give them opportunities.

WIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
wasabipeas · 26/10/2017 15:47

velvet
I suppose it comes down to what you think is more 'unfair' - that DH and I needed 5 rounds of IVF to get our family, with MCs along the way, and at huge emotional and financial cost, when C conceived hers easily and quickly

Or that it is 'unfair' that we got money to get something that she got for free, so she should get money to spend on holidays and treats for her DCs that ours probably won't get while we try and get ourselves back on an even financial keel after years of forking out

OP posts:
ExPresidents · 26/10/2017 15:48

They sound grabby but treating kids differently is unfair. When they're younger is fights over sweets, adults fight over money

No it isn't, they have different needs.

I have a lot of siblings. If my parents died tomorrow I would expect them to leave their money disproportionately to one sibling who needs more support due to social difficulties, and to others who are younger and haven't been to university or bought a house yet.

My parents didn't help me to buy a house, but I also wouldn't be growing up as a teenager without them, so who gives a shit about money in those circumstances.

I really can't comprehend these people who think every penny of somebody else's hard earned cash has to be split exactly evenly completely ignoring any other circumstances.

WaxOnFeckOff · 26/10/2017 15:48

I'm sure my DS1 would rather not have shitty eyesight than have received the benefit of us paying for his glasses. Obviously in a lesser league to the OPs issues, but it equates nicely. IF Ds2 had needed glasses or his teeth fixed he'd have got it paid for without DS1 expecting the monetary equivalent.

Other things such as Uni they will be offered the same as that is the fair thing in that particular circumstance. DS1 is definitely going. DS2 will get the same amount to go to Uni, if he chooses not to go then his money will be put aside for him for something else. That's fair and equal because they both have the same opportunity.

soupforbrains · 26/10/2017 15:52

My parents helped my DSis to conceive by paying for IVF. I am also one for 3 children. My mother did make a point of saying to me something about balancing it out in the will but it had NEVER EVER crossed my mind. How on earth could I possibly begrudge my sister the opportunity of having a child with her husband?

There may well come a time when I need help from my parents for something similar and I am sure they would help me. My parent's have also helped both my siblings with deposits for their first houses. I am yet to be in a position where I can afford a mortgage, I am sure my parents will help me too but just because they have helped the others it doesn't give me any RIGHT to the same amount financially.

Congrats on your baby by the way, try not to let any of it annoy you, don't waste your energy on it. xxx

diddl · 26/10/2017 15:53

Parents didn't have to pay they chose to.

Trying not to sound too awful, but it wasn't entirely selfless on their part, was it?

How did C find out-that would be pissing me off.

Congratulations, Op.

permatiredmum · 26/10/2017 15:53

WTAF!
Parents have an bsolute right to spend their money how they wish.It is nobody else's business!

PostcodeJack · 26/10/2017 15:56

Errm...when did anyone have rights over somone else's money? It's lovely that your parents have been able to give you the opportunity to have a family but, that aside, they could have given you 10k to bet on red and it still has nothing to do with C. Tell him to do one x

hcbaggs · 26/10/2017 15:58

I think it is unreasonable to expect that A shouldn't be entitled to some holidays whilst going through such a stressful and disheartening situation.

Congratulations on baby, OP! This is wonderful news, don't let C take that away from you Grin Flowers

lalalalyra · 26/10/2017 16:01

The only time C would have cause to complain about unfairness would be if she also needed medical help and her parents said no.

Seriously, one of my kids cribbing that we'd help another with a medical issue would see the will rewritten and they wouldn't bloody like the new one. I'd be appalled at them.

You didn't produce the first grandson/granddaughter did you? Just wondering if there's another reason C's nose is out of joint.

Tarriance · 26/10/2017 16:14

C was unreasonable, none of her business.

Surely it's not 'fair' that B & C were able to conceive and complete their families without the additional help that A needed.

steppemum · 26/10/2017 16:23

my parents have quite a lot of money and have been generous to all of us in the past.

they are always scrupulous about being 'fair' in the money they give out. But actually as their adult chidl, I really don't care how they spread the money.
If one of my siblings needed it for IVF, I would be delighted that parents had th emoney to help and woudn't begrudge them any.
They have done a lot more child care for some of us than others, as some of us had 2 working parents and others didn't.

By the same token, I do more to help them out as I live closer.

I think becuase they have always made a point of being equivalent and fair, we know that is their heart and we are happy to say - really don;t worry, A needs the money right now, feel free to help them.

LongWavyHair · 26/10/2017 16:23

C is unreasonable. A was struggling to have children. The money was to help them have something that C and B already have.

C sounds grabby.

steppemum · 26/10/2017 16:26

My mother did make a point of saying to me something about balancing it out in the will but it had NEVER EVER crossed my mind. How on earth could I possibly begrudge my sister the opportunity of having a child with her husband?

yy to this

Bearlet · 26/10/2017 16:27

C is unreasonable, of course. Imagine begrudging anyone money for fertility treatment!

My parents have spent loads more on my sister than they have on my brother or me. My sister is nearly 30, lives at home, doesn’t have a job, and is training for her second career change. At various points over the years, my parents have paid for accommodation, language courses, driving lessons, counselling, holidays, and all sorts of other things for her. I am not close to my sister and feel that she would be better served by being forced to fend for herself a bit more. Having said that, I’m not in any way resentful of the financial support she has received from my parents, and I do understand that she finds life more difficult to navigate than most people do. She is their child, they love her and want to help her – I appreciate that, and it doesn’t take anything away from me. My parents did well by me when I needed their help. I have no claim on their financial resources now.

LongWavyHair · 26/10/2017 16:29

And God forbid A had went on some holidays when struggling to conceive Hmm

Jux · 26/10/2017 16:55

When my grandmother died, all of her children had had some financial throughout the years, some a great deal more than others. She had kept a note of all substantial sums given to each of her children. These amounts were subtracted from each child’s share of her total estate, and thus distributed equally (it’s a tiny bit more complicated than that, but not much).

It shut up the 2 children (of 8) who were complaining immediately.

Seems like a good way of sorting this sort of thing, for anyone not just you, op.

In this case, I would counsel keeping shtum. It’s not your argument with C, it your dp’s, and frankly, I would let B tell him if B feels he needs to.

Next family meal, maybe talk about how ‘a friend’s’ parents managed to pre-empt arguments about fair division of assets or something.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 26/10/2017 17:26

If you take out what the money was spent on, C is very right to be upset that her parents gifted one of the children a large sum of money and left the others out.

If it was a loan to be repaid or specified as a deduction in the will it would have been better.

B is wise to stay out of it, A should speak to his parents and C before a family rift occurs.

Original poster
wasabipeas · 26/10/2017 17:39

But what the money was spent on is pretty relevant and fundamental to this, isn’t it?

You can’t really ‘take that out’ Confused

OP posts:
BackforGood · 26/10/2017 17:40

I agree with almost everyone else. B is right and C sounds awful.

I disagree with the 2 or 3 posters saying parents should alsways give the same to their dc. Thats ridiculous as their needs aren't always the same. I am one of 4. My parents were absolutely always fair to us in that they did what they could to support each of us at any point when we needed support, to the best of their ability at the time. It doesn't mean we all got the same amount of babysitting or each got a gift of money at any time they gave to our siblings, because that isn't the same thing at all.
I now have 3 dc and am completely fair in offering them support, but it doesn't mean they get exactly the same at the same time - that isn't how life works out. What they do know is that we will do our best to do what is practical to support them at the time they need it.

OneForTheRoadThen · 26/10/2017 17:43

Why on earth would B’s wife tell you this?

Agree C is an arse.

DarthMaiden · 26/10/2017 17:44

I think the reason for the gift yellow is absolutely relevant here.

The OP and her husband didn’t want to be in the position of needing IVF. It’s a very different scenario than being gifted money for a new car/house deposit etc which I agree would have been unfair if only offered to one sibling and not the others.

Effectively the parents used money to level the playing field to enable them to have children - something the other siblings didn’t need financial assistance for.

Winebottle · 26/10/2017 17:49

Whoever told C is unreasonable. It should never have been disclosed and then everyone would have been happy.

MollyHuaCha · 26/10/2017 17:51

The reason for the gift is the issue here. C is being unreasonable.

WaxOnFeckOff · 26/10/2017 17:51

It's a shame that C has children as that attitude stinks and I would hope it wasn't passed on.

I couldn't give a toss about whether my parents ever gave money to my siblings. What little they had was/is theirs to do with what they want. MY DM is the only one left now and I'd rather she spent anything she has on herself but if she used money to help a struggling sibling then that's up to her. If she wasn't about and my sibling was struggling I'd want to help them too. People are weird.

Mamabear4180 · 26/10/2017 17:54

Congrats on your baby!

C is an arse
B is lovely
B's wife shouldn't have told you and upset you, you utterly deserve help and it was insensitive of her to drag you into it, especially since C hasn't even been to parents yet. It's stress you don't need.

Whether you went out or had holidays during a difficult and upsetting roller-coaster of 5 years of failed IVF treatment is immaterial.

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