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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fairness or favouritism..?

111 replies

wasabipeas · 26/10/2017 13:44

3 siblings, A, B and C

B and C have completed their families, A and DP have been TTC for 5+ years.
After several rounds of self-funded IVF and tests, A, B and C's parents offered to pay for more IVF

A accepts the offer and parents give them a fairly large amount of cash for more IVF, which is successful and they now have a baby.

C finds out that parents funded this and is cross that they haven't been offered an equivalent amount of money for their family. C has approached B and wants them to jointly speak to parents and ask for the same cash amount that was given to A.

B is refusing, saying that A is now just on a level footing to them in having a family, and will tell parents they don't owe B or C anything if C persists

C argues that A had holidays etc in while TTC and that money should have been put towards IVF and parents wouldn't have had to pay, and if parents gave them money, they could take their own DCs on holidays and give them opportunities.

WIBU?

OP posts:
SarahH12 · 26/10/2017 14:30

Waxonfeckoff has illustrated the point very nicely!

Oh and congrats on your baby Smile

Goldfishshoals · 26/10/2017 14:33

I don't think you can compare the suffering of not being able to have a child to not being able to take your kids on as many nice holidays. C is totally in the wrong (and selfish).

BernardBlacksHangover · 26/10/2017 14:35

B is right. C is being an arse.

Congratulations to you and A on the baby Flowers!

Fwiw, my parents have had to bail my fool of a big brother out of a lot of sticky financial and legal situations. Now that my mum is dead, my dad continues to do so. My younger sibling is on their third university degree at the age of 30 - all paid for by parents / dad. I've been helped with things too, (new car and money towards house deposit - we all have been given that), but even my dad acknowledges to me that both of my siblings have cost him about £100,000 more than I have over the past decade or so. Would I ever go to my dad and demand he dish out £100,000 to me for shits and giggles? Fuck no! I haven't needed the money, but my siblings have (even if I think my brother should actually be left to sort out his own mess some day soon. That has nothing to do with money though).

AJPTaylor · 26/10/2017 14:37

treating children fairly does not mean treating them equally in the moment. no doubt dparents, if they have the funds will at some point even things up.
but its not for grown ups to throw themselves on the floor screaming its not fair.

DunkMeInTomatoSoup · 26/10/2017 14:37

The children then turn into grown ups and sibling rivalry diminishes.

But we are only getting a small moment snap shot. C might have been completely emotionally abused and down trodden for the past 30 years, the scapgoated one. Equally C might not. How many threads do we see on this forum daily from an aggrieved adult child about sibling unfairness? About 20 a day

RandomUsernameHere · 26/10/2017 14:38

C is being unreasonable for mentioning it. The parents are not obliged to give any of their children anything, and if they do they can divide it however they please.
However I personally would divide the money equally between the three children. I think it's a bit unfair to only give to one.

PovertyPain · 26/10/2017 14:40

C's a selfish fuck and that would totally change my feelings towards them. I send my 24yr old money now and again as they're not long left uni and are starting out in life. The 26yr was a bit put out, until I pointed out that he was living at home and have all bills paid, for the princely sum of £40 a week. I also pointed out that if he'd like to move out I would be happy to send him the same amount. He hasn't taken me up of the offer. 😆

I wouldn't be surprised if C has a sudden financial emergency and needs mum and dad to help out. 😒

DunkMeInTomatoSoup · 26/10/2017 14:42

C argues that A had holidays etc in while TTC and that money should have been put towards IVF and parents wouldn't have had to pay, and if parents gave them money, they could take their own DCs on holidays and give them opportunities.

I can see how this would rankle ..... A lives the high life with holidays, get bailed out for IVF as the money used for holidays was more important than self funding IVF ............ C has cut his cloth in order to have a family .... A now has a family AND holiday memories . C feels disadvantaged.

Is C the baby of the family, a late baby, the one no one really bothered with ?

mygorgeousmilo · 26/10/2017 14:46

C would be heading into NC territory for me. Begrudging you help to start a family? Pretty much the meanest thing I’ve heard of amongst siblings, outside of actual abuse. What an arsehole

SootSprite · 26/10/2017 14:48

I think parents should always treat their children the same. I have siblings who use our parents like a cash point. I don’t. It irks me. I can see why C is upset.

mirime · 26/10/2017 14:50

@DunkMeInTomatoSoup except that's not what happened. A and the OP had the holidays before they knew they'd need IVF.

BewareOfDragons · 26/10/2017 14:50

Dunk, OP came back and said the holidays took place BEFORE they started trying for children and realized they would need IVF etc. They weren't off on expensive holidays while they were trying for children and paying for IVF.

C is a horrible person imo. Imagine, begrudging someone you're supposed to love and want the best for getting help having a family of their own, like you luckily already have. I don't think you can get any lower than that.

B sounds like a lovely, sensible soul. A is lucky to have B in her life.

GrumbleBumble · 26/10/2017 14:51

Dear C, fair and equal are not the same but as it clearly upsets you so much here is a voucher for x* rounds of IVF redeemable at your local clinic.

X equals the number of rounds funded for A by the parents.

thecatsthecats · 26/10/2017 14:53

Holidays are also a lot less expensive when you don't have kids - something C has probably conveniently forgotten. Out of holidays plus fewer mouths, and something to cope with the stress of TTC.

MrsKnightley · 26/10/2017 14:54

What about all the years that B&C have had Christmas and birthday presents for their children? Should A be keeping note of that and adding up to set against the cost of IVF?

No - that way madness lies!

YouCantArgueWithStupid · 26/10/2017 14:55

If I was B or C I’d be over the moon for A and wouldn’t even think of the monetary values!

MollyHuaCha · 26/10/2017 14:57

Congratulations on your baby.

How about, C is told that the parents gave money in order to increase their chances of getting a much wanted grandchild.

The money was not just spent on helping A. It was actually spent helping the proud grandparents.

Babbitywabbit · 26/10/2017 14:57

I can totally understand why parents would feel a medical issue, which is out of A’s control and having a big impact emotionally is something they want to help with financially. C sounds utterly selfish and lacking in any empathy.

People have alluded to similar threads, and I think it does become blurred when there’s a disparity in how siblings are treated when it’s situations they’ve brought on themselves- eg bailing out an irresponsible adult child who racks up debt. I totally understand how that could rankle with siblings who feel they’ve done the right thing by making sensible choices. But this is totally different.

Anyway, as someone else suggested, for all we know the parents will even things out when it comes to inheritance. They may deduct the money they’ve gifted from A in their will.

R2G · 26/10/2017 14:58

C is unreasonable, but I would advise not getting involved in any way. Let them speak directly to their parents, and be told they are being unreasonable

Original poster
wasabipeas · 26/10/2017 14:59

A&B are brothers, C is the the youngest and only girl. There is 4 year gap between her and B, where as only a 2 year gap between A&B, so she has always been the 'baby' of the family (but is 34 now)

A and B would argue she was the favourite throughout childhood - little things like A&B had to get the bus to school but C was driven, A&B were only allowed to do guitar lessons at school because FIL already had a guitar, where as C was allowed to chose a new instrument which PIL bought her - its all a standing joke in the family now

DH moved away for university and never went back to his hometown, were as B&C are still there, so have benefitted from masses of childcare and help over the years as well...

Dunkme
We haven't been swanning off to the Caribbean every year, and have made huge sacrifices to pay for 3 out of the 5 IVF rounds we had, plus loads of tests in between to try and find out what was going wrong. We had forked out somewhere in the region of £30k and were financially and emotionally broken before PIL made their offer.

But we had no way of knowing when we first started TTC that it would take this long or cost this money, nor that I would have a couple of miscarriages along the way (one at 5 months) so I feel it is really unfair for her to bring this up a reason that we shouldn't have had any help.

And she has had plenty of holidays herself, but obviously family-destination ones with her 3DCs rather than childfree city ones like we had

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 26/10/2017 15:00

Goodness me, I am a firm believer in parents being fair to children (and have muttered sourly in the past when I have perceived their decisions to have been unfair to me, as I am sure my sisters have also) but I would never in a million years count money given for IVF as something that needed "evening up."

As for holidays, people trying to TTC are forever being told to "relax and have a nice holiday," how selfish and crass would you have to be to old that against anyone?

CW1805 · 26/10/2017 15:00

A & B are NBU. C is.
My SIL had been TTC for years with no success and my FIL paid for I think 3 rounds of IVF. Myself and DP have no issues with this as FIL had also bought us a new family car when ours broke down and we couldn't afford to replace it straight away. BIL also had no issues because MIL used to babysit for them anytime they wanted and paid for dance classes for her grandchild. While it is certainly not the same amount of money over the three children, its what we all waned/needed at the time, we don't hold grudges to the fact SIL has been given way more because we know, if we were ever in that position, FIL would have done the same for us.
It shouldn't be about who's had more/less given to them - B & C should just be over the moon about A finally having their dream become reality since they have already had kids themselves

TieGrr · 26/10/2017 15:02

My parents let me live at home rent-free for years when I first had DD. I'll let them know to transfer the equivalent in rent to my other three siblings.

JacquesHammer · 26/10/2017 15:03

Treating fairly doesn't mean treating equally in every regard.

Does C believe that A should have the same amount given to them that has been given to her children?

I would be appalled at C's attitude. Seems human kindness has a price to her.

ReginaBlitzkreig · 26/10/2017 15:03

C is a complete shit.

I and one sibling are Bs, with another sibling being A. Far from begrudging the parental help, we offered our own contribution.

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