Fairness or favouritism..?

[wasabipeas]

3 siblings, A, B and C

B and C have completed their families, A and DP have been TTC for 5+ years.
After several rounds of self-funded IVF and tests, A, B and C's parents offered to pay for more IVF

A accepts the offer and parents give them a fairly large amount of cash for more IVF, which is successful and they now have a baby.

C finds out that parents funded this and is cross that they haven't been offered an equivalent amount of money for their family. C has approached B and wants them to jointly speak to parents and ask for the same cash amount that was given to A.

B is refusing, saying that A is now just on a level footing to them in having a family, and will tell parents they don't owe B or C anything if C persists

C argues that A had holidays etc in while TTC and that money should have been put towards IVF and parents wouldn't have had to pay, and if parents gave them money, they could take their own DCs on holidays and give them opportunities.

WIBU?

Madness to expect parents to compensate all siblings exactly. C is being unreasonable.

The only thing that would change that view is if A was notably better off than B&C. At that point, things like the holiday might rankle a bit. Can B&C afford family holidays?

You say B and C have had masses of childcare from the parents whereas you don’t because you live far away. Childcare in itself quickly stacks up to thousands of pounds, particularly for several children, so they’ve probably getting the equivalent financially anyway

OP congratulations on your much-wanted baby. I do not think B should have said anything about C complaining....C could have just been expressing frustration in the moment and not really feeling like this all the time.

I would be showing C this, fair doesn't always mean equal

B is right. C sounds like a spoiled brat.

Only entitled brats would start crying because someone had to spend thousands of their own money and needed some help to have a child.

I'm guessing C would rather have a cheque written out t her and the years of upset and struggle that fertility issues gives? What a bitch.

B is right 100% plus no one knows what is around the corner c may need help from her parents in the future and if they know everything the give the have to give the exact same to the other 2 it may will not be an option! C sounds like she needs to grow up!

C is being a complete arse, and is going to make herself look like a grabby cow if she goes to her parents about this.

My DBro has definitely had more out of my Mum over the years and I do think he’s a bit cheeky about it, but no way would I ever begrudge him IVF money. I’d give it him myself if he ever needed it.

Bet the fuckers won't be fighting to be the most helpful to the dps in their dotage. .

I like my DDad's system. He is scrupulously fair with money gifts normally. DBro got 'wedding' money even though he didn't get married and I did. Everyone happy.

But as it pertains to grandchildren, DDad says they are a clean sheet. If he gives to my DD that's hers, not ours. And I think IVF was to bring your DC into the world and therefore a gift to the child, not the parent.

Also, I'm sorry but it takes a special kind of arsehole to resent money given to a childless, skint couple that resulted in a much wanted child. Who could resent that?

C’s nose has been out out of joint as she is used to being ‘the favoured one’.

I would ignore for now, but should it be raised then have ready what MrsKnightly said and what was my first thought - years of babysitting, Christmas and birthday presents, pocket money, little gifts etc. Will probably help with Uni costs etc. X number of children x age. Probably more than they paid for your IVF.

Many congratulations on your baby.

babbity
It's our 'fault' that we don't get childcare because it is our choice that we live hours away from them, so I don't think we can fairly compare that - MIL would be over the moon if we moved back to their town so she could provide childcare

laurie We probably are better off, but we both moved to London for work and the corresponding salaries, where as B&C stayed in their home town in relatively lower-paid work (both teachers). C has been a SAHM or worked part-time since having DCs, but is able to have a lovely house, 2 cars and holidays on their household income so I don't think she can consider herself hard done by or badly off

C is being massively unreasonable.

Parents can spend their money as they choose. Helping A with IVF seems to me an entirely reasonable thing for them to want to do. C didn't need that help and has no right to more money. Plus, people TTC are perfectly entitled to go on holiday.

C is being unreasonable. I don’t think you can put a price on the desire to have a baby. You have obviously been through a lot of heartache and I’m glad you now have a baby. Money really does bring out the worst in some people.

I agree with other posters.

C sounds very selfish and entitled. She should be grateful she didn’t need to be helped to conceive frankly.

Equally she should be happy to have parents who have shown they are prepared to help out their children when the need arises. Let’s hope she’s never in need of such support.

The issues of holidays is a silly argument and easily refuted against all the assistance and money I’m sure the parents have provided to her children over the years.

She comes across as a spoilt brat

I hope your PILs have got a watertight will. This is a preview of whats to come at a difficult time in the future.

C is a grabby cow.

I cannot believe they would begrudge you IVF and successful IVF at that. Congratulations on your baby.

Dh has 1 sister, she has a good job but not a great salary. When she got divorced my PIL bailed her out financially to buy her ex out of the house. It made complete sense. At no time have we ever thought, hmmm where is our money equivalent?

Fair is not equal. I constantly tell my sons this

junior
B hasn't told me (or DH)
B's wife told me when I was talking to her about some pics C had put up on Facebook of a party, and I asked if they had gone.
She told me her and B haven't seen much of C and her DH recently, and I asked her why. She eventually told me B&C have had an argument, and why.

I haven't told DH about it yet, and am not sure if I will. I'm pretty furious but he will be really angry about it, and I don't really think we need a family argument this close to Christmas

As a parent there will be times when one child's needs are greater than another's and when those needs are for no fault of their own then the parent uses their discretion to help however they can - be it in a monetary way or 'care' such as for a grandchild for example. My 7yo ds is capable of understanding that his 11mo dsis currently needs more than him. He also recognises that 'fairness' is not necessarily equal, so for example dd may need a lot of new clothes buying because she's growing so quickly, and that costs a lot of money, but we make a token effort to get something for him that he doesn't necessarily need but wants, of less monetary value, so he knows it's not all about dd. If a 7yo can understand, and accept, this concept then I'm lost for words at C!

So if's C's child needs for example medical treatment/therapy for whatever reason and PIL's pay for them to go privately (because C has busted the bank going to Centreparcs at Christmas) does she propose that you that your child receives an equivalent amount in order to ensure parity?
No she bloody wouldn't.
Its ridiculous and as said above childlike.
We spend an extortionate amount of my ASD child receiving extra speech therapy etc etc - are we going to even it up with DS, No we are not because he doesn't need it.

They sound grabby but treating kids differently is unfair. When they're younger is fights over sweets, adults fight over money

Absolutely ridiculous, it's their money to do what they want with, they don't owe it to anyone. Equal is not always the same as fair.

If one of C's children became ill and needed money for medical care, they wouldn't think twice about accepting money from the grandparents, and I'm assuming A and B would not demand the equivalent sum.

Having a medical problem means you are dealt a shitty hand and if throwing money at the problem helps to get you back on an equal footing with the others then great. Given the choice between the lump sum and the heartache of infertility, failed IVF and not knowing if they would ever have a child, or not having the money or the fertility problems, I'm sure C would have plumped for the latter.

What a knob she sounds. So glad you have a lovely baby OP, congratulations.

treating kids differently is unfair

Not necessarily. Different DC have different needs. Fairness is not equated to equality.

C has three children. If your PIL spend £50 on each of them this Christmas I’m sure she’d be completely fine with them spending £150 on your one child?

She sounds dreadful really.