Maybe I'm just overly sensitive, bitter and being ridiculous.

[Mascarawandlady]

I'll try to keep it brief, I got married last year. We were really pleased to learn that a few weeks before our day that Dh's best man and partner had become engaged.

They mentioned to us about using the same venue. We told them to go for it and a week before our wedding they booked it for the following year. I appreciate we don't own the venue therefore it's free to anybody else to use.

They've booked the same photographer as us. Again I appreciate anyone can use him.

I'm then asked about the makeup lady I used, in the hope she can be booked to.

These are just a few examples won't mention shoes, suits or food

What's annoyed me the most though, is comments that were made on our day just after we had walked out of the ceremony like 'oh this time next year, we'll all be back doing it again'. Is it too much to ask to have one day?
I've also learnt Dh's best man asked another guest at our wedding (a friend) to be his best man whilst still at our wedding. (Dh is also best man, Groom is having 2 best men).

I'd like to just make it clear I wasn't a bridezilla, I was a very relaxed bride to be, it was a small wedding, no frills and it is very much about the marriage and not the wedding for us. We didn't make it all about us, and didn't want a fussy day just special. Having said that, I don't know why I feel so bitter regarding all of this. I think they acted disrespectfully and felt they used the day as an opportunity to suss out the running of their day.
I asked to see her engagement ring, offered my congratulations and we chatted about their wedding. I don't think we even got a congratulations for just getting married.

Anyway the wedding is approaching and I'm even more bitter about it than ever.
I wouldn't say anything as that would cause trouble within the family (Dh's best man also a relation). I'm not really one for confrontation and bite my tongue a lot. A lot of guests will be the same as ours as it's a family wedding so I wouldn't want to rock the boat.

Additionally, the date of the wedding would have been my due date of our first baby, which sadly at the 12 week scan we discovered the pregnancy wasn't to be. This is obviously adding to my emotions.

Do I just need a shake or would anyone else feel the same? Or anyone else care to share their 'I'm bitter about' stories?

Hi OP. I get what you're feeling. Is be irritated too. The way I would approach it is to go and try to relive every part of my own wedding at as many points throughout the day and enjoy basking in lovely memories. I think sometimes we can get caught up in our bad feelings and forget we can choose to let them go and if we choose to turn around our thinking in a situation, it can change how we feel (if that makes sense - thoughts effect emotions). Try to make the most of it.
Is it possible though that the bitterness Isn't actually related to the wedding (and perhaps isn't even bitterness) but is actually grief and sadness about the loss of your baby coming out in the form of bitterness and that the thing that is an outlet for this is the wedding? I'm very sorry about your baby. I hope you manage to get through this and I hope you manage to find some enjoyment in the day, even if it's only small.

I don't see anything wrong with using the same services as somebody else. In the two years following our wedding both DH's brothers, our best friends and two other couples we are friends with got married. They all used the same suit hire company we used, two got dresses from the place I got mine, some of the table decorations I had were passed on between couples, I made cakes for all the weddings.

I agree with the majority. Let it go.

Not sure why they'd want all the guests to have the same experience twice, people are odd and strangely blinkered.

I'm sure your loss must make it harder. x

In the kindest possible way - and your miscarriage, about which I am very sorry, is almost certainly affecting your feelings here -, I think you are deluding yourself a little about not being a bridezilla. You use phrases like 'our day', 'the day', 'one day' a lot. In wedding-speak this is usually shorthand for 'this is the one day it is all about me/us'. And your sense that it is 'disrespectful' for them to be thinking of their own wedding while at yours is a little odd - as if somehow 'your day' has to be uppermost in everyone's minds all the time and remain as an untouched hallowed memory for evermore. I don't think having a small wedding means you are immune to these attitudes that seem to have become rampant around weddings in general.

It really, really doesn't matter. People don't mind, don't care. Probably, by the time the guests get to their wedding they'll barely be able to remember yours - or if they do, they won't be remembering the suits or the shoes or the food, they'll be remembering the great conversation they had with xy, being moved at your happiness, or the fun they had dancing. And - someone said it above - the truth is that most weddings are formulaic. They're social celebrations done according to a specific convention. It's almost unavoidable.

Be kind to yourself, especially on what will probably be a difficult day (I should know, I've been there 6 times), but don't let this corrode friendships. Let it go.

Brilliant post by hetero. Spot on.

@Hetero, why shouldn't the day be about them? It was their wedding day?! I don't get your attitude at all.

The 'hormones' caused by OP losing her baby is naff all to do with this. She has every right to feel pissed off at someone hijacking the attention on HER and her husband's wedding day.

You're right that no-one else will give a shit, but SHE does.

I'm bitter about our wedding, because my DH's family and friends had a 'We've seen it all before' kind of attitude as it was his second wedding. But it was my first, and he'd been divorced 9 years for goodness' sake! My family weren't much better, their thinking was 'if you're going to get married, why on earth would you pick a second-hand husband?' Killjoys.

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time

I also thinks hetero has nailed it.

I’m sorry about your miscarriage op. 💐

Thank you, Morris :)

There's 'about us' and 'about US', though. The wedding industry positively encourages the latter - and we (speaking generally here) love it, because people are narcissistic (to a greater or lesser degree, obviously, and I include myself in that!). But I think there's a vast difference between what I might call a positive about-us - friends and family getting together to surround us with love and support as we embark on our lives together, and to spoil us a bit, as we do for them in turn - and a negative about-us - which is where everything has to be treated as the most amazing unique thing, 'the attention' (there's a lot of talk on many MN threads about whom 'the attention' is 'on') belongs exclusively to the happy couple and any actual or perceived violation of that uniqueness in every detail is indicative of a lack of 'respect'. If the other couple really is engaged in a struggle for 'the attention' with the OP and her dh, then the best they could do is to rise above it and let them get on with it.

X post. And Bluntness :)

YABU about the wedding. You used a designated wedding venue, wedding photographer, wedding make up artist, I'm guessing hired suits from a place that offers a wedding service and there would be limited food choices at the venue. 100s of people will have made exactly the same choices and used the same services as you. I'm afraid if you want a wedding that is totally individual to you, you have to stay away from the mainstream wedding providers, find alternatives or do it on your own.

I'm sorry for your loss. Out of experience (I've just passed 2 dates in the last week myself) due dates for lost babies are really hard. The anticipation and build up to them even worse than the event itself. I know it's hard but try to take a positive that you will be doing something nice on your baby's due date and marking the start of a new life for people you care about

Sorry but yes, you do sound very sensitive and weirdly bitter. They made 2 comments about their wedding at your wedding. There is no universe where that is a big deal or disrespectful to you in anyway. You were the one who brought it up with them and asked questions and are then angry at them for mentioning it? It doesn't even make sense.

Another vote for Hetero's post because it's so spot on. The thing is NOBODY is being original, everyone has copied ideas from somebody or somewhere else. OP, this couple just doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Your special day was special to you and your husband but it's not really for other people and they are focused on their own special events that you will rightly not be.

I'm really sorry for your loss and I think that is showing up the wedding date of this couple in sharp relief. The two events though are unrelated and aren't bound by anything more than an awful coincidence.

I think you are being over sensitive about the wedding, most of my friends got married in the same 2-4 venues, picking a venue which you’ve attended a wedding in is normal, asking someone for their photographers/makeup lady name is just asking for a personal recommendation which is always advisable, not “copying”. Your day was special to you because it was your day, the day you and you dh tied the knot. To everyone else it was just another wedding with a venue, a photographer a meal and a dance. Completely natural for them to think about what they would like for their day when newly engaged and attending a wedding.

It’s is also normal for you to think of what could have been if this would have been your due date so be kind to yourself, but YABU to feel bitter towards your friends for the reasons above.

Are there many people going who also went to yours?

If so, they will probably be a bit bemused by the same-ness. Weddings are usually all virtually the same, although we all try to convince ourselves that ours are different from everyone else's and therefore hugely memorable because we had a chocolate fountain/the bridesmaids wore black/the best man was a woman. However it is all a folly as weddings are all so similar. One that has practically EVERYTHING the same as another one, except the bride and groom, is going to be extremely boring for the guests, because there will be no "oh I wonder how they are going to do the toast?" or "I wonder how long the photos will take?" because they'll know as they've been through it all before.

So don't worry, yours was the first, and the best one!

(By the way do you remember that bit when William and Kate drove from Buck House to Clarence House in the Aston Martin? They pinched that idea from the wedding of some friends!)

They do say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but it also sounds a bit weird and almost creepy.
I can see why you're having a bit of an issue with it re. them copying you, but I think you can let that go as it's a year later.
If it was a month earlier, or even a month later, then it would make more sense.

But it coinciding with a would-be birth date, that's a bit hard. If you decided it would be too hard to go, then I expect people would understand.

Don't hold on to the bitterness about the copycatting though. It's a year difference.

Sorry for your loss OP.

I agree with you, it’s creepy and weird to copy aspects of someone else’s wedding, especially that of a family member given that many guests will attend both weddings. I’m sure people will notice and think them quite odd or, at least, unimaginative.

A close friend copied specific parts of our wedding the following year. We were rather surprised but didn’t say anything out of politeness however, other guests made comments about it to us on the day and were laughing about them copying us. It won’t reflect badly on you, but I understand why you might find it annoying.

I'm getting the feeling your issue is the fact that it felt like they weren't really 'there' at your wedding. In their heads, they were looking at their own wedding and only had that in mind (so let's ask xxx to be the best man, let's have another look at the venue and seen how it will work out etc...). A bit like if they were using your day as a trial run for their big day.
So it was never about you as a couple. Maybe this says more about them than about you....

I also agree that this is a particularly hard time for you. Take time to process what has happened this year. And look after yourself.

I really don't think people will notice any copying at all because a) it's all been done before and b) they might not even remember the venue, photographer, make-up artist or any other myriad things that matter to the bride in question and c) people just aren't as invested in 'The Wedding' as the couple are. Nobody else is.

It really does sound as if people are placing massive expectations on others to 'preserve their special day in some kind of memorial aspic.

bubbling under everything you do and feel at the moment there might be the grief.which could make everything just seem a bit more tough?
that perfectly reasonable but might be altering your judgement.
like if you stub your toe and it hurts and if someone laughs you want to smack em!every emotion is just fragile I think for you right now.
let it go if you can.think about wht you can do instead to be kind to yourself.to allow yourself a big cry.or even scream into the pillow at the wedding stuff.either way.try let that bit pass.what they did wont change now will it.
being upset and angry now will hurt nonone but you.and will only perpetuate.

I really am sorry for your loss. I conceived a couple of months after our wedding and miscarried. The time around the due date was the time around our first anniversary and it was a bit tough.

But.

We didn't make it all about us, and didn't want a fussy day just special.

is said by every Bridezilla anywhere.

Take it as a compliment and move on.

I think you should be happy for them and enjoy their lovely day. Who cares if things are similar to yours?