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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Maybe I'm just overly sensitive, bitter and being ridiculous.

100 replies

Mascarawandlady · 26/10/2017 09:25

I'll try to keep it brief, I got married last year. We were really pleased to learn that a few weeks before our day that Dh's best man and partner had become engaged.

They mentioned to us about using the same venue. We told them to go for it and a week before our wedding they booked it for the following year. I appreciate we don't own the venue therefore it's free to anybody else to use.

They've booked the same photographer as us. Again I appreciate anyone can use him.

I'm then asked about the makeup lady I used, in the hope she can be booked to.

These are just a few examples won't mention shoes, suits or food

What's annoyed me the most though, is comments that were made on our day just after we had walked out of the ceremony like 'oh this time next year, we'll all be back doing it again'. Is it too much to ask to have one day?
I've also learnt Dh's best man asked another guest at our wedding (a friend) to be his best man whilst still at our wedding. (Dh is also best man, Groom is having 2 best men).

I'd like to just make it clear I wasn't a bridezilla, I was a very relaxed bride to be, it was a small wedding, no frills and it is very much about the marriage and not the wedding for us. We didn't make it all about us, and didn't want a fussy day just special. Having said that, I don't know why I feel so bitter regarding all of this. I think they acted disrespectfully and felt they used the day as an opportunity to suss out the running of their day.
I asked to see her engagement ring, offered my congratulations and we chatted about their wedding. I don't think we even got a congratulations for just getting married.

Anyway the wedding is approaching and I'm even more bitter about it than ever.
I wouldn't say anything as that would cause trouble within the family (Dh's best man also a relation). I'm not really one for confrontation and bite my tongue a lot. A lot of guests will be the same as ours as it's a family wedding so I wouldn't want to rock the boat.

Additionally, the date of the wedding would have been my due date of our first baby, which sadly at the 12 week scan we discovered the pregnancy wasn't to be. This is obviously adding to my emotions.

Do I just need a shake or would anyone else feel the same? Or anyone else care to share their 'I'm bitter about' stories?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mascarawandlady · 26/10/2017 09:26

Sorry realised I've used the word bitter a lot! Clearly I am very bitter!

OP posts:
Bringmewineandcake · 26/10/2017 09:30

I’m sorry about your baby Flowers
If you think you’ll be too emotional on the day could you not go?
On the other hand, could you compare everything to what you had? “Oh the decorations were SO much better on our day...” “the food is quite nice, but our meal was SO much fresher/tastier...” etc etc Grin

HermionesRightHook · 26/10/2017 09:30

I think it's OK to feel how you feel. I know I can get horribly jealous sometimes (different to what you're feeling of course) and I let myself feel that and acknowledge it, and then work to let it go.

I personally think it's really weird when people copy events like this - I'd always prefer to have my own thing and have other people do things personal to them. If I was a guest at both weddings I'd think the second couple were being really really odd, and I'd feel for you.

But. Bitterness is not a helpful emotion. I think you need to work on a way to let this go and not dwell on it. I try to do this by looking for the good in my own situation and not dwelling on the other people but I'm sure others will have better advice.

Chatoyant · 26/10/2017 09:31

It's a bit strange but in all honesty I'd try to take it as a compliment that they loved your wedding ideas.

washingmachinefastwash · 26/10/2017 09:31

Why does it bother you OP? You’ve had your wedding day and clearly enjoyed it as did your guests.

I think it’s a huge compliment that your friends enjoyed your wedding so much and loved you venue and other things that they want the same for their day.

User462892925 · 26/10/2017 09:33

I personally think it is a bit over sensitive and I would take it as a compliment that they want to mirror your choices.

grannysmiff · 26/10/2017 09:33

I also feel irrational bitterness and jealousy OP so I get you.

Take it as a compliment - clearly you looked great and the wedding was fab

Fabellini · 26/10/2017 09:33

I can totally understand you feeling upset about the wedding coinciding with what should have been your due date, and I'm so sorry you lost your baby, but regarding the other stuff, I think you're being a little bit unreasonable
Ok, they haven't got much imagination or originality, but does it really matter? You had your wedding there first, and if the guest list is going to be similar, everyone there will know that and remember your day.
You could always wander about smiling beatifically and sighing "oh I remember when we did photos/cake cutting/first dance here....it was so lovely, no wonder x and y wanted to recreate our special day".
I'm a bit of a cow, so I probably would, I expect you're a much nicer person!

AlternativeTentacle · 26/10/2017 09:33

Just take it as a complement. Smile and nod.

MrsEight · 26/10/2017 09:34

I don’t get the issue here at all. As their friend I would be happy to help with their day.

Sorry about your baby Flowers

Namechangetempissue · 26/10/2017 09:35

Let it go OP. It is going to happen if you like it or not, so rather than sitting there stewing, enjoy their wedding, take the similarities as a compliment and remember that it only matters to you and nobody else will be comparing or care.
So sorry for your loss Flowers

sunandmoonshine · 26/10/2017 09:37

YANBU to be miffed and peeved and pissed off. I would be too. Some people wouldn't care.

It does seem like they are copying you, and imitation is supposed to be the sincerest form of flattery, but I have to say, people copying me, (and DH) and what we do, REALLY fucks me off!

So, no YANBU. It is a bit irrational, but you are within your rights to feel that way. Just ignore it though eh? And let them get on with it. Smile

And I am SO sorry about your baby. Hope you manage to conceive again soon. Flowers

LondonGirl83 · 26/10/2017 09:38

You need a shake. I'm very sorry about the miscarriage and I imagine that is playing on your emotions. I've been there so really do understand.

Your DH's best man's actions though are fine. My BIL copied several aspects of our wedding and we took it as a compliment because that's what it is.

Try to see it as such and be happy for them.

SaneAsABoxOfFrogs · 26/10/2017 09:38

Rational or not, I'd be bitter too. If it helps, internally I still haven't forgiven my brother in law when he came to the hospital to meet my first born son when he was just a few hours old, and spent the whole visit talking about the wedding he had just booked for exactly a year's time, on my son's first birthday. Yes he wasn't to know when my son was going to be born, but did I have to hear all about it right then? What was worse was on the day of the wedding itself, my delightful PIL told me I wasn't allowed to tell anyone it was my son's birthday as it was BIL's special day. Not bitter at all...

whoareyoukidding · 26/10/2017 09:40

I would be pissed off too, it's like 'think of your own ideas you pair of losers'

Sorry for your loss.

milkmoustache · 26/10/2017 09:40

They are obviously a bit lazy, aren't they? The guests who came to your wedding to are also going to realise that, and it won't make the bride and groom look too good.
Try to let it go, but if she tries to have the same wedding dress as you, you are totally allowed to laugh in her face at her brass neck.

Jerseysilkvelour · 26/10/2017 09:41

I was briefly friends with a lady at work who admired my clothes so much that she would ask to come shopping with me and then want to buy EXACTLY the same clothes she had seen me wearing. Drove me mad at the time..... also a colleague at my present job has a dd a month younger than mine and considered calling theirs the same name as I did mine as they thought it was lovely. I thought both instances of copying were very strange so I find the wedding copying quite unsettling.

On the other hand, it is a massive compliment - they're obviously lacking ideas and thought yours was a lovely wedding. If they copied it from a magazine you probably wouldn't feel half so odd about it but everyone gets inspiration from somewhere.

lljkk · 26/10/2017 09:42

Sorry, what MrsEight said. Maybe there's a detail I didn't read properly.
The happiness didn't happen at expense at yours.

elelfrance · 26/10/2017 09:47

you know what, no wedding is really "original" or "unique", there is usually nothing being done at a wedding that someone else hasn't already done.... so yeah they're being lazy and taking all their ideas from the same source, but hey, I'm sure your wedding copied some ideas you'd seen before too
its not something i could get hey up about

very sorry about your pregnancy though, and i do understand that in a tough time, your emotions will be all over the place and reactions more extreme than usual

WorraLiberty · 26/10/2017 09:48

Sorry for your loss OP Thanks

As for the rest of it, it wouldn't even enter my head to be bothered about it, let alone bitter.

Not everyone is good at coming up with ideas and I think given the fact they were planning their own wedding, it's completely natural that they'd use some of the service providers you chose.

I know I would because I don't enjoy the whole 'planning' weddings/parties etc. I just like to get them booked and get on with saving up.

I'd probably be glad to have been able to help cut out the hassle for them.

Notonthestairs · 26/10/2017 09:50

I am now worried my wedding was shit because nobody has ever tried to copy it Grin.

I can see where you are coming from but you need to let it go.

whiskyowl · 26/10/2017 09:51

I think you sound like a woman who has been through a lot recently, and who is perhaps externalising some of that pain on an issue that is easier to think about than the loss of a pregnancy. Flowers

I think you are being a little bit over-sensitive about the wedding. It's a compliment to how lovely your day was that they want the same thing. But you can never replicate an event, however hard you try! Their wedding will be different - it might use some similar elements to yours, but it can never replace yours in any way.

Also, everyone thinks their wedding is unique and special - because the actual ceremonial part of it is deeply, utterly meaningful - but to be honest, most of the external stuff is really quite generic and similar across events, ringing minor changes on a very similar set of choices.

Please look after yourself. Flowers

Raver84 · 26/10/2017 09:53

Sorry about your baby.

With the wedding though you are over reacting, I have no idea why this would bother you at all. Loads of wedding are similar just enjoy their day ad much as they clearly enjoyed yours. It's just a day. One day.

LemonShark · 26/10/2017 09:56

It seems a bit weird/precious to be so bitter about this, I'd just think it was funny and be pleased for them: they're not some randoms, they're your husbands best friend and partner! People joking about coming back to the venue doesn't mean they didn't enjoy or recognise the specialness of your day.

But as I think you've already realised, it's likely the emotions from the loss of the pregnancy that are coming out in other ways, when something so awful happens it's common to get hung up on something else unrelated as a target for your sadness and anger. I guess that's what is happening here.

CotswoldStrife · 26/10/2017 09:57

Sorry for your loss, OP.

Within my family, three of us have used the same venue over a long period of time and at least four of us (and one of my colleagues completely by chance) has used the same photographer! I think two of us used the same hair/makeup person too. It doesn't seem that unusual to me, obviously! If there are good people around for a service you are going to try and grab them.

However, you seem to feel that this is a case of (your BIL?) trying to replicate your wedding rather than using the same services. I can't comment on that. What does your DH think about it?